2012 has been the year of the paradigm shift for me. Maybe it was the Venus transition. Or maybe that's all horse sh*t. Either way, I'll spare everyone further back story and get right to the point of my post.
I recently stumbled upon a website focused on "Men's Work" and read a phrase that triggered me. "It’s true that men are wired to seek variety. The mind says we need a fresh partner..."
In that moment I realized that this is probably to the core of the things that have caused my spiritual upheaval this year. This entire idea (based on fairly new and barely explored neuroscience - not to mention the way our society caters to and exploits this concept) has caused me to lose faith in genuine, lasting love and attraction. It makes me feel like no matter what I do - no matter how sweet, pretty, affectionate, sexually open, etc. I am - that my partner will ALWAYS be on the look out and at the ready for something more, better, different. How is this love? And so I've sought to prove that this idea was not true because (in my silly romantic girl delusions) I still believe that love is true. And anything that isn't love can't be true.
I am not naturally insecure and I do not have a repressed sexuality. I know that women have their own version of variety seeking. But I believe all of that seeking (by both sexes) is about the search for true intimacy and can successfully be directed to one person for life. And if not, where is the hope for real love in such a reality? How can a woman believe her man loves her when he is looking at and desiring others as part of his "masculine" makeup? Why should we bother opening up, being vulnerable, and risking immense pain with this reality in our faces?
Yes, I know the evolutionary ideas behind the variety theory. I get that our genes have their own agenda. I get it and I don't buy it based on the absolute fact that we are not monkeys and that our neocortex is far too evolved and complex for us to be relegated to just animals. Every one of you reading this right now knows that you are more than an animal. You feel it just like I do. Besides, how has being "just animals" and forgetting about the vastness of our spiritual/soul/consciousness landscape gotten us so far?
I know I'm not the only woman who feels this way. Women talk. A lot. As I'm sure you all know. And most of us have simply learned to accept the boyish nature of our men and go on with our lives - shutting the poor guys out along the way. We get complacent in relationships as easily as men do. We focus on our careers, kids, friends, shopping, books, movies, tv shows, hot celebrities, fixing up our homes, etc. - all in an effort to distract us from the real problems in our relationships and our lack of love. But complacency leads to dissatisfaction, dead sex lives, and divorce. I'm not willing to let that happen. Everything I've done, read, researched, studied - every tear shed, every sleepless night, every ounce of pain and confusion up to this point has been about me taking some action to avoid that fate.
Because I still believe in love,
Btw, I don't think this falls under any of the three topics I can choose from so I will just pick Karezza as a default.