Day 50- about to PMO

Submitted by anon1400 on
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Today is the 50th day of my reboot. So far it has been an incredible experience. I have changed on so many levels! I have 11 days left until my reboot is complete. How do I know? Well when I started this reboot I thought it would take 61 days to rewire.

Anyway I wanted to talk about this girl...(this seems so strange- last year I would never ever have guessed I would be able to say that sentence. Bear in mind my P addiction did not hit me at all with ED but instead made me an introvert with no social intentions the longest sentence said to a girl being "Hi")

I'm 17. This is my final year at school. In one of my classes this girl decided to sit next to me. I was instantly captivated by her. Before this reboot I wouldn't have been able to speak to her.

Well I manage to get through small talk without to much trouble now. But our conversations are so normal- I know that if I don't do something more nothing will happen between us. I realise my goal is that I want her to be my girlfriend. She's pretty, kind and new to this school.

I thought I scored major points when I offered to show her to a hard to find classroom. It really boosted my confidence.

That was last week. I'm so excited for every class with her now lol but unfortunately today I just talked to her sadly like I had no interest in her (maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself) but anyway she was wondering how to get out of the schools athletics day tommorow because she hasn't bought PE gear. I said you can't really...

But later on that day I realised I could help her! Although I do not have the correct colored gear for her my brother does! Throughout a long mental debate I finally decided "Fuck it. You wan't to be confident- just do it! So I did. Got a decent opportunity the situation went like this:

'Hi have you figured out what your going to do about athletics day?'
'I can help, see my brother has the correct gear you can borrow it if you want'
'But its for boys'
'No it doesn't matter' (the gears are unisex)
'it will be too big for me'
'well I thought it would be better than buying the gear (expensive)'
'yeah I think ill buy it then sell it back to the school'

Then I walk off without saying a proper goodbye. One of my friends and her friends were standing there the whole time...amused I suppose. Luckily I didn't get too much flak from my mate :)

See thing is now I feel like I've fucked up. I feel proud that I had the confidence to approach her- to do it. But I feel like I have offended her, especially with my poor exit. (I suck at saying 'hi' and 'bye'). I also think about her last sentence- She did infact know what she was going to do re tommorow.

Am I reading too far into this? I like her alot. I hope I havn't offended her. I feel she is important to the motivation for my reboot. And here I am now on the brink...feeling I've failed ready to fire up every decayed neural pathway, pump them full of dopamine and have the biggest fucking PMO ever.

Are you kidding me?

You're a hero. By tomorrow she won't even remember it. Just keep your head up...and your twinkle on. And carry on chatting with her as if you've forgotten all about it...or tell her you're looking forward to seeing her in her new athletic gear. Wink

Also, it was a very chivalrous thing to do. Good on you.

Wow thanks for the

Wow thanks for the encouragement. I'm now re-motivated to complete the reboot. These last days are tough but I know I can make it.

I'll just continue trying and forget about it. Though I have considered apologising or would this be an unwise play due to it attracting attention to the event?

I do indeed have a secret to success- without it I surely would have failed 1 week in. My secret is a spreadsheet. Basicly I drew up a table with the headings: Day (1, 2..ect), Date, P, M, O

I put day down to 61 and for every day without either PM or O I would shade in the square for each coloumn. I think it helps because it lays down my goals and what I've accomplished clearly.

If your 30 year-old self could travel back in time

and lecture you, I'll bet he would tell you the following (just as I would tell my 17 year old self):
a) Join every high school sports team (and club and activity) you can, even if you are bad at sports. It's much harder to pick up sports at 30. Same with social skills.
b) Date and sleep with as many girls as possible (safety first, of course), and don't date anyone longer than six months until you are at least 23.
c) "Helpful" isn't the first quality girls look for in guys. Neither is "apologetic". You're on the right track with the confidence thing though.
d) Don't look at porn. Life is too short.

Sounds like you're doing great on the reboot - keep it up.

yea man i mean obviously i

yea man i mean obviously i can't judge the situation to well because I couldnt see all of the non verbal cues ( that communication is 90% is non verbal is completely true in my opinion. 2 guys could say the same thing to a girl and have completely opposite results) but it seemed like you were trying to talk to her after you felt bad about blowing her of and you were being helpful because you felt bad. She seemed to give you short answers and didn't seem to be thankful that you were trying to help so I don't think u needa be all mushy and nice. Again, seriously not trying to drive you crazy and make you analyze the situation anymore, but if you walked away confidently and not with your tail between your legs shes probably gonna respect you more. It will leave an impression.

Plus Idk if youve ever relapsed or really what your situation is with this but if you PMO just think about all of the negative things that will come with it, and how shitty you will feel just moments after you blow your load. Not worth it at all.