I'm posting on this forum because I'm in desperate need of help and I don't know where else to turn to. First things first, I have a SEVERE addiction to pornography and this comes into play later on. I'm an 18 year old male who is also a virgin and up until a year ago almost, I had never had any sort of sexual interest in males, it was always the females who I had dated. I'm also a very lonely person since I live with my grandparents in a rural suburb, I'm unemployed and for the past year since graduating high school in May of 2013, I've spent and continue to spend most of if not all of my time on the computer in my bedroom doing school work and generally not being social since all of my friends are gone.
This whole thing started around October of last year when I had a rough break up with one of my ex-gfs, I began to question my sexuality and shortly afterwards, I was talking to a male friend of mine and he sent me a photo of his six pack, I immediately thought ''Wow, he looks really good'' and the flood gates sort of opened after that since I began to wonder whether or not the thought was sexual in nature and whether that meant I was gay. A few months later, I was completely paranoid so I asked my older sister for advice, she told me that I should watch gay pornography to see if I was into it and that would mean for sure that I was gay.
Since I had been an avid watcher of pornography for the better half of 8 years at that point and I didn't seem to notice that straight porn no longer did it for me, I was WAY turned on by the gay porn and I thought it meant for sure that I was gay/bisexual. So for the next few months, I began to identify as bisexual, albeit unwillingly and even created a dating profile and began to date a few guys in online relationships. While I was emotionally satisfied, something just didn't feel right to me and I just didn't feel comfortable at all so I eventually broke it off with both of the guys I had dated because I realized I had a desire to be with girls.
This was back in May of this year and shortly thereafter, I began to read up on HOCD and the effects of porn addiction on the brain since I was constantly watching any type of porn to deal with the stress of the online college I had enrolled in. It made sense to me so I began trying to quit the porn and ever since I've been struggling to quit. Now I notice that at times, I kind of flip flop back and forth between the porn I watch and sometimes I go on a full on porn binge which leaves me feeling completely numb and without a desire for anyone. By flip flopping, I mean like sometimes I just get a strong overwhelming urge to watch a certain type of porn or my mind begins replaying the clips in my head. Sometimes its straight porn, other times its gay porn and even as I write the word gay porn, a part of me feels that same rush and hint of pleasure I typically feel after I watch it. Afterwards, I feel satisfied and calm if not for a few minutes, it never lasts that long at all almost like getting high. After I began trying to quit, the thoughts subsided and I thought they were gone for good. I think a large part of that was just me accepting the possibility that I could be gay and just learning to live with it.
Now, I have a girlfriend whom I'm totally in love with, hell this past Saturday, we had our first date and we got really intense although we didn't have sex. It was the hottest thing I've ever done and I really enjoyed it . . . . . . . . but the thing is, I didn't feel any kind of emotion during it, like my mind was completely blank and I didn't have to think to do any of the things we did, like I just did it and there was nothing to it, like something had just come over me and it all felt so natural and it was really hot on top of that, I literally messed my shorts up because of it XD. Afterwards though, the stress of a new semester at college got to me and I made the mistake of completely binging on pornography, anything I could get my hands for the week prior to our first date and the week afterwards. So during a casual talk with my girlfriend, she asked me if I was gay because I had openly told her about the struggles I had had in the past with my sexuality and suddenly the thoughts, anxiety and worry that had once plagued me came back to me. For some reason now, these thoughts really bother me because I have a girlfriend and I'm afraid that if I was to discover I was gay, I would lose just about everything which I haven't lost already. I think because I realized that this is in my head or at least I think this is in my head that it doesn't bother me anywhere near as much as it did when it first began but nonetheless its still a horrific thing to go through. In addition, a part of me just feels like I like watching porn, that nothing else matters and that all of this talk of HOCD and all this other stuff is bull**** because I don't have a problem with it, I just like watching porn and that nothing else matters. I know I sound completely nuts right now but I know this is only a sign of how much deeper I've gotten into this mess because I didn't have those kind of thoughts before where one side of my mind tried to justify this whole thing because I enjoyed watching porn.
These thoughts are like a little voice in my head telling me all the time that I'm gay or bisexual. To give you an example, If I say I have a girlfriend, this voice will literally say I have a boyfriend and I have to eventually tell my girlfriend that I'm gay and she'll leave me for good. If I try to bring up the fact that during our date, I was completely turned on, it'll say thats a typical response to stimulation of any kind and that I'm gay regardless. It'll say that even gay guys are turned on by girls at first until they realize it and that I need to come to terms with who I am. It literally will say stuff like that to me ! if I ask myself am I gay or bisexual, it'll say I'm gay and in denial. This voice and these thoughts only seem to go away whenever I present a logical argument to it or I reassure myself I'm not gay or bisexual. Deep down though, this really worries me though because I don't know whether these thoughts are real or whether they are just a figment of my own imagination, it really frightens me and I don't know what to believe anymore since I don't really feel attracted to anyone as of right now because of the porn binge. I mean I love my girlfriend and everything and I want to be with her but I can't be with her if I have this in my mind. I'm also very afraid that when I get a response to this post that someone will tell me that I am gay or bisexual and that I have to come to terms with it. I can't even answer that question anymore because I don't know whats real and whats fake anymore. Am I a gay or bisexual guy in denial of his sexuality or am I stressing out over HOCD ?