2 1/2 weeks and I relapse from an awful dream

Submitted by Hockeygod28 on
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I dont know what just happened. I am trying not to get frustrated but I was in such a good mindset going into this. 2 and a half weeks down and I relapsed last night. Its in the middle of exam week for me and I feel more depressed than before. Trying to study while not masturbating/porn and giving up weed is a challenge but I thought I could do it. It was going pretty well I mean i didnt see any changes but that was only because it was 2 and a half weeks. Anyways my HOCD was at an all time high, it was spinning all the time in my brain and I literally couldnt study. I still have to deal with it here but ive been doing an insane amount of adderall to take my mind off of things but its really not working. I couldnt fall asleep last night and when I did I woke up in the middle of the night slightly aroused and somewhat of an erection due to the dream/nightmare I was having. In this dream I was hugging my friend at home butt naked and he was too, I woke up screaming what the fuck what the fuck, it still gives me a spike when I think about it now. I guess this is normal with my background of escalating to gay porn and all but its been such a long time since ive actually been aroused by that stuff. Anyways I checked what was going on down there and just by grabbing my penis I ejaculated a little. Then came the self doubting and crap again but WHY for the love of god, I was doing everything right this time and I cant get past two and a half weeks!!!! I keep looking for reasons as to why this occured but I dont need too I just need to keep on pushing through, Just wish they wouldnt come in my god dam sleep anymore. I was doing such a good job with the HOCD keeping it controlled and not letting it spiral out of control like I used too. I guess just need to get back on the horse and do it all over again. In line with this awful dream I had there was even bestiality that came into play, it was a very disturbing and uncomfortable night as those thoughts in my dreams aroused me as well, its disgusting but theres no point in dwelling in it right? Just move on and keep pushing away at this, its my only hope.


Coming home

First of all Merry Christmas too everyone and a happy new year!

Finally done all my exams and even though it was stressful and I was having some bad days it's like nothing is worse then coming home. I thought my Intrusive thoughts we're bad during exams, since being at home it's just gone up. I have some family issues, it's complicated but I don't like my dad at all, I think of him as a huge bully, he was abusive and terrible to be around as a kid. I know this kinda stuff isn't targeted for this site but it's the only way to explain. Anyways he has gotten better at not being so negative and even if he tried to be abusive I wouldn't let him as I am now bigger than him. But for years and still to this day I've been trying to get over the fact of why he did all of this I put a lot of blame on myself when it's really him and his past, I was very depressed as a young kid and almost tried to commit suicide. I felt alone all the time and it lead me to using porn more frequently as it was almost like a "safe zone." Just kept on going on and on and loved the attraction to the thrill of new genres of porn and got into literally everything. Anyways I just don't feel comfortable at home, all this stuff happened here all my truly dark days all my reasons why I'm on this site and I thought I could handle it at first as it had been a long time ago but everywhere I go in my house it's like there's flashbacks of me as a young kid doing all this weird shit that came from my heavy porn use. Thank god we're leaving tomorrow for a road trip to visit family 15 hours away, My heads going to explode from all this self doubt in myself. It's like my confident approach at this reboot just dissolved as soon as I came home. The one thing I have going for me that I believe will help is that I plan on sitting down with my dad sometime during this break before I go back to school to talk about how I feel about him and how I've felt all these years even the suicide part. I don't care if he doesn't say sorry or tune me out I just need him to hear it. I have to do this for myself, I have to get past this part in my life, I'm tired of being scared of him. I've always wanted to tell him I just have been so scared as to what he was going to say. This lingering fear and hatred of him has lowered my self confidence in myself in so many situations and I feel like if I do this a huge weight will have been lifted off me and I can start believing in myself more. He constantly put me down and I didn't realize until lately how much that has affected me in my head mentally, I always put myself down and beat myself up for small errors and it only made things worse. I'm done with that me and I'm ready to move on. Wow that felt great writing all of that.

