DISCLAIMER: I don't have any PhD.and I am no Expert. Everything I share is according to my personal experiences and views.
Some are from what I have read/heard and how I interpret the information.
I am a Porn and Masturbation addict. I know when it started, I know how I started but what I didn't know was WHY it started.
Masturbation was the first thing I tried. Back when I was doing it, I didn't have a word for it. I first discovered clitoris stimulation when I was sexually molested by my relative (as I said on my first blog) - but it didn't feel right. My first pleasurable clitoris stimulation was when I was around 11 years old. Like i said, I didn't have a word for it. Its discovery of great pleasure was when once I sat astride on the pillow that it hit my clitoris. I didn't know clitoris or masturbation. What I did know was it felt good. It was like a great wave of electricity centered on my vaginal area. I enjoyed it and explored ways of pillow fucking. When I have the privacy to do it, I would do it. I never got satisfied. I'd explore more of ways in that pillow fucking.
When I was a teenager, I heard the term FF (Finger Fuck). My curiosity spiked, so I went online to learn what it is. And with one word, a lot of porn websites popped on the screen. I viewed masturbation videos and trying to copycat the acts. At first it wasn't that amazing, I didn't know where to touch, and how to touch it. Finger penetration was eeky (in my mind) , even if I was already wet. The act then was making me guilty and I saw myself dirty. I was finding a way to make it pleasurable, exploring right spots. It was my guilty pleasure. There were times I would do it twice to 3 times a day. Sometimes I won't do it for a few weeks to months. I usually stop myself from doing it because when I'm in so much heat, I'd do it almost every day, that I feel so guilty and sinful.
All the way through college, and my professional life, I will once in a while masturbate. I'd prefer the clitoral stimulation more than finger fuck but I made some varieties as to how to do it. I will feel great reaching orgasms. I'd feel good. And when satisfaction is at hand, I will feel guilty.
When I had my professional work, I was able to own a laptop. I began to watch porn. I enjoyed everything I watch and I'd get extremely wet and aroused. I could spend an entire night watching and getting wet. I also touch myself while watching, imagining it was me who was being fucked. I could do watch it everyday. Any time I can watch I would. I would spend hours of my internet time watching it.
Then I started going on cybersex. At first everything was just chat sex. I'd get aroused with just that. Then when I got used to the chat sex, I began to watch guys masturbating. It excited me more. Then there was an online friend that encouraged me to try masturbating on cam, I started it. We were masturbating while watching each other. It was great, and we'd do it on a weekly basis. We were exclusively doing that. I can't do it with anyone online but only with that online friend. He was making me feel good about myself, that I'd capitalize on his accepting and wanting behavior that made me unabashed about showing off to him. Just hearing him moan would make me so aroused, and I'd do the same for him.
I'd change my pleasuring strategies from masturbating to watching porn, to cybersex. Sometimes I'd do them altogether. Sometimes on different occasions. I was a slave of my personal wants of pleasure.
WHAT IS IT'S RELATIONSHIP TO ANXIETY?
I suffered depression (not clinically diagnosed) to it's maximum when everything fell apart. I didn't got the job I wanted, I had my recent breakup, my savings went down the drain, a few friendship went bad. My aunt noticed that I was getting worse by the day. My daily activity then was just eat , sleep and isolate myself. At times, I'd go online just to have cybersex with random people I chat with. I even go to masturbating in front of the cam while watching the guy on the other end masturbating. It was a cycle.
My aunt talked to me and asked me why I was depressing. She sensed the negative energies I expelled. I underwent an informal emotional psychotherapy (she was my therapist). We just dug into my childhood insecurities. And with that, she gave me the independence to explore myself emotionally. And during this exploration, I found out that I am afraid of rejection. And when I feel rejected, my anxiety gets uncontrolled. And to relieve myself from anxiety, I'd masturbate to feel good about myself. After the pleasure, I'd feel guilty, feel unaccepted again and the cycle goes on like that. There are also incidents wherein I'd feel unwanted, and I'd go to my guilty pleasure and masturbate.
I was ruled over by my anxiety that I resort to masturbation every time I encounter things that makes me anxious. When I feel bored I masturbate. When I feel I need something out of my routine, I masturbate. Sometimes of an unknown reason, I just wake up and masturbate in the middle of the night. When I feel like I want some masturbation I would watch porn. Or I would chat with my online friend and we'd do cybersex for hours. I came to a point when I became dependent on my guilty pleasures. All I feel is that they are the only good and happy moments in my life. Anything else that I experience is not good. I became negative about everything that does not involve my addiction.
It took me a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to say to myself STOP IT! I would have months of latency. That too became part of the cycle.
Latency - Anxiety - Masturbation - Guilt then back to Latency
At present, I admit I still masturbate, but the intensity and my need is not that too much already. I still have feelings of rejections when depression arises. I now watch romantic porn compared to before random porn that are sometimes expressive of lust , not love. I now enjoy romantic porn, and I masturbate with love for myself and not as a means of releasing anxieties. I am slowly getting rid of my negative feelings towards myself. I starting to want and accept myself in order for my anxiety not to affect me.
I am changing my view in life now. Thinking positive. Counting the blessings. Appreciation of the good things, and not be negative on the bad moments. I accept bad moments as part of life with lessons to learn for growth. I still relapse and still think negative, but I make the effort to see it on another light. I remind myself that everything I experience GOOD or BAD, are part of my growth.
Our addiction, may it be in SEX, MASTURBATION, PORN or even GAMBLING is our way to feel good about ourselves. When our anxieties controls us, we become slaves of our pleasuring. The cycle goes on and on, unless we make a conscious effort to STOP.
Our CONSCIOUS EFFORT is our first step to a newer US. It is not an overnight process, but with our willingness to make our lives and our world better. It is difficult, we can get frustrated, we can relapse any time. I had a lot of relapses. Going back to square ONE. But as I dug deeper, and knowing what I wanted, I am again on my way to Recovery and hopefully will be a success. I know I will be successful in my Recovery Stage. It might take time, but I will be patient with myself.
Our RECOVERY starts with OUR CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO STOP
Followed by LOVE and ACCEPTANCE of OURSELVES
Everything else will follow