I’m tired

Submitted by freedom on
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I mean deeply tired. Too tired to stay in myself and resist a sense that I’m being evicted from myself. I need a break and yet I don’t know what that means. How can one put this growth on pause for a bit and let a natural course evolve? Is this a natural course? Breakthroughs lead to more breakthroughs, abstinence to more abstinence, and relapse to more relapse. It’s an exhausting process. Maybe it’s because it’s all I really have at the moment. Without this, life would be just about empty. Maybe this is aging and has nothing to do with this here. Maybe this is why monks get seven chances to go and come from the monastery. Maybe I need somewhere to go and live in some other way for some time. It’s a big world. Where I’ve gone has been no better. I’m the same so there is little point in going. Trying on a mask and being someone else might be one way. That seems exhausting. Maybe that’s what I’m doing anyway. I’m perplexed, simply perplexed. I'm even thinking of contacting a former female friend just to see if that adds the right fuel. That's often not a good idea so I'm resisting.


I've been lazy this week.

I've been lazy this week. Before that, I was doing yoga nearly daily. I needed some rest to heal a sore spot. I did some free weights some days. I've not made a meditation routine. I'm nearly always meditating in some ways while going about my day. I do plenty writing and journaling, maybe too much at times. All this inner work can seem just too much. Even yoga felt like it was consuming my life.

I'm definitely not busy with everything else. I've come to a place where there is little else, I make little else, and I do little, very little of importance. My motivations are just gone. Whatever I have to do I don't want to do and whatever I should or might want to do I'm not doing. It's peculiar because I historically have had ongoing side hobbies and often created more when I wasn't busy enough. Those have just gotten cast aside. Nuisance projects sit undone. Procrastination isn't even the right word anymore. It's kind of a mess. My family is getting fed up.

I could be busy perhaps if I didn't have to organize the busyness and it was engaging enough to not resent it. Even then, I might crash at certain points. I don't seem to be able to organize much of anything myself at the moment. I can't yet predict the crashing points. There may be some health reasons for these changes. It's still unclear which itself is stressful. It's adding to feeling not understood and I barely understand myself right now.

being active helps.

it's harder to face the problem when it's right in front of you. Remove yourself any way possible. Get out of the help. It improves your mood. Go to starbucks and read a book - say hello to the barista. Then, call up a good friend for a beer and a bar you haven't been to. I promise you'll feel great again. Start things off with some running and some good music - and you'll pick right up. This has worked for me countless times.

Egh, maybe. I tend to stay

Egh, maybe. I tend to stay home rather than go sit in Starbucks. It doesn't help that I'm not much of a caffeine consumer and I find the noise can be distracting. I used to force it more because others thought it was helpful and I needed to study. It's often been a waste of time meaning more of a going than a doing.

I'm also not much of a bar person. The folks I could just call up are either too busy or too far from me. I guess I need some new friends. I've been working at that without much success.

Walking about is good and now that the weather is good maybe I'll do more of it. I'm contemplating forcing myself to just be out for certain hours regardless of whether I do anything useful at all. Something like roam town from 9-5pm. Eventually, maybe something will come of it.

Whatever my problems are, they don't seem simple enough for mere distraction to allow a resolution. It seems some sort of methodical drudgery is the way. The problem is what drudgery and how will I force myself to fight through.

A while back...

I got interested in learning how to dress better and improve my looks. I felt better, and I became more attractive to women. To get there, I did a lot of researching, window shopping, and going in stores to try stuff on. Some days, I would go to the mall, try to "get it" by trying on different outfits. I got to know my body and what looks good on it. Seemed to help. It was a solo activity.

And, starbucks has tea. Bring headphones. My point was that just being out and around people helps. Being home accomplishes nothing, even if you're more introverted. Not into bars? That's okay too. Do a community event. Check out meetup.com and see what events are around. If you live near a bigger city, there are always events going on. You could also just make it a rule to browse the net at starbucks. works for me.

Web browsing out could be an

Web browsing out could be an interesting rule. I'm not sure I could stick to that now that I'm partially a bionic brain.

I do solo things like that. Your suggestion is interesting because it's less aimless.

I guess you didn't see my socializing diet thread. Being out seems to help more than aimless socializing where there isn't enough intimacy.

I volunteer, sometimes

I volunteer, sometimes regularly, sometimes more intensely as in an entire weekend. Group sports aren't really my thing. I'm not sure what you mean by a club. That could be just about anything including houses of worship. I'm go to events where many of the people are mostly the same because it's sort of a club. There are some places where many people know my name. These places don't mean much to me. I sometimes wonder why I bother. Probably boredom with the exception of random interesting events and even then perhaps boredom.

Loneliness. Sure, it's an aspect. How high up the emotional ladder is hard to say. I've lived an alone life. Loneliness can be typical.