110 days... nada. Help please.

Submitted by robinhood23 on
Printer-friendly version

Hi everybody.

So I am at 110 days no P. I was no MO until I masturbated at day 80, day 90, day 100 and day 109, all without P of course. The problem is, I am still in a flatline I think. I don't know. I am 23. I have had 3 girlfriends who I have had sex with in the past. I have had plenty of sex, but ED has always been sporatic. I guess some might say it is performance anxiety, but I have had a TON of sex in my life, I know what I am doing when I do get going, so I don't know why I don't care for it now, I hardly even think about it. I haven't had sex in 2 years now, which is why I began the reboot, to get the ball rolling again. I feel like this reboot has made me even more confused with what I want, and this lack of sex drive is driving me nuts. I hardly feel like a man. I rarely get erections, if I do MO, it takes forever to get hard. I haven't had a natural rock hard erection since my P days. Sometimes I just stop at half mast because I feel like an idiot. I have no problems getting girls, but what is the point if I can't even get hard on my own? I am good looking, I am in great shape, I workout 6 or so hours a week, I am competitive and I am a great athlete. I am smart, I have no problems speaking in front of people, even thousands of people, taking the lead in any group, and setting and attaining goals. Other than my sexuality, my life is fantastic. I can make out with girls and get frisky but I always feel like i'm just going through the motions. I just feel like it's a what guys do. Things just don't start flowing, not like when I was a teenager. I remember making out with girls in high school for hours at a time and not getting bored. Going down on my girlfriends and enjoying every second of it, not anymore. I am not really sexually attracted to the girls I meet and flirt with, any girl at that. I have no confidence in my dick. I am certainly not gay, I always watched straight porn and I love the female body. Now that it has been 110 days I don't miss the porn, I never did, I just wonder what the hell is going on. I almost want to watch P without the MO, just to see if my sexual juices are still routed. I want to feel horny, whether or not it is with a real girl is beginning to not matter.

My only thought is that I started with P from the beginning. Maybe I seriously do not have a handle on my sexual-ness. Maybe my sexuality is still porn based, in which case how do I change it? My whole outlook on sex is depressing right now. Do I just wait it out? Does this reboot take years?

I have partied pretty hard these last 3 or so years, mostly i think to keep my mind off of my inadequacies. About 6 months ago I stopped binge drinking, smoking weed, and took most of the partying away from my life. I even moved 400 miles away from my old life last year to start fresh and get away from a life I no longer liked.

During my reboot I had a few super horny days, maybe 3 or 4, that's it. It was a good opportunity to get to know myself and reconnect with the things I really liked to do, but now I miss women and sex and my libido. Life is pretty dull without sex, I mean it's pretty much the only biological reason we are here...



Not sure what to say. It seems unlikely that it could be performance anxiety, because you have erectile problems during masturbation.

Are you saying that you had no libido long before you started rebooting? If that is so, did it feel the same as the current flatline?

Before your reboot were you able to get erections with porn?

What age did you start porn?

The obvious question – have you seen a urologist and had blood work done?

Yes, it could take longer than 110 days.

You will have to decide if you want to do porn to see what happens.

I've had bloodwork done,

I've had bloodwork done, everything came back normal. I went to another doctor who prescribed me Viagra (I couldn't afford it at $500/20 pills, I was distraught, found YBOP). Pills seemed like a band aid to me. I didn't have much of a libido before the reboot, I had always looked at porn with the whole "use it or lose it" attitude, but only PMO about 3-4X/week. The main difference being I had random erections and occasional intense sexual desire every couple weeks (libido?) before the reboot, and morning wood just about every morning. Don't get me wrong, the reboot has had some amazing effects. I had slowly developed a skewed view on women and the world while in porn-land. I feel like I see life much clearer now, and I am very happy I went through it. I had objectified women and developed a "use them" sort of attitude, instead of actually connecting with them. I don't like how porn made me feel or act, but quitting wasn't hard. I originally thought I had copulary ED (Because I would get an erection that would fade even with a long term, comfortable partner). Now I don't know. I am only posting 110 days in because I started dating a girl, we haven't had sex as everything seems forced to me. I don't really enjoy making out with her or getting frisky. It didn't used to be like this in the past, I used to get butterflies and get excited and even though my erection would fade often, it would be there with the kissing. I started porn pretty early, but videos didn't come into the picture until 15 years old or so, and the "bad" porn didn't start until a couple years ago.

