HOCD, internalized homophobia or denial? Please help me...

Submitted by adamterrof on
Printer-friendly version

Hi. I have been going through a lot in the last few months. I dont know if im suffering from HOCD, internalized homophobia or denial. I will give you a brief history:

As a child/teenager, I have has several same sex experiences. Although I felt very bad about it afterwards, I cant get over the fact that I did have same sex experiences. Also, during my teen years (for 6 years), I masturbated to gay porn and had gay fantasies about guys I new. I honestly think that I suffered from HOCD from a very young age, but then again, maybe i didnt. I can remember always checking to see if I was walking, talking, sounding gay and if people could see through me and know/think that im gay. The fact that I have masturbated many times over guys that I know scares me, because its not only watching gay porn, but actually masturbating to people that I knew!!! OMG! But i feel like the people i masturbated to are the people that I wanted to be like. I always had extreme low self esteem and I always felt like every other guy was better looking than me. The sad part is that at most times, I did enjoy these experiences/masturbation! (although I stopped enjoying them for 4 months now).

No at 18, when I look back, I feel sooooooo depressed. I keep researching on the internet about HOCD and internalized homophobia to see which one I am. I dont want to be gay.... really. I dont have anything against gay people, but I just dont want to be gay. I am constantly checking to see if i am acting a gay way as i think that people are constantly analysing me. I also look at gay porn and straight porn (which I really like ) to test and see which one gets me more aroused. Sadly, I sometimes feel like the gay porn gets me more aroused, which leads to my axiety attacks. Please help me guys, I dont know what to do. I want to let go of my past and start afresh, but my mind is continuously looking at my past same sex experiences and gay fantises and masturbation to conclude that im gay.

Also, i must note that i love girls. I really really do. I have had dozens of girl crushes growing up and about 11 girlfriends which i loved a lot. However, I have also had a very low self esteem, and feel like im not good enough for them. This is perhaps why some girls intimidate me. Also, I feel like evn though i really want to get married and have kids, I wont be able to because i minght not be about to have erections for women. This is killing me.... i dont know what to do.

I can never see myself being in a relationship with a man, never. I also don t think that i want to act on the many gay thoughts that come into my head, although my mind keeps telling me that you want it. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like my past is holding me back.

A few days ago, i went to a party and got with a girl that i found really attractive. However, my mind kept telling me that im lying to myself and that i dont like girls. but i know this is a lie because i have had many girlfriends and enjoyed my relationships, i really did. I got soo anxious that i was unable to get an erection for the girl, which is something i really wanted. The lead me to conclude that i am gay.

I am constantly looking around for reassurances... constantly. Sometimes i feel like i do have HOCD, and other I feel like im gay and in denial. Yesterday, i looked at gay and straight porn to see my arousal levels. Although i do like straight porn, it seemed like gay porn aroused me more. I ended up masturbating to it and spent the night in tears, feeling utterly depressed.

Does it mean something that during my teen years, i mostly masturbated to gay porn and i liked it at times? I feel like this means im gay. Sometimes I think im bi, but it doesnt sit well with me. It really doesnt. I feel like all i want is to be with a women. There are times when i see a really hot girl and im like 'wow'. But my mind says that 'you're gay and you dont like women.' This kills me... it honestly does. Now it seems like if i think of my past, i was more sexually attracted to boys in my school than to girls. I dont know if its true, but its killing me.

So, what do you think i have? HOCD or internalized homophobia? I would love your honest opinion because I dont know what to think anymore. These last few months have really been hard. I like to think that its because of my low self esteem that has resulted in me starting to wank to gay porn in my teen years as i felt that i wasnt good enough for women. I have also been in relationships that have really hurt me, as the girls cheated on me or told me that they liked someone else. This really hurt my self esteem. It really did. I havent watched gay porn for 2 months now (except for yesterday), and it feels good. I can really do without it in my life. I feel like straight porn is great, but im scared that its the man that gets me aroused. All i want is to be able to love girls like before, and get erections for them I really like women, not lying to myself. I cant bare a thought of having a relationship with a man. Its just the sexual part of men that gets me aroused sometimes, but even then, i dont like it.

Whenever i look at these HOCD forums (which i do a lot), I always feel like other people are truly HOCD and that im in denial because of my childhood and teenage years. That hurts a lot. It really get me thinking, which i hate.

The hardest part is, I still get severe urges to masturbate to gay porn and fantasies about other guys today. I dont know if this is gay porn/fantasy addiction, but i truly want it to stop! honestly i feel soooooooooooo depressed after i orgasm to it, and then i have to go onto forums to make myself feel better and reassure my self. It seems like I cant help myself to masturbating to gay porn, even though Im starting to really feel disgusted by it.

Yesterday, I went onto the emptycloset website and someone said the following:

"The first thing I will say is that by having OCD and having false fears of being gay does not mean you are not in fact gay. Cases have existed where the person in distress has suffered from genuine ocd about this fear to the point that it has prevented them from accepting their true orientation. Being treated for ocd will not guarantee you are not of homosexual orientation and the treatment for ocd (CBT with ERP) will, in the end, result in the acceptance of your homosexuality if you are in fact homosexual. Second of all, it is very unlikely for the OCD sufferer to experience arousal to homosexual stimulus and erotica. Typically, the OCD sufferer will be aroused by erotica of the orientation they identify with and not be aroused by erotica of the orientation they fear being but still remain uncertain of their orientation. This uncertainty can drive an ocd sufferer to the ends of their sanity to try and find an answer."

