Hi, I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but the truth is I need help and don't know where to find it...
I think the easiest would be to tell my sexual history to bring you more understanding of my very unconfortable situation.
I have been sexual very young, starting everyday masturbation around 8 and frequent intercourse at 13, and have abused my body with giving it to anyone i thought would bring me love in return, with disastrous consequences in my self esteem and a lot of too speedy, unloving sex all my life.
My only known way of having an orgasm was to masturbate, building up energy in my genital area, going in apnea doing so, until it was big and firy enough to be released in pleasure.
Slowly i also kind of managed to have penetrational orgasms during fast sex (the only one I knew) with men when they were touching me at the same time, but i somehow always knew unconsciously (maybe not that unconsciously) that there was a problem with my sexuality. I did convince myself that I was happy with it though, and a lot of my personnality was based on being very sexual, and i was proud of it.
Then I started to meditate and was repressing all this sexuality that was present in me, repressing sexual needs, sexual images, sexual feelings as being inadequate and pervert, instead of simply letting them be. I stopped having sex altogether for many years, except for the odd libido upsurge and following sex without love that was leaving me unsatisfied and frustrated. I was still masturbating a lot, but even that slowed down eventually.
Then I had a few times very intense sexual pleasure on my own but without touching myself, just out of the blue, in meditative states or dreams, and without letting it be because of a kind of shame, as it had an image of my guru involved in it and I was scared and ashamed in that I thought he could feel what was happening in me. It was in very slow sexual fantasies, they felt much deeper and much more powerful and much better than anything I had ever experienced in real, and it kind of showed me that there was "another kind of pleasure" possible, although it was not part of my "real experience".
Now I have a partner and am very much in love with him, and he also loves me, but since we started being together I haven't been able to have an orgasm in intercourse, and it take a hell of a lot of effort to have one orally, which ends up not being fulfilling because I am looking for this deeper energetic loving way I've experienced in dreams and meditations. He is very soft and tender with me, but doesn't understand what is up with me and I don't either.
Over the months slowly sex became less and less interesting for me, I stopped becoming excited at all, and even though mentally I do want to make love with him somehow my body doesn't respond by making me wet and receptive to his touch. It's like it doesn't go from mind to body.
Now my sexual energy doesn't even build up, I don't feel sexual at all, although when I see him I fantasize on making love slowly and passionately and pleasurable like in my dreams and meditations. But it is not really sexual and more a melting thing. It is like I am now attracted to a non-sexual love making (I know it doesn't make sense), I am not interested in my old kind of orgasms anymore because they make me feel frustrated afterwards of not having felt really connected. I don't understand what is happening to me and how to get out of this, and it feels like I've got a big block somewhere.
He is not interested in trying karezza although he didn't always want to ejaculate and was happy to just stop and "keep it for later", and because sex has always been very natural for him with his past relationships and he's never had this kind of things happening, he finds it very difficult that making love needs to become new learning thing for him and me and the whole thing has become a burden for him as well. Even talking about it brings tension into our couple.
Now we haven't had sex in two weeks although we are still very tender and loving, just not sexual anymore.
I apologize for this long post, I need help because I don't know what to do to become more receptive to his touch and love, I just want a fulfilling sexuality resembling what I've never known "for real" and don't know what to do with myself. I am falling in a kind of depressed state and cry a lot about it all. Very frustrated and sad would be the right words to describe me these days, probably because I can't let go of sexuality still being a main thing for me, as it has been my identity for so long.
Please help ! Anything is welcome, I feel so alone.