First steps in orgasm control as a couple

Submitted by Walesboy on
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Greetings community -

I want to write and share some exciting first steps that have happened for us (my wife and me) on the path of deepening sexual intimacy. The discussions in this forum, and particularly the inspiration of my friend Hotspring, have been very helpful.

I don't feel we are 'there' yet, and haven't really started working intentionally on exercises. But definitely moved from where we started late last year.

For a while I had been struggling with exploring reducing my own orgasm frequency, feeling drained and somewhat jaded with our sex life and wanting the sessions we had to slow down. But at the same time I would often stroke myself off to reduce tension, so I was in a very conflicted state. And for my wife, my own talk and attempts to not orgasm seemed selfish. It meant her already infrequent and elusive orgasms became even less, since the only way she was climaxing was riding me and I had to interrupt her to try not to come. And emotionally, since for her orgasm was a desirable but infrequent goal, I think my attempting to avoid orgasm came across as distancing myself from the sex we were sharing together.

How to move beyond this stalemate?

Instead of trying to limit my own orgasm, I switched emphasis to encouraging my wife to have control of my orgasm. I set up an online calendar for the two of us, and marked our orgasms on it in a code. The first thing that was obvious to us both was that I was climaxing way more often than her. And that three days was about as long as I would go before stroking off in the shower. Even though I had said this before, putting it out there so starkly was humbling for me.

The first month or more was frustrating for me, because the direction was not what I was trying to steer towards. My wife intentionally made me orgasm in our sex, even if it wasn't at a time that would help her come. It felt mean at the time, but in retrospect I think she needed to move it from my somewhat manipulative setup to her actually being in control. During this time I did stop stroking off to orgasm without her, the last time I did that being over a year ago. While I still stroke myself, ejaculating alone now feels such a letdown that I don't have much trouble resisting it.

Around this stage we also talked a lot about how my libido really fell after orgasm, for several days. I think this was not obvious to my wife, since I could get an erection fairly soon afterwards, but the feeling of arousal was very different. There were a few mutually frustrating occasions when she made me come just before a romantic weekend or evening, and then experienced my lowered desire. Initially I think I played this up, but when she called me on it I tried to be more honest, and that I could still feel affectionate but the real eros was low.

During this time of her deciding when I should come, literally saying when during our lovemaking, I was slowly learning to match my rhythm to her arousal (she on top) without ejaculating. I did do quite a lot of the classic 'kegel' type exercises. Her own orgasms were starting to feel within her control for the first time, and increasing in intensity.

Then came a fairly pivotal love making, when she rode me to her own orgasm, melted in post-relaxation over my still hard cock, and then whispered that I was NOT to come. It was an intense emotional moment for me - both wanting to orgasm and loving being hard and receptive. Since then I have learned to really enjoy her orgasm, I think in many ways more than my own, as such a delicous release and melting of energy over me.

During the last few months she has become much more intentional in deciding when I should orgasm, fitting it around our mutual schedule. It has been up to two weeks apart. Typically on a weekend she will come two or three times, including sometimes relaxing enough to come through oral sex (which wasn't stimulating enough before). Before her orgasm she will often call out my name, which never happened before. For myself, after a week I start to become very yearning for intimacy with her, thinking during the day of ways to connect, and enjoying mutual affectionate time more. If I feel ignored then it can definitely translate into frustration, but I mostly am able to reflect on how I much prefer feeling aroused than depleted, and looking forward to a loving encounter in the near future.

The final thing to share is that I recently suggested that we visit a tantric intimacy coach, and she was very positive and receptive. I couldn't have imagined this a year ago. So our journey will continue, hopefully in ways that combine arousal and affection in ways that are both 'hard' and 'soft'.

If you've read this far, thank you, and thank you for your inspiration.


Thanks for sharing your observations. All experience is good experience.

Just for the record, the "Peace" system is not "tantra." Tantra should be well suited to your wife's current focus, as it (at least as generally practiced in the West) amps up the sexual/orgasmic experience, rather than the peaceful, merging experience of total relaxation (the goal of "Peace"). Here's a description of the latter:

The technique is not based on control. [During intercourse] you are not seeking to avoid orgasm or to manipulate your bodily energies; you are merely closing your eyes, feeling those energies stream into your heart, head and genitals and those of your lover, and allowing them to circulate…. You are always relaxing, relaxing, falling back into the heart. Effortless awareness is the key. All your energies will be drawn upward, diffused throughout the body.… As this takes place, lustful tendencies will be transmuted into feelings of love and the need for conventional orgasm will lessen.

I wonder if your wife will someday have the courage to experiment with moving beyond orgasm toward that effortless merging experience? Right now, it sounds like she's thoroughly hooked on orgasm. Keep us informed!!

Update on our experience

So, it's been four months since I posted this, and wanted to share the experience of going to an intimacy coach, which we have done twice. As I had mentioned, just arranging to do this seems like such a bold step forward in being in sync sexually that it was exciting. The first time was mostly talk, and then some clothed hugging and connection, lots of emphasis on relaxed breathing and not having a 'goal'. Very positive, indeed one of our most affectionate interactions, with mutual gazing to a much greater extent than our typical lovemaking. The second time we got unclothed and it was closer to intercourse, but still the coach keeping bringing us back, me in particular, to staying relaxed, to not tightening up towards an orgasm but instead intentionally releasing muscle tension throughout the body, no clenching but melting. It was an amazing insight into how much tension, and obligation to be tense, I feel in our usual lovemaking. That my offering is not so much my body as my hardness - obviously the erect penis, but even beyond that to the tight buttocks, the straining neck to kiss her, the constant pushing towards the 'goal'. It took an outside voice to give me permission to try relaxing.

I learned how different for me this relaxation is from 'orgasm control'. It didn't feel like I was holding back, instead that I was simply choosing to melt and expand, so that ejaculation was no longer imminent despite still being very connected and sensually aroused. Initially I was worried that my 'softness' (although not specifically in my erection) would hinder my wife being able to orgasm, and perhaps on a subtle level, reduce her sense of me as 'hard', 'virile', 'manly'. It is difficult to let go of these definitions of ourselves in such a vulnerable place as sex.

But that fear has come to be unnecessary, since she continues to orgasm regularly during our sex, while for me it's much a less a struggle to control (which would often interrupt her rhythm), and more a commitment to stay focused on her rather than my own eros, breathing in a relaxed way, a container rather than a point.

In terms of orgasms, we've not so much changed in the last few months as settled in to a new place. As I have come less, typically twice a month, my wife has come much more often than in the past, typically several times on a weekend. And to be honest this has been exciting for me - exciting to experience her intensity, and to support her exploration. After 20 years of marriage it does feel like we are going back to the Honeymoon for a while, exploring a stage which we had skipped perhaps? She had never been consistent in getting orgasms during our sexual interaction, and chooses not to masturbate, so having this now is something of a head trip, more so I think because her own climax is a result of limiting mine. And I do think that power trip has opened up possibilities in our relationship dynamic, as I realize how much my previous sense of 'entitlement' to my own ejaculation was limiting how I made love to her, and her starting to ask for what she really wants from me.

So at this point my wife is definitely not interested in moving beyond orgasm. But I think that a lot of the reasons are this current dance is leading our relationship in some new directions, exploring the power dynamic between us, how much the old patriachal patterns are still there, letting her explore the personal aspect of female liberation. As a man, I gotta tell you that talk is cheap, I've always paid lip service to equal rights, but this journey has pushed me to realize how much I still had a sense of entitlement to many of the old roles. And giving up my own ejaculation during sex sure gets a mans attention!

Thank you

for taking the time to write. I can relate to feeling entitled and thanks for the insights on patriarchy. 'Tho we're not in the same boat, mine looks a lot like yours.
Best Wishes