I would love to get some feedback on some of what I have been going through, if at all possible. Any suggestions, opinions, etc that you may have, please feel free to share them with me.
I have a wonderful girlfriend who I feel that I will be with for the rest of my life. This is not important, but her existence and enormous help in my life is the main part. For this reason, I project our continued relationship. She is different than my last girlfriend, however. I feel that we are opposites and that we both have something to give each other. I am more organized, in control, and firm WHEN I am not in addiction-mode. It is interesting that when I feel in binge-mode, I feel little connection to her and a very awful feeling of despair. It feels much better to be in control now with her around because I see how it helps her as well. It feels as though she is an angel sent to me from a god to help me through this and in my life. Such a binding force we are together! She helps me because she is so bloody beautiful, it is as if she came directly from the heavens and laid down upon my life. Her every word, her understanding of beauty and truth, our spiritual connections...all so perfect!
BUT. The sex is not sex, really. She seems to enjoy it, but I just kind of do it. My mind runs the whole time and I am constantly thinking. There is no deep-seated pleasure. It is as if my mind turns on immediately when I begin sex. I even think of my ex sometimes.
Thoughts of my ex really turn me on. Unfortunately, I masturbated to fantasies of her last night. I felt so horrible afterwards, and I still feel badly, but moving on. But I am finding it very hard to gain sexual energy in my new relationship. Could it be the porn recovery? Could it be that I need a break from the sexual period in order to restore my brain? I have had to think of her as an object before just to get myself to ejaculate. Or I had to imagine her as a porn star that I was 'banging'. So characteristic of my porn days. So horrible to desecrate her perfect being like this. I resolved to never do that, and I have been pretty solid with that, and slowly, very slowly, getting more turned on by her. But I still feel little sexual attraction to her. I feel that this is alright.
But what is so strange to me is that my ex is so incredibly attractive to me. I think that I may have been treating her last year as my own private porn star that I can toy around with. Wwhile I had feelings for her, I also was obsessed with the sexual part and I think it mostly drove me on through all the bad parts. Now I am in a real relationship which I cherish enormously. I won't let it go at all. I am glad it doesn't focus on sex.
Is this a story you've heard before? Is my brain still trying to reel with the absence of porn and come up with some way to deal with what I have lost in my stimulation?
Sorry for all of the writing. I appreciate y'all for reading.
Love and Peace,