[Sexy pic from digitalplayground.com (NSFW)]
Thank you internet! Today you can book a flight, do your weekly shopping and talk to distant relatives without ever getting off your arse.
That and get access to a Pandora’s box of sex, filth and nudity – an endless supply pornography, that our randy ancestors could only dream of.
It’s so easy, in fact, that you can quite easily overdo it and wind up like the sort of sleaze-brained sex-perv who sniffs second-hand stilettos in Oxfam.
But fear not – we won’t let things go that far. FHM presents 10 simple ways to tell if you’ve been overindulging in one-handed entertainment…
1. YOU MISUNDERSTAND YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHEN SAYS SHE WANTS “A FACIAL”
She wants a nutrient-rich cream smeared on her face by a qualified dermatologist – not the sort of nutrient-rich gloop you’re thinking of.
If the word ‘facial’ instantly conjures up images of milky-white love-piss being splashed on some Hungarian girl’s face, it’s a sure sign that you’ve OD-ed on the bongo.
2. YOU KNOW HOW TO DELETE YOUR COOKIES
Private browsing, deleting cookies and browser resets: all of this will mean little to your average non-porn user.
A connoisseur of filth, however, will know how to cover their masturbatory tracks like a hunter in a jungle of naked bottoms.
3. EVERYTHING – LITERALLY EVERYTHING – STARTS TO LOOKS RUDE
You’ve looked at so many wobbling, jiggling, juddering bits that you start to see porn everywhere.
Even this bloke's armpit can set off a flashback of that sore-wristed four-hour session on RedTube.
4. SOMEONE SAYS “GOD, SHE’S SO ANAL” – AND YOU PICTURE A BUMHOLE BEING PROBED
It you picture a gaping anus whenever someone uses the word “anal” to describe a fastidious person with a close attention to detail, it may be time to cut down on surfing the net with your trousers round your ankles.
5. A GIRL TELLS YOU SHE’S INTO WATERSPORTS…
…and you immediately start searching for plastic sheets on Amazon. She was talking about windsurfing, you raging sex-gargoyle.
6. YOU CAN NAME ALL OF THE ‘ACTRESSES’ BELOW
[Image deleted, stars identified below]
7. YOU KNOW THE NAMES OF SEVERAL MALE PORN STARS
Even the most heterosexual of bongo enthusiasts will, over time, come to see the likes of Scott Nails and Peter North almost as friends – albeit naked friends with inordinately large penises.
If you also know the names of the sound guy and lighting director, then it’s definitely time to have your internet disconnected.
8. YOU SPEND FAR TOO LONG SEARCHING FOR THAT HOLY GRAIL PERFECT PICTURE
When you started looking at grumble even the slightest reveal of nipple would be enough to get you over the line.
Now you waste good hours of your precious life looking for ever more tailored erotica to arouse your numb porn-addled mind.
Girls with balloons just doesn’t do it for you anymore. They have to be rolling around in jelly too – that’s normal right?
9. YOU THINK AN A.T.M. IS A WAY TO GET A MOUTH INFECTION, NOT QUICK CASH
Even your nan knows basic porno terms these days – that’s why she was horrified when you said you’d give her a pearl necklace for her 80th.
Know your ATM from your MMF though, and you can count yourself as true expert/disturbed pervert.
10. YOU READ THIS
You’ll click on just about anything that has the word “porn” in it – including this very feature.
Look, you just like watching naked adults having full, consensual intercourse. Is that a crime?*
*If you’re reading this in Saudi Arabia or Iceland then yes, it is a crime. You should probably pull your trousers up right now and reset your browser.
(Answers to question 6: Terra Patrick, Jenna Jameson, Jesse Jane)