I was reading someone's account here of trying Karezza and it seemed nothing was happening so they switched to "regular" sex.
I can completely relate.
Sparkles, my wife, says she does not feel much of anything "down there" in her vagina when we have intercourse. She is not having orgasms to give this all a chance and just wants me to know she doesn't have the same sensitivity and sensations that I apparently do in my penis.
Now that she's not having orgasms, she doesn't feel any sort of reward when we have intercourse, is what it amounts to. She isn't complaining. She is just being honest, which I love about her. And she is hoping that it changes although she doesn't really expect it to as she doesn't have a lot of expectations in general.
Here's something I've been reading that has a lot to say about this: I have been reading what I now think is the best of the Diana Richardson books, Heart of Tantric Sex.
All her books I've read are good and all have something to recommend them but I think this one has the most golden nuggets of any of them so far.
Perhaps because she is more open about how she got here herself, her own experiences and her own journey.
She talks about this actually. She relates an experience where she tells her lover that she can't feel anything and she begins to cry during intercourse. And something releases and she can feel a lot.
"One of the hardest things for me to admit was that when I stopped being so physically active in lovemaking, I could feel very little in my vagina. I was so used to feeling the pleasures of friction that the finer, more delicate ecstatic function or sensitivity was not yet available to me. I felt that I was dead inside, and it was a ghastly moment when I had to confess to my lover that I could not feel myself, let alone him! With this admission I experienced a tremendous sadness and pain overwhelm me, tears emerged with a great deal of sobbing, and with this release of withheld energy, I suddenly and unexpectedly felt more alive in my vagina. A layer of fear and tension that I had not realized was there had actually lifted off my vaginal tissue. I was alive after all and I burst out laughing!"
I told Sparkles that she will begin to wake up there. I think it's a matter of time, and presence awareness that she (and I) are not so used to.
One thing I'll say is her mood has been very good. My business has had some challenges lately and she has not reacted the way she would have before. I think it is the lack of post-orgasmic fallout, to be honest. And I feel her involvement increasing in our sex life and our connection building up to new levels. She just doesn't seem moody like she used to. Perhaps this will wear off and she'll go back to the mood swings, or perhaps it's the escape from the passion cycle after all, but it's pretty marked.
But that is a little beside the point I'm making here, about her lack of sensation.
I am hoping that she begins to feel more sensation in her vagina and that she begins to have some of the physical and emotional feelings that I have developed recently. I feel the emotional connection definitely increasing. I don't know about the physical sensations.
She jokes that she has a numb vagina.
I guess it's harder for some people than others, and perhaps it's more difficult for women. I don't really know.
There are a few points in this book that have hit home with me.
One, she says to focus on your OWN body and sensations, not your partner's. That is key apparently. Something I'm going to relate to Sparkles and begin practicing myself. I've been much more partner focused and although I've gone inside I haven't focused on that exclusively, which Diana writes is the way to go.
And the other thing she really stresses is to relax. This requires a whole new level of trust and therefore resonates with me.
I have been not exactly edging in our sex but using what I'll call traditional elements of excitement to build and maintain erections. And it doesn't really feel right to me. I tried to write about this in an earlier post but not sure I hit the mark exactly. Something clicked when I read this book though.
I am going to try to completely change to relaxation and see what happens. I think I'll try soft entry and just focusing on relaxation and let the genitals do whatever they might do or not do. It will be fun to see what happens.
I do know that for instance in the morning, us guys will get morning erections that last a long time and we are completely relaxed. So obviously erections can happen when we are relaxed. And Marnia wrote something somewhere, that having an erection is a function of relaxation while orgasm is a function of excitement and tension, something like that.
And a word about an inhibition that I have consciously decided to work through.
I think I am inhibited from experimentation and so is Sparkles. Diana says that when you spot an inhibition like this, or an awkwardness or feeling of shame or inability, that is something to focus on as there is something important here.
I have an inhibition, or awkwardness about different positions.
It may sound stupid that I have had difficulty with this, but I'll share here. This makes me feel ashamed and inadequate but that's all the more reason to share. I've always shied away from different positions besides missionary and cowgirl, afraid I'll lose my erection.
I have found the scissors position difficult to get into. Anyway, I read somewhere that she lays on her back, the man lays on his side, say his left side, and she brings her knees up towards her chest. The man gets his penis aligned with her vagina, with or without entry at that point. She puts her legs down and he puts his right leg between her legs. We'll play with this one and other positions, and to heck with worrying about my erection. I'm kind of tired of that to be honest.
Another thing Diana writes here is that the penis and vagina are really one unit, and that they will play together so to speak, or not. They know what to do together, basically.
I now realize that my shyness and timidity, for instance with regard to different positions, has a lot to do with both of our fears and lack of real present awareness. And it's nobody's fault at all, and something that we can derive some joy in discovering, although this is a supposition and a leap of faith on my part really.
As always, your comments are eagerly sought and I am so glad to have this space to write and have you read. Thank you for that.