Hope you get some closure

As you say, you were probably a victim of a victim. Usually, when you hear someone's whole story, you understand why they are the way they are - and why they didn't do a better job. 

Hope you enjoy your trip.

Remember, stress always increases pressure to relapse, so if home is stressful, or exams are stressful, your urges will shoot up. This is explained on this page. Maybe take some time and try to understand what's going on in your brain. It can make you less reactive, since you will realizing the powerful feelings aren't "you."

What does withdrawal from porn addiction look like? | Your Brain On Porn


2 Weeks - Ups and Downs of a Roller Coaster

I really enjoyed my trip, it was very emotional confronting my father about my childhood and how he hurt me but I felt stronger afterwords just getting it off my chest. I felt amazing for the next few days, no negative thoughts could bother me as I was living on cloud nine. I started reading "How the Brain Works" by Norman Doidge and WOW what a great read. It just reassures me how much of an issue this topic is nowadays and no one seems to really care or believe in it. He brings up so many great points and everything just seems to make sense, I feel so much better off now that I have read the book because I have somewhat of a basis of how this reboot is actually occuring. I was very eager to get to the porn addict section of the book because I was looking for some unknown answer for some reason and when I got there, yes it was quite interesting but for some reason it didnt satisfy me. It was like I was looking for something or maybe looking for him to relate to my exact situation which is totally ridiculous. Anyways I put the book down for a few days but now ive stared to pick it up again so I can finish it. These past few days have been very tough, caught a cold or flu, maybe its that im heading back to school but my motivation has somehow decreased and my defences are down. Now im listening and succumbing to the hocd and any negative thoughts pushing me down for some reason, just keep telling myself to stick to my gameplan and well get through this. From past experience from rebooting I know this happened last time and I just need to wait it out and hurdle over it trying to keep as positive as possible. Its the period where my libido is extremely low so that my mind starts playing tricks because im not seeing certain things attractive that I want too that its messing with me and telling me something I dont wanna hear. Just gotta see through it for what it is and know theres a brighter side in the end. I didnt realize how important keeping up to date with my blogging is. It really helps you reflect on what has happened and see your progress more clearly. Wish me luck!

Glad you liked that book

We found it just before mine went to press and we were thrilled that he was saying a lot of the same kinds of things.

However, HOCD is quite common among guys who started on highspeed porn. I think it's gonna turn out to be related to the ease with which users can overstimulate their brains...thereby numbing themselve to pleasure and leaving them open to finding kinkier stuff to get off to...until they scare themselves and then get the extra kick from the anxiety itself. (Anxiety increases sexual arousal.)

Read this guy's story. It's short. http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/i-dont-have-strange-unwanted-fetishes-any...

You just have to stay consistent and stop analyzing yourself for a few months.


Thanks for the tips

That guys short story, yet short is a good sign that theres hope so thank you. Wrapping my brain around doing this for 6 months is tricky. I really want to do this but at the same time theres a piece of me wanting to go after girls right now because im in my second year of college. Alot of my friends are beginning to question me as to why I havent had sex yet. It didnt bother me before, because its none of their business but its just starting to eat away at me. I dont care how long it takes to do this and finally be able to love and cherish a girl in my life but theres a couple girls that are in my life now and are slowly drifting away because im afraid of getting close with either of them because im not in a position to do anything sexual besides foreplay. Ill figure it out though I always do. Thanks for the support Marnia, you are a true blessing.

By all means pursue them

Just avoid porn for 6 months, and maybe stay off the masturbation for a while to give your brain a rest from all stimulation...except real partners.

Snuggling is always good. You don't have to rush the sex if you're not feeling it yet. Give you brain time to restore its balance.

Don’t Let Childhood Issues Block Your Progress

AP English in high school we had to read “Anna Karenina”. The first line of the book is “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Tolstoy convinced me that I probably didn’t want to visit Russia if that is the way books start over there. But he was correct; everyone’s burdens are their own so I will not tell you that I understand exactly your issues with your father. I also can’t tell you that I understand your porn addiction either; I am simply not a big porn guy. But I will tell you that I understand personal issues and being bullied.

