I mean deeply tired. Too tired to stay in myself and resist a sense that I’m being evicted from myself. I need a break and yet I don’t know what that means. How can one put this growth on pause for a bit and let a natural course evolve? Is this a natural course? Breakthroughs lead to more breakthroughs, abstinence to more abstinence, and relapse to more relapse. It’s an exhausting process. Maybe it’s because it’s all I really have at the moment. Without this, life would be just about empty. Maybe this is aging and has nothing to do with this here. Maybe this is why monks get seven chances to go and come from the monastery. Maybe I need somewhere to go and live in some other way for some time. It’s a big world. Where I’ve gone has been no better. I’m the same so there is little point in going. Trying on a mask and being someone else might be one way. That seems exhausting. Maybe that’s what I’m doing anyway. I’m perplexed, simply perplexed. I'm even thinking of contacting a former female friend just to see if that adds the right fuel. That's often not a good idea so I'm resisting.