I cannot explain how much that spiked me. I cried for hours. The fact that I mastubated to gay fanasies for sooo long during my teen years and still cant stop doing it scares me to death. God knows how much I want to be with women. But during my teen years, and still now, my self esteem has been so low that it seems like i only concentrated more on acctractive guys and how better they were than me, than on girls. UHHHH!!!! I just want to know who I am, gay and in denial or do I have HOCD?

Sorry for the long essay, but im just going through a rough time right now. Please help me know what i am.... please.


The guy on emptycloset isn't

The guy on emptycloset isn't correct.

A lot of straight guys masturbate sometimes to gay porn, or transexual porn, or while we're at it all sorts of other porn. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

It has to do with what gets the brain aroused, the deep lizard brain that craves novelty. It's an addiction like drugs, and it escalates in some guys so only the "forbidden" stuff gets them off.

It's like this. Assume you were 100% really okay if you were gay. You were fine with that. Then gay porn wouldn't be a big deal to you, and although you might masturbate to it, you wouldn't think anything of it. And it probably wouldn't have the draw it does now.

It's stimulating because it's wrong and forbidden.

What you resist, persists.

By resists, I mean the worse thing your mind can come up with is "you must be gay" and your mind fights that so hard that it persists.

I used to think that masturbation fantasies were our "real" orientation but I have found this is not true. It is just that what is forbidden and new gets us off after awhile when the "normal" stuff doesn't, and the more we get off, the more we work in a mental groove, like a groove on a road, that reinforces that behavior.

But it isn't fundamentally our orientation.

Here is what you need to do. Quit all masturbation, all porn of every kind. Quit all fantasy as best you can. Study rebooting accounts here and on YourBrainOnPorn.com. And your brain will reboot and rewiring will take place.

Expect your mind to object and say "you're gay" and "you need to test this out by masturbating and seeing if you get aroused" but just don't do it. Just don't. Expect the thoughts and when they appear, say "yep, that's what I knew would happen." Those thoughts just appear, they aren't you, and you just have to be patient, expect gay/doubting thoughts, and just don't fantasize, use porn, or masturbate...and things will be fine and you'll start gaining more confidence like you never imagined.

thank you soooooo much for

thank you soooooo much for your reply. I have been going through hell the past couple of months. I realized that although i masturbated to gay porn and had gay fantasies, i NEVER had any emotional connection to any man. Ever since I can remember,ive loved being with girls, a lot. It is definitely time for me to start rebooting because I hate the way I am at the moment. I really cant wait until my genuine feelings for girls gets stronger. Thank you, really. :)

Off topic maybe

and I'm not trying to trivialise what you're going through, but i would love to be Bi, my ex was bi (she was female) and i was quite envious that she could fancy both genders. Though i think Emerson's post is more relevant and helpful Smile

What you're going through is getting more and more common

Alas, it's not easy to cope with any kind of OCD, especially when you're hooked on porn and feeling off-balance as a result. Imbalance makes you anxious, and then your brain looks around for an explaination...and seizes on your childhood experiments as The Reason.

They aren't. It's more than likely that your addiction to Internet porn is. It's normal to seek shocking and anxiety-producing material as your brain grows number from overconsumption. This is true of any addiction. Learn more by watching Gary''s videos: http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series

To ease your anxiety, you have to stop analyzing your circumstances and let the relevant brain pathways fall into disuse. This takes a lot of discipline, especially as you will go through a very uncomfortable withdrawal as you unhook from porn. Meditation might help. Usually vigorous exercise does too.

In any case, check out this FAQ: http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual

Good luck. You may also like this forum: http://yourbrainonporn.com/visit-wwwyourbrainrebalancedcom

Thanks for your reply. I just

Thanks for your reply. I just feel really depressed confused at the moment. Are you sure this is common? (as in for straight guys to masturbate to gay porn and fantasies)? What really gets to me is that my strong love and desire to be with women seems to be dwindling away slowly as this HOCD (if I even do have it) gains more control over me. I cant believe I spent the majority of my teen years masturbating to gay thoughts. Please give me your honest opinions, do you think im gay? Please be as honest as possible, please. Im just soo depressed its hard to move on!

it's very common

the reason I posted the link above is that it is common for straight people to masturbate to gay porn and gay people to masturbate to straight porn. I wanted to show you that because you have to realize it's the brain seeking forbidden topics and novelty that creates the excitement the brain wants.

This is so common you wouldn't believe it. You think you're the only one -- MILLIONS of people are thinking the exact same thing you are!

What makes it worse is that you freak out about it, and that makes it persist. When you finally relax about your identity and stop masturbating, stop testing, stop trying to think arousing thoughts in order to test yourself, then you will start recovery. It will happen. It is pretty automatic, but you need to do your part.

As guys unhook from

Internet porn's extreme stimulation, they start to find normal women more attractive...no matter what the heck they were looking at.

It's normal as you escalate to things you find shocking or anxiety-producing...to find that earlier tastes "don't do it for you anymore." This is very common for everyone.

But honestly, you need to stop analyzing this and give your brain a long rest. Only experience will convince you of the truth. No amount of reassurance from us will help...because that's just how OCD is.

You also need to read about this technique for healing OCD, and put it into practice: http://yourbrainonporn.com/schwartz-technique-rewiring-ocd. And then do your best to master ways of reducing your anxiety (meditation, exercise, whatever...ideas here: ♦Solo Tools ).

Remember...at the moment, you're getting turned on from the anxiety about this. Be honest. wink This means that coming here and analyzing yourself is like looking at porn...for you. Stop it.

Put your attention on avoiding Internet porn and masturbation for a couple of months...and you will see the truth for yourself. Your tastes will change back. And if they don't...only then would you know you're gay. (I'll bet money you're not.)

Focus on other activities: music, time with pets, exercise, socializing, etc.