Here are the current dilemmas in our sex life:
CONVENTIONAL SEX DILEMMA
Normally, on the conventional sex model, when my wife and I are both passionate, my wife is into it, and we both have orgasms, the sex is so much more satiating and AMAZING than any other pleasurable thing that I've experienced in my life! (But maybe Karezza lovemaking will prove to be more so eventually). I love it when we're hot for each other, and I'd hate to give that up. But of course, the sex isn't always amazing. We get stressed, we get busy, we feel rushed, we feel tired, or generally disinterested, so it either doesn't happen at all, or if it does happen under those conditions, my wife isn't that into it and things are over fairly quickly and not-so-passionately. In fact, if I'm honest, I'm not that into it either; I'm just seeking the high of orgasm to get a dopamine fix. Thus, the conventional sex dilemma the past few years has been that we either:
- 1) Wait for the stars to align to have amazing sex (maybe happens every two-three weeks), with all of its accompanying passion cycle fallout and relational ups-and-downs (among other things, this is what led us to seek Karezza); or
2) Intentionally have sex more often, but accept that its intensity will ebb-and-flow with our circumstances and emotional states. Inevitably, I am more interested in sex than my wife, which means I often feel like it is over far too quickly, with a lingering sense of dissatisfaction and frustration, accompanied by a passion-cycle that drives me to seek ejaculation again to feel better (again, this option seems crappy, so we were led to Karezza).
Besides being filling, our sex these days is also strange. I'll say it - this Karezza stuff is weird, and a little awkward. Overall, our experience has been that it is a lot of time-consuming work to put in for some run-of-the-mill, peaceful feelings. So my question is this: if we're gonna do this Karezza thing, do we have to work so hard for it all the time? I seem to get two conflicting messages from the Karezza literature:
- 1) Before having sex, the woman should always be wet and ready, which in our experience means that there must be some substantial (and time-consuming) foreplay. This leads to two results:
- a) If the foreplay gets the woman wet and ready, this means it also gets her horny and passionate, which makes it that much harder to do Karezza. Even if we succeed in not climaxing, we still get a real dopamine rush, which still leads to some of the passion cycle effects.
b) Or, if the foreplay stays mild and not overly passionate, then the woman does not get very wet. Further, on nights when all of the ingredients that I listed above do not align, foreplay can feel very goal-oriented (we must get her into it, or else!). But this undermines the entire purpose. In other words, since the foreplay doesn't 'work' on such occasions, it seems we might as well have skipped the foreplay altogether.
2) But the other message I seem to get, which confuses me more, is that Karezza is easy, relaxed sex with little-to-no passion involved, and should last at least 15-60 minutes with us sexually connected. To make it more confusing, some of the anecdotes I've read are from people who wake up, immediately pop the penis in for 15-30 minutes of relaxed, karezza-style lovemaking (with no foreplay involved), then go about their days. In other words, the message seems to be that lengthy foreplay is NOT necessary. Besides, who has time for such foreplay 3-4 times a week, especially given that instead of 3-5 minutes of thrusting, we're connected for 15-60 minutes? We have two kids and careers to tend to as well!
To summarize: Conventional sex has led to sexual frustration and the craziness of the passion cycle. The sexual frustration stems from either going long periods between passionate lovemaking, or intentionally seeking sex when the passion isn't there and thereby staying stuck in the passion cycle. Karezza has led to sexual frustration, dopamine-induced (without orgasm!) miniature passion cycles, and awkward lovemaking with no ostensible goal of orgasm, but still with the goal of successful foreplay. The sexual frustration from Karezza is on account of : a) not having sex at all and going long periods between lovemaking because of how much time the foreplay/intercourse requires; b) not having sex because the foreplay is 'unsuccessful,' so we simply go to sleep instead of forcing intercourse; c) having sex anyways, despite 'unsuccessful' foreplay, which results in awkward (or perhaps just unfamiliar?) sex that my wife is usually more-than-happy to end; d) having extremely passionate sex that leaves us both wanting more, leading to sexual frustration.
INSERT ADVICE OR MY MISUNDERSTANDING OF FOREPLAY/KAREZZA HERE!
My proposed solution is that we schedule Karezza lovemaking for 3-4 times a week (perhaps every other day) after the nightly exchange. Perhaps the exchange will lead to heightened sexual interest and serve as foreplay, perhaps it won't. It will no longer have an aim, because we have an aim. On nights with planned intercourse, we aim to connect with me inside for 15 minutes, but do so in a relaxed environment, lights off, immediately before bed and not necessarily with extended foreplay beforehand. Because as it is, I'm even beginning to feel like all the foreplay and sex is a chore, albeit an enjoyable one. Maybe on Friday and/or Saturday, we shoot to spend more time with erotic massages and relaxed foreplay, maybe a little wine, and see where things lead us. In all cases, we seek not to get too heated through stimulation and we avoid orgasm. My last orgasm destroyed me emotionally for at least a week, so I'd like to avoid that.