I'm 42M (average libido) and my SO 41F (low libido) of 17 years have suffered from "dead bedroom" off and on throughout our relationship. Sex has always been something she can happily take or leave. She rarely says no if I ask, but by the same token because sex isn't on her radar at all she rarely makes any effort in terms of her appearance or receptivity to or making time in her life for sex, and because I know she doesn't desire it (or me), I've long given up asking (after all it's nice to be wanted). She never wears make-up or jewellery (admittedly something I liked about her when we first got together in our 20s). She never wears anything sexy (although even at 41 she still has a great figure) despite my saying repeatedly that I like it when she makes the effort.
Recently I discovered YourBrainOnPorn.com and the NoFap movement, and although I don't think I have a porn addiction as such, I could see how porn may be distorting my expectations in the bedroom, so I am in the middle of a reboot (about 40 days PMO free). At the same time I discovered karezza, read Cupid's Poison Arrow, got hooked, and thought it might be something my SO and I could try in order to address our issues in the bedroom. She has been really supportive of the idea and we've been having semi-regular karezza sex for a few weeks now, with varying results. The bonding behaviours we've let slide a little but we're both committed to making them part of our relationship. I'm really trying to change what I can about me, and she's at least giving the karezza a go (although she hasn't yet read Cupid).
But the problem I have is that for her sex is just "funny" ... even karezza sex it seems - everything is hilarious. Whereas for me I was hoping karezza would lead to deeper connectedness, so I find her expression of sexual hilarity really off-putting - a barrier to deeper connection. I've told her this and she said that's just the way she is.
When it comes to sex/intimacy/connection we seem to be irreconcilably incompatible which sucks because everything else about our relationship has always been really good.
I have recurring thoughts of ending the relationship and trying my best to find a compatible sexual partner while I still can. Is that selfish? Am I expecting too much? Can "funny" (in a really muppety oddball way) be "sexy" as well? How does that fit in the context of karezza?Maybe I'm just too serious. I'm still willing to stick with karezza for a while longer but part of me realises she's never going to want what I want in the bedroom ... nor does there seem to be a happy compromise on the horizon.
Any advice appreciated as we're really trying to make this work ...