What to do when your partner isn't interested

Submitted by Sook on
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My wife and I went through all the exchanges and she said they were ok but still wanted to have "regular" orgasm sx. She was quite unhappy with non-orgasm sex. It seems to me that when a person has this "regular" type of sx then they don't want to "do it" very regularly and so I've noticed since that the regularity of us being intimate has greatly dropped to about once every 1 - 2 weeks. Personally I don't ejaculate and therefore I retain that energy so that I'm interested in doing it more regularly. I've found that after a week or so it is very difficult to remain in my "normal" frame of mind and balanced. I have a strong desire/craving to have sex with my wife but she just isn't interested. Anything approaching the subject of this with my wife causes her to get very angry and say that I'm "pressuring", etc and all advances on my behalf are pushed away. Due to this I've been doing a lot of investigation into practices for singles to help to deal with this huge energy. I find that after a week or so, I can have trouble getting to sleep and although the body is tired, there's a part of me that isn't.

Anyway, I found a good book by Mantak Chia (Taoist Tantra Master) called "Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy"

This is the one for women: "Healing Love through the Tao: Cultivating Female Sexual Energy"

This has some good daily practices for single people that can have a huge effect on balancing the sexual energy. Some of those practices though activate the sexual energy but stopping before orgasm and tensing certain muscles (Perenium) and visualising and moving energy up the spine. I guess this may result in an increase in dopamin, however, because there's no loss of energy then there's still that feeling of love without the downside or negatives that you'd get if you did have a full orgasm and ejaculated. This also helps to have sex in a "regular" fashion with a partner without being overly sensitive and causing an accidental orgasm. You can still move around a lot so that you partner can still have an orgasm if that's what they want but also at the same time retain the energy and increase those loving feelings. Tensing certain muscles gives you a lot of control over your own body to orgasm. Some of the practices for singles are similar with stimulation to activate the sexual energy and then channelling it up the spine and then down the front to the stomach. I've tried this sort of exercise in the past but it never seemed to work very effectively until I did the singles practices that actually activate the sexual energy. Once that energy is moved from the sexual glands to other parts of the body then I can feel a distinct relaxing and those cravings and desire to have sx are gone for the day. This works in the short term, but I've found after a period of time of a couple of weeks of not having sx then there's a different type of pull or compulsion to join in an intimate way with my wife. It's like it's not a sexual drive but a drawing to her to be part of her and join with her, and I always feel much closer to her and much much more balanced overall afterwards and have a strong feeling of love for her.

I'm not saying this is a replacement to the practices that are highlighted in the book, but may help some people who have a partner that isn't interested in them and who may want "regular" style sx. The practices in the book can greatly help you to learn to channel and move the sexual energy so that it doesn't build up in the sexual glands and make you go crazy. In fact the practices greatly increase your overall energy and you could literally go all night every night if that was what you and your partner wanted.

Thanks for this post

Manktak Chia's book was also my first introduction to sex without conventional orgasm. Grandually, I found that - with a partner - the techniques were too performance-oriented and goal driven. If the valley orgasm is an experience of total relaxation, then how can clenching teeth and buttocks lead there?

However, without cooperation of a partner, such techniques may be quite appropriate. Avoiding orgasm, in my view, generally "takes two to tango" and mutual nurturing.

Have you seen this man's story? http://www.reuniting.info/testimonials/2007/experimentation
How would you compare your experience?

I'm also curious. Did your wife read "Peace?" Or did she just do the Exchanges? We've found that the latter is generally not enough.

Thanks again for your brave exploration and sharing.