Another possible explanation I am considering is that my mother was catholic and masturbation/premarital sex was strongly discouraged during my upbringing, resulting in sex being associated with shame... but it didn't stop me from watching porn or having sex (at age 17). Maybe there are some deeper underlying psychological issues here that need to be addressed. What confuses me about this is that: a. my parents know about my reboot and porn use, i'm not hiding anything or ashamed of who I am b. I've had sex many times with different partners and been very happy and guilt free about it, never once remember feeling bad before, during or after c. I am not religious (i'm atheist), so my conscious doesn't answer to a higher power.

I watched porn throughout all my relationships, and I blame porn for me ending a couple of them (I enjoyed porn more than sex with my last partner, porn was fun and dopamine hits were awesome, regular vanilla sex was... ehh) which is why I NOW never want to be a porn guy again, so on to my next theory: porn was my sex ed and my instruction manual to sex (and unfortunately intimacy) and it has been with me since I was 14 or so. Now that it is gone, my mind and body might just be free floating around waiting for real intimacy to fill the void, but when I kiss the girl I am dating, or touch her, or anything sexual I don't get any sort of feeling. Maybe she is just not the girl to push my buttons... but she is nice and pretty and I don't want a porn-star like girlfriend, this girl SHOULD do just fine.

Perhaps I just need more time, Should I stop MOing? I waited 80 days before even trying... and I only used sensation, but it took a long time to get into the mood and I could easily have O'd without being totally hard. I tried doing it in the shower also but stopped after achieving about 60% in 5 min or so. I was really turned on and could feel surges of energy and pleasure going through my body but my penis refused to get fully erect.

Basically, if I lay down and masturbate very slowly (no P of course) and lightly I can eventually get an erection, and my penis is sensitive, and I could have sex with that erection, but it takes like 10 minutes, and I am not really in a sexual mood. It shouldn't take long at all the get the erection, I used to (static porn days) get hard almost instantly when I masturbated. Everything seems sluggish and forced now. I think this is how most guys in flatline would perform if they tried.

So, Here I am, 110 days in, 4 O's, no P, still flatlining? I have only done those 4 masturbation sessions in order to "jumpstart" my libido, but a month after breaking the seal my libido is still missing. Maybe I just need more time? Maybe I need a different girl? I feel that at the very least I should occasionally be horny, and able to masturbate easily and successfully by myself without porn.

Lastly, (and this may seem ridiculous but I am getting desperate for libido) since the porn problem seems to be about novelty, lately I have been wondering if it would be helpful to watch a single amateur-couple video, one where the couple is connecting with each other and being respectful and enjoying themselves. I would not let myself scroll through the different scenes or switch to any other movies, or masturbate to it. I just want to feel the feelings I have previously felt with past partners, maybe that would click the ON button in my loins. I know it's a dangerous, slippery road to travel but I haven't had P cravings at all during this reboot period and I now realize how those terrible genres and professional scenes are degrading to women and rob men of the emotional aspect of sex and I want nothing to do with those, but I do remember a couple amateur scenes I came across where the couple was having lots of fun together and sharing the experience. I wonder if, since my sex ed WAS porn, and now (since the reboot) I associate porn with being bad, if I now subconsciously associate ALL sex/masturbation with being bad.

Maybe more time

 (I enjoyed porn more than sex with my last partner, porn was fun and dopamine hits were awesome, regular vanilla sex was... ehh)

This does indicate brain changes as does the flatline period. I would give it more time. I guess I wonder how psychological isssues can suddenly manifest as you stop porn? Issues strong enough to prevent erections. Maybe they have, but with so many guys experiencing this very same drop in libido.......

This is not to discourage your from addressing psychological issues if you think they play a part,

I wish I had more answers.

I think you need more time

I know that for me, MOing 4 times that early would have set me back. I didn't really start feeling like my reboot was over until after Day 120 (I'm on Day 160 no PM today) and I still think I need to rewire. I think it might take some time and intentional effort on your part to restore sensitivity down there. I had sex around Day 130 and it was super fast as might be expected. However, I had sex again multiple times 3-4 days ago and, to my surprise, I didn't have to fight that hard to keep from ejaculating too fast. It was almost like I could go as long as I would have pre-reboot (where I suffered from delayed ejaculation) just with the added ability to ejaculate with less effort (i.e.- intense focusing on porn or some other situation) and much improved erection strength and recovery time. It wasn't until the third session that I even really felt super sexual and engaged on a more emotional level. I really think the basic reboot just brings the brain back to neutral and then you have to do some things to get yourself to where you want to be. Since the sex, I've had more spontaneous erections, had morning wood (which I still hadn't been getting before), and have noticed that my penis seems bigger flaccid, like it's