Will her sex drive increase?

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Submitted by emerson on
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Sorry if I seem to be repeating myself but this is important and I appreciate your reading and commenting.

We are on post-O day 12 for Sparkles. Definite ripples...she had trouble sleeping and was especially unhappy with my lovie dubbie needy behavior today :)

She said, "you don't understand. I don't have much of a sex drive."

So we discussed. (I have been very upbeat and never shown a trace of frustration if she doesn't want to have sex with me although I am always ready. She admitted this.)

My frustration is that she isn't "there" when we have sex. And never really has been, when I think about it.

I believe that after post-O, if we continue having snuggling and bonding, she will develop much stronger feelings and will be more likely to want to be "there".

She said, what if she doesn't develop stronger feelings? What if she doesn't have much of a libido?

I don't have an answer for that one except, she will.

I've read past posts here from Karezza couples. I know it is common for one or the other in any relationship, Karezza or not, to have a different sex drive.

Her enthusiasm is for nature and stuff like that. She has never had great enthusiasm in our lovemaking.

Our lovemaking in the past:

1. Kiss and hug a bit
2. I give her oral and she has an orgasm.
3. Intercourse and I have an orgasm or if we had sex the day before, I masturbate to orgasm.

It is physically intimate but not really making a connection.

So now I feel very, very different. I have completely different and strong feelings for her. And I am hoping she catches up to some degree.

Darryl has said that I am "over sexed" and she is "under sexed" in a way and I agree. I guess we'll get more in sync as we go. This all takes time. That's what I told her. And I also said, once she's in week 3 post-O it will look different.

But will it really? I'd hate to feel the way I do and have her remain kind of dispassionate and regarding my adoration of her as kind of a nuisance. Just looking for reassurance. I realize nobody knows the answers, but your experience counts for a lot. And hopefully in the future someone else reading my account of my experience will help them make that transition with their partner.



guiding her

This is an excellent suggestion. I also suffer from a similar problem as yours. I found that if I guide her with words and tell her to hug me and how much I want to connect to her she opens up in an amazing way. We did this yesterday and had amazing sex or kerezza. I tried being with her again in the night and she basically fell asleep on me. No connection So it is not always what we want but the guiding defenitely helped.

great point

I am walking a line so that I'm not percieved as or actually pressuring her in any way. But I will try something like this. I sort of have and it seems it can be a good idea. But I really want to avoid pressure...

woman's view

Hi. I'm here with my partner who is rebooting. I don't know if it's any help, but I'm finding my own research into porn, rebooting , love, sex and Karezza is invaluable. I was shocked when I researched porn , and it took some time to adjust to that. Then reading about Orgasm and it's effect on relationships was bemusing. The cuddling and intimacy of karezza is lovely, and it can be done without being turned on, so as far as I can tell it's less pressurized than 'mating sex' I enjoy sex, but now we do karezza, I'm enjoying the lack of a goal to achieve. I'm not sure if your partner has read much on this site so she can participate in the process herself? Anyhow, we've been dealing with it for several weeks now and it still feels unfamiliar. I need to check back and read to remind myself that what we are doing is important and is setting things up for our future.

Rather than saying "will her

Rather than saying "will her sex drive increase" move back one step and say" I'm having difficulty managing my emotions around my wifes sex drive". Instead of looking out, look within and own it. Your looking for a situation outside yourself to manage difficult feelings going on inside you. If her sex drive increases then the anxious feelings you have about it will change. Not so. Real change happens from the inside out not the other way around. This polarity you have running with your wife has taken, I'm sure a long time to ceate, its going to take some time to move. Rule 1, if you want your world to change then change what's going on inside yourself. Your the only person you will ever have control over and I find even that's difficult at times. You are actually holding this in the place you dont want energetically. Whether you say it or not your wife can feel what your feeling and that's not helping. If you want this to change you have to get a handle on your emotions in the area. Emerson, you have got to relax about this!! Chill man.

Drop the subject entirely. Go do some yoga, Tai Chi, or excercising. Channel that built up energy into something constructive. Build a sailboat, take up woodworking, stained glass, blacksmithing. something creative. Spend more time with your male friends. Plan a men only trip, at least a week long. Every year I go on a guys only sailing trip. I cannot begin to tell you how good that is for me as well as my relationship. Really, give your wife the full space you know she needs. As long as she truly loves you this will work itself out, and from the sounds of it she does.

my reply got eaten up

Thanks Darryl! It may seem like I have no life here but I do. I have good male friends and a rich life not centered on my wife at all. But you have a great point and I've absorbed it. I created a new blog post after thinking about it for a few days.


No, I don't think you have no life. I was just suggesting other kinds of things to take your focus off her. Sounds like you have those things in place. I trail run behind my house three days a week. Anything that might have built up a bit is flushed out after a good woods run.

I can't say I had it to your extent, but there was a small amount of 'my interest being greater than hers.' I can relate to what you feel. Well, those days are long gone. Thank god I don't orgasm, or I'd never keep up anymore! I can't promise you this, but I strongly believe that you'll look back on this time and go, "What was I ever worried about?" If you stick to being non-orgasmic, in a year, you'll be more concerned about how to keep up with her desire for you.

thanks again

Your comments have been most helpful Darryl. I have taken them to heart. I read your comment and digested it for a few days. At first I was very resistant to your message. And I questioned that resistance and figured that there must be something to it or I wouldn't be so resistant :)

One thing I may not have mentioned was a full month we just got through with together on a sort of working vacation. We had visitors at times but spent so much time together often just the two of us. That was one thing that worked to my advantage and also probably led me to obsess a bit.

I sort of woke up to all this recently and now we're finding a new way together, my wife and I. If I hadn't discovered this site I think eventually I'd have been terribly unhappy and our marriage might have been over even though we'd been quite happy together.

This isn't "just" about sex. I can see how amazing two people can be together and everything else dissolves away.

I plan to continue being non-orgasmic. I took to this immediately and will work out the bugs in the process over however long it takes. This is such a better way. It's unbelievable to me the world that I'm in right now compared to the world of a few months ago. I had no idea that I could feel this way. And to think that it lasts the rest of my life and doesn't wear off is an indescribable precious gift.