Thanks for the response and

Thanks for the response and link Marnia. I too have spent years reading and practicing Samael Aun Weor's methods. I found the Mantak Chia's method of activating the sexual energy to be very similar to Vajroli Mudra as described by the person in the link. Yes, it seemed to help him, as it's also helped me. It's not the ideal, having a loving and sexual relationship with a sexual exchange at least every 3 days is what is ideal and if I was in that position then I probably wouldn't bother with doing a Vajroli Mudra type of practice. However, in reality I'm not in that sort of relationship and I know it's rare to come across a couple who are in a longer term marriage where both partners want to practice non-ograsm sex. That's where I think there is an alternative for the partner who still doesn't want to ejaculate and lose their energy. This is described in Mantak Chia's books. I think his book is like finding a set of tools, it's up to you what you feel appropriate to use and how to use it and when. If you've developed and practiced control for a while then it doesn't necessarily have to be a butt and teeth clenching experience.
As far as dry orgasm goes, I presume the author of that link was talking about the 3 finger lock or the external lock where the male presses 3 fingers on the perenium to block the ejaculation. However, as described by Samael Aun Weor and Mantak Chia, there are 3 types of sexual energy that can be lost at orgasm. (3 types of energy - Brute Mercury, Second, the electric essence of the sperm, third Mercury-Holy Spirit). When having a "dry" orgasm the first type of energy may not be lost but the other 2 types of energy which are more refined are lost.

I'm not surprised that author felt "depleted" when having sex with an orgasm addict. I found when my wife and I were trying to get pregnant a while ago, that I took up having orgasms/ejaculations during my wife's fertile period of the month but retained the semen the rest of the month. I did find that during the period I was ejaculating that I felt more depleted and I didn'nt have nearly as much energy and got sick more frequent. It took about 1 - 2 weeks before I started to feel my energy was back and started to feel normal again. It took about 10 months to get pregnant.
From my encounters on web sites, it's rare to find single guys who can live for a period of time without ejaculating either from noctural emission (wet dreams) or succumbing to masterbation and then feeling very guilty about it. This is another area that some of the Mantak Chia's singles practices can come in handy, so that the single person or the married person who doesn't have sex as often as he feels he needs it can practice ways to move the energy out of the sexual glands and to other areas of the body that can use it. Once that energy has been moved from the sexual glands, there's a noticeable relaxing of the body and a very much reduced phsical feelings of any sort of "horniness". I found when doing the exchanges, my sexual energy build up a great deal and there are periods of about 4 - 6 weeks before you start to have sex, which were extremely difficult. Just mentally trying to move the energy up the spine and/or to the heart was not enough, and I had trouble sleeping, etc. My wife did read your book and we did do all the exhanges together a number of times. Unfortunately she even though we were doing the exchanges she was never interested in doing a sexual exhange more than once a week so I felt like I was very much on edge from around the 3rd day after the sexual exchange to the rest of the week. In hindsight I think Mantak Chias methods could have greatly helped me at these points in time.
Everybody is different and what might suit one person may not suit others.

Thanks, but...

This site is not about "better orgasms," Maurice. It's about increasing the harmony between partners and the sustainability of intimate relationships.

Orgasms don't necessarily advance these goals, even if ejaculation is avoided, because of the intensity of orgasm at a brain chemical level: http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_and_addiction.

Moreover, as this man found, "loss" feelings are not strictly related to loss of semen: http://www.reuniting.info/testimonials/2007/experimentation

By the way, when you want to "sell" services, please post them at this part of the forum: http://www.reuniting.info/forum/208.


To my knowledge, you need to

To my knowledge, you need to have sex to be able to have a valley orgasm.
My original post wasn't to decribe a way to be able to have more or better orgasms whether regular or valley. It was help those people that are living with a long term partner who doesn't want to have sex as frequently as they feel they themselves need OR people who are single. The feelings of desire for sex or what you may call the sex drive or feeling "horny" can be sublimated just as well having sex with no orgasm as having sex with orgasm. That's what a lot of people don't seem to understand. But for those people who aren't in that situation then they may feel they need some help.
My post was to help those people with some techniques that they may be able to use so that they can sublimate and transmute their sexual energy into a more refined type of energy and feel balanced. Once the sexual energy has been moved from the sexual glands to another part of the body, head, heart, solar plexus, etc, the feelings of sexual frustration greatly subside. This is done without losing the physical sexual energy through ejaculation or the spiritual energy.
Once again, if you have a loving partner who will practice the sexual exchanges with you as specified by Marnia on a regular basis (at most 3 days between exchanges) then you most likely don't need to bother with any of these other techniques. They are just there to help those who feel like they're climbing the walls in sexual frustration, due to their partner not willing to have sex on a frequent basis or who are single.