I was always the tallest kid in elementary school and about the skinniest too. In first grade I was nearly the height of your average sixth grader. Any sixth grade boy who felt he needed to pound on someone picked on me. Usually it was the smallest fifth or sixth grader that did it because they couldn’t beat up anyone else. No matter how tall you are, even the smallest 12 year old kid can beat you up if you are only 6 years old. For the next two years I was a punching bag, why not they weren’t picking on a “smaller” kid just a younger one. My parents sent the oldest of my younger brothers and me to a mixed martial arts class; I was about 8 and my brother about 6. The first day they paired us up with other kids. I was matched with a pretty 6 year old girl with a pony tail, my brother’s first crush. For the next hour I was thrown on the mat. The girl was very nice about it though; she smiled every time she helped me back up so that she could dump me on my ass again. On the way home my dad asked us how the class was. I told him, “Great, now I get to have a 6 year old girl kick the shit out of me.” And yes I did swear at 8 years old, that sort of happens when you are frustrated and pounded on by older kids.

Things did get better after a few weeks; I really enjoyed dumping other kids on their ass, it’s sort of empowering. Eventually my youngest brother would go there with us also. It really became fun and we continued to go until other activities interfered for each of us. At school it didn’t take but a couple of times before I was no longer a target for some little Napoleonic asshole. Students from the martial arts school could have all easily become the bullies instead of the bullied, but no one did. Besides learning self defense and even offensive fighting we all learned self control. We were taught when to fight and when not to and when to forgive our opponent. When you have inner strength you can show compassion.

Now more to your issue, you said that you confronted your father recently about his past behavior towards you. My guess is that he may not have seen the situation the same way you did. People who act out like your father did don’t normally have instant clarity when confronted. On your part that was a really good first step by telling him how you feel. What I ask you to do now, for your own sake, is to forgive him. Bullies are by nature unfair and mean but by forgiving you will be fair and just. I can’t guarantee that it will fix your father or your relationship with him, most likely not but you can always hope. But what it will fix is you, it will release the resentment, the anger, it will give you clarity and strength. You talk about stress and self doubt and all of the negative things you have done to cope with those feelings. How can you deal with those negative emotions positively instead of what you have done in the past? By forgiving and not letting what happen to you as a child define you as a person. The only reason I went to the martial arts class was so that I could go back to school and kick the living shit out of someone—that never happened. What I learned in martial arts was how to handle the situation as a whole, not just physically. Being in elementary school I didn’t understand the depth of what we were taught until maybe high school and now in college. What I did understand then was that until I let go of my anger and frustration I would have the same bad attitude that the bullies did. That bad attitude left me open to make mistakes which would cause me to lose.

The concept of forgiveness is a hard thing when you are still hurt and angry. But you took the first step; you owned your feelings and expressed them to your father. You felt better because of it. Now take the next step; forgive him and yourself. You will feel the rest of that weight come off as soon as you truly give and accept forgiveness.

Let us know how you are doing on that forgiveness, especially forgiveness toward yourself.

5 weeks

I am finally able to see little glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel. Getting into a workout schedule has really helped. After three straight days of running and going to the gym my mind was suddenly getting so much clearer, no more headaches no more voices in my head. I had a great weekend going out and maybe partied too much but I was at least enjoying it and at that point was happy that ive at least come that far. This week havent kept up with working out as much and im changing that right now. I have realized that it does matter so much with changing your attitude and your old habits. Staying at home and watching movies/ doing homework locked up in ur room doesnt help at all. Im going to keep working at it but I am happy that I can see progress. Old nagging thoughts were reoccuring this week but thats the process its not magically all going to wipe away at once. Old habits will leave through a long process and im dedicated. All I can say is that im happy that all of this is paying off and im not stopping anytime soon.