Today is the 50th day of my reboot. So far it has been an incredible experience. I have changed on so many levels! I have 11 days left until my reboot is complete. How do I know? Well when I started this reboot I thought it would take 61 days to rewire.
Anyway I wanted to talk about this girl...(this seems so strange- last year I would never ever have guessed I would be able to say that sentence. Bear in mind my P addiction did not hit me at all with ED but instead made me an introvert with no social intentions the longest sentence said to a girl being "Hi")
I'm 17. This is my final year at school. In one of my classes this girl decided to sit next to me. I was instantly captivated by her. Before this reboot I wouldn't have been able to speak to her.
Well I manage to get through small talk without to much trouble now. But our conversations are so normal- I know that if I don't do something more nothing will happen between us. I realise my goal is that I want her to be my girlfriend. She's pretty, kind and new to this school.
I thought I scored major points when I offered to show her to a hard to find classroom. It really boosted my confidence.
That was last week. I'm so excited for every class with her now lol but unfortunately today I just talked to her sadly like I had no interest in her (maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself) but anyway she was wondering how to get out of the schools athletics day tommorow because she hasn't bought PE gear. I said you can't really...
But later on that day I realised I could help her! Although I do not have the correct colored gear for her my brother does! Throughout a long mental debate I finally decided "Fuck it. You wan't to be confident- just do it! So I did. Got a decent opportunity the situation went like this:
'Hi have you figured out what your going to do about athletics day?'
'I can help, see my brother has the correct gear you can borrow it if you want'
'But its for boys'
'No it doesn't matter' (the gears are unisex)
'it will be too big for me'
'well I thought it would be better than buying the gear (expensive)'
'yeah I think ill buy it then sell it back to the school'
Then I walk off without saying a proper goodbye. One of my friends and her friends were standing there the whole time...amused I suppose. Luckily I didn't get too much flak from my mate :)
See thing is now I feel like I've fucked up. I feel proud that I had the confidence to approach her- to do it. But I feel like I have offended her, especially with my poor exit. (I suck at saying 'hi' and 'bye'). I also think about her last sentence- She did infact know what she was going to do re tommorow.
Am I reading too far into this? I like her alot. I hope I havn't offended her. I feel she is important to the motivation for my reboot. And here I am now on the brink...feeling I've failed ready to fire up every decayed neural pathway, pump them full of dopamine and have the biggest fucking PMO ever.