Hi, I'm new here.
I am a 27-year-old male. I have suffering for a while now. I was strongly addicted to porn for years and I think I'm paying dearly for it. I have some questions about rebooting in relationships, Karezza, and about how attraction (or lack thereof) plays into all this. All help would be appreciated!
I have been with my loving, loyal, sweet, charming, understanding girlfriend for over two years now. We have lived together for over half that time, and have traveled the world together. I love her. Unfortunately, I don't find her that attractive.
I have been looking at porn for 17 years now. When I entered the relationship with her, I knew immediately that she wasn't that attractive to me (other guys have certainly been interested in her, but not in terms of relationship. On the other hand, I consider her marriage material). I chose her because she was perfect for me as a future wife and mother of my kids.) She has a sweet body, but nothing as sexual as the girls I have seen from her native country and on the Italian beaches here.
When I met her, I said that though she's not the most attractive, I would love her and my porn on the side. That was the worst mistake I could have made. But I didn't know about addiction and all that. So my habit spiraled completely out of control, especially under stress. I developed HOCD and my depression came back after a few good years.
I am in despair. I love her. I don't know what's happening in my brain anymore. 10 days before I left the States (5 weeks ago), I completely gave up porn and masturbation. I haven't done it since. I have been in therapy for HOCD for two months now (at a premier HOCD clinic), but not for the last month because I have been abroad. I have had sex with her about every two to three days just to limit myself. It's hard not to on a romantic Italian vacation. But I'm suffering. Here are my questions. I don't know what you can answer from just the Internet, but I'd love to hear experiences about how attractions/romance play into rebooting. One last thing - I have attempted Karezza with her every now and then, but it doesn't always work. Either she gets so excited that it ruins the reboot or I get carried away. When we have done it, we do feel close to each other, but the next day I'm spiking over the relationship and I'm craving every hot girl on the beach, like a total creep/perv. I just want to have a beautiful romantic and loving life! Why would I take her to the most gorgeous parts of Italy otherwise?
Here are my questions:
- I don't know if the reason I'm not so in love with my baby is because the dopamine is telling me to go for the hottest stuff out there? Is it possible to have a happy relationship without being with the sexiest girl (though other guys clearly have considered her attractive)?
- Have you guys/gals discovered a previously hidden attraction to your significant other upon rebooting and ridding your mind of that 2-D life-waster? I would hate to lose the perfect girl over something I consider to be shallow (or is it not? are looks/sexiness really that important?)
- Do you consider it possible for a loving/healthy emotional relationship to supercede some cravings for these hotter women? Do you think this which may be caused by my pornographically-addicted mind? Do you think that if we're happier together (upon my recovery) that we will naturally find each other to be sexier (due to good emotional health)?
Sorry for writing such a long post. Please help! Your experiences are greatly valued. I hate to keep her waiting while I go through this reboot (and goodness know if I'll even succeed 60-90 days). She says there is no way she will leave me and that she will rescue this relationship the way I have rescued it in the past, but I would hate to keep lying to her if that is what I am doing. I feel so bad about all this. I hope it's just the dopamine playing games with me. What do you all think?