I've posted a few times in the past about my struggling and issues. To briefly summarize, I had been having chronic ED issues during sex, and I made it up to 48 days with no PMO before my first relapse. During the course of that time, I noticed significant improvements with regards to "down there" as well as "up there" (my head was clearer, I had high self-esteem, I was generally less anxious about the prospect of having sex again). However, I relapsed and had to climb the mountain again. The relapse went on for a couple weeks as I went on-again off-again, but as of now I've gone just short of three weeks with no PMO. I've tried not to force erections, tried not to stress about the pressures of sex, done meditation and Kegel exercises daily. However, I don't think I'm at the point of confidence that I was at before my first relapse. Nowhere along the journey have I had or attempted to have sex with anyone, and in fact I have not had sex in about six months.
I have started seeing someone, and I won't go into details, but it's extremely likely that I will be attempting to have sex this weekend. This is putting a lot of pressure on me -- in part because I haven't had sex in a long time, but mainly because I haven't had sex SINCE I gave up PMO. Whether for better or worse, I feel like my sexual self is changed since I started this journey. I have no idea what is going to happen.
Furthermore, I don't know yet if I'm "cured" since I don't feel exactly like I did at the end of the 48 day fast.
I am supremely luck to have found someone I really care a lot about, and if it weren't for my own anxiety and nerves I would jump at the opportunity to get physical with her. But with that attraction comes baggage -- particularly that I care deeply about what she thinks of me, and I want her to have a good time. I don't want to completely blow it, and I want to know that all this effort has done some good. But I have never felt so in the dark with regards to my sexual self since before I lost my virginity.
I don't mean to fish for compliments, but some words of encouragement and/or advice would do me some good -- especially from those of you who have given up PMO and experienced successful results. Thank you so much, all of you, for being active on this site and for working in tandem with each other to be more healthy.