I've found this site this past summer, and immediately realized that a lot of my mounting ED problems had to do with me living in the "mastrubatory world in my head" as opposed to the real world and "in the moment".
However, porn seems to be only a minor factor in my recovery - and I can't quite figure out how to put myself "over the edge" as I just can't get past a certain recovery stage.
I've been mastrubating since about 12-13 years old - and went to watching porn at about 14. High speed internet wasn't prevalent back then, so I didn't watch stuff that was streaming and ultra hardcore, but pornographic enough anyways. I'd mastrubate several times a day sometimes, not thinking much of it.
I lost my virginity with a hooker at around 21 years old or so - and I got a decent erection but nothing ultra superb.
After that I went on a hooker binge of sorts - dysfunctionally trying to have sex with as many women as possible. At first I had these performance anxiety issues where I'd lose my erection when the condom came out - but somehow I read about "just relax, be in the moment" and it worked.
For a while I was having no problems at all, besides maybe losing an erection after about 15-20 minutes sometimes. I'd be able to get it right back up without stopping penetration and right back to full hardness so I never thought much of it.
Eventually, as I resumed watching porn on a high-speed internet channel now while fuckin 5-6 hookers a month on average, my erections got weaker very gradually. And again I'd write it off to some "stubborn ass hoe who didn't wanna suck me as good as she could have" and go "get my confidence back up" by having sex with someone else.
For a while the novelty of my porno-fantasies coming true with all those Teen, MILF and other whores really kept me going - but my erections were getting weaker and weaker on average and in general. I'd look back to the few times everything was good and convince myself it's all about the "vibe with the partner" and that at 25 I'm "getting old" and need manual stimulation for my dick and that's totally normal.
Eventually it got to a point where I was just mostly totally flaccid and uninterested. I had to have hookers mastrubate me or suck me off while I fantasized HARD about some extremely dirty stuff and that was the only way I could get off after a while.
Then I found the your brain on porn site while browsing for help after another particularly sad encounter. By then I was watching pretty damn extreme porn too, defintiely the escalation process was noticeable.
Now I'm 27 years old and have been trying the "reboot/rewiring" process in a gradual manner since about July 2011. Quitting watching porn was not a problem for me as I got only very few and very minor urges to watch again, and absolutely didn't give into them.
For me it was always about fantasy anyways - I'd get bored watching porn and go to my bed to jack off to my own fantasies.
Considering the fact that I smoke weed daily, and have been for a decade, fantasies naturally come better for me. So the big problem was me realizing that I was delusional about "oh I don't watch porn, I should be fine" because my bigger issue was fantasies.
I was wondering why guys talk about sticking their nuts into cold water and having to do pushups to calm down their "urges" for porn - but I was having those same UNMANAGEABLE cravings for FANTASY!
Essentially I quit porn and tried going to several hookers throughout my reboot - the result is this - I get just hard enough to where it's 90% of a full erection - stick it in and come within seconds. Later on, as I got deeper into my reboot, I couldn't even maintain a full erection at all and would come in a flaccid penis state.
So I went on and had several successful period of 10-21 days where I didn't mastrubate to porn at all. However I'd still "edge" by looking at the online pictures of hookers I once fucked...and then realized that almost always leads to relapse.
Now I would go another 33 days with no PMO, and by now I haven't watched ANY porn whatsoever in 6 monhts. However I'd still allow myself to fantasize about my past experiences with women right before falling asleep - until very recently. Those cravings were persistent for the first 4-5 days then went away COMPLETELY and I stopped randomly thinkin' about sex scenes from my past or imagining sex scenes with girl walking by.
Basically I progressed great at first, having many long periods of abstinence, only relapsing to mastrubation to physical sensations only or "softcore" type fantasies. However, I seem to be stuck on porn fantasy. I got a new girlfriend to start this year and had severe anxiety about how to take the step to have sex with her.
I ended up having the exact same problems as before - hard dick during oral with the erection dwindling really within about 10 seconds after the fact and no chance to penetrate whatsoever, condom or not. Now obviously as is always the case, the relationship deteriorated from there and it's looking really bad, even though she kept saying that "sex isn't important" to her....I know that to be false just because of how she changed her attitude towards me immediately after. I even failed this whole thing using yohimbine - which used to help me get an erection even during my "flaccid, burned out don't want sex" stage.
By now, I've got my energy levels back up to normal, and mastrubation by itself doesn't physically drain me anymore like it used to and only causes a very slight "comedown effect".
However, I still get no morning erections whatsoever and while I can now focus on the physical sensations in my penis and have a 75-80% solid erection just through physical stimulation - I can't get over that stage no matter what.
Now, clearly my issue was a lot more fantasy than porn, and I've only now cut the last "fantasy thread" - about 10 days before the experience. I would fantasize very little at that point, but still try and recall pleasant sexual experiences from the past - and there are plenty.
Another factor is that I've been trying to cut down on my marijuana usage - because I think the paranoia induced "performance anxiety". I mean, given my experiences it makes perfect sense to worry about performance, based on pure stats of the last few years. But marijuana I think kicks it into another gear if you take high doses constantly. So my theory is that it's not the weed, but the dosage which do you in. And constantly high dosages especially...hopefully I won't have to quit completely as that's a big part of my lifestyle and identity. If I cut down though, I'll get more high from a low tolerance - now junkie can argue with that :)
What I have going for me, is that I work out on a regular basis 3-4 times a week as the absolute minimum. I only drink alcohol maybe 3-4 times a year total, and watch my nutrition closely. I've cut down my intake of meats and eat loads of fruit, oatmeal, salads etc. I also take protein shakes and amino acids for my intense workouts.
So what I'm really wondering is - how much more should I aim for in this reboot/rewiring process? Clearly everyone's been saying the biggest issue is porn, which was extremely easy for me to give up. Should I wait a long time with continuing no PMO and just continuing having no fantasies (again fantasies stopped being a problem almost immediately after I cut them out) and things will sort themselves out ?
Again I've been 6 months without porn, and had 3 periods of 20+ days of no PMO during that time - in addition to never really relapsing into a binge, and having other great runs of 10-14 days when I'd relapse once and get back to it.
How much is chronic marijuana use a factor? - Considering that I'm cutting down now and haven't been smoking Snoop Dogg levels or anything close to that for years. Maybe 1-1.5 grams a day most of the time of some good weed.
Basically most of my reboot dealt with porn, with fantasy being cut out a lot slower, and more gradual, as I made more realizations about the situation. Can fantasy really be such a huge factor or can there be other issues ?
The reason I'm asking is because I have poor heredity when it comes to prostate/kidney diseases and I'm worried I might actually have a real physical problem.
The other thing is relaxation - I find it hard to relax in general...I would like to hear your opinions on where I'm at in my reboot/recovery and how much longer would I need to wait ? Because to be honest with you I feel like a new man mentally, but with the same physical problems and mental issues as my "old self"...so it's like this reboot works and it doesn't for me at the same time.
Looking forward to hearing from you all - and a good day/night to the whole reuniting community!