Day 37

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Today ties my reboot record. Most of the day I've felt very stable. When my mind goes sexual, the brain worms begin. I find my girl unattractive and all sorts of BS. Also, in reflection, I realize how much of a struggle this has been mentally. How many brain worms there are. Easier days like today make this more apparent.

I started to read CPA. It's kind of beginning to sink in, all this karezza stuff. I'm beginning to see the utility of it. I'm going to keep exploring. I also know that a lot of it is my negative thinking about my girl, and if I just bask in love with her, both physical and emotional, things have more of a shot of being ok, as opposed to picking her flaws apart. My therapist says I should look at those things as the things that make her endearing. I've always been kind of afraid of that. So maybe with the reboot as anxiety and other junk clears up, it will be easier to go to those loving places.

On day 38, I will enter unchartered waters. I understand the possibility of a relapse. I also know how useful it is to not go to those negative places. I have a tendency to self-destruct when I'm achieving, especially things I've never done before. It's the fear that if I've done things well in the past, I should stay in that comfort zone. The self-destruction is a way to bring me back to that comfort zone. I will try to be gentle with myself in the process, while pushing myself along at the same time and trying to stay good to what I set out to do. This is very hard. Please support me guys.



I think you're very brave

Consider yourself supported.

If it makes you feel any better, I sometimes had a similar reaction to conventional sex. It made me want to bolt from my relationships when the bad feelings built up. I, too, had no trouble finding "reasons" which seemed sound to me at the time.

Curiously, within weeks after bolting I'd see my former partner clearly again and realize I had let my mating programming jerk me around...again. That's why I tell you  not to rush. There will be time to move on later once you have done your very best to harvest what you can with bonding behaviors and karezza. It'll strengthen you both...whether you both ultimately stick together or move on.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think you will regret making this experiment...whatever comes of it.

Thanks for the support

I hope it works out. I really love this girl. I hate the brain worms that get in the way. I hope my brain really clears up upon rebooting and things fall into place. I'm sure the experiment will be very good for me, one way or another. My hope is that it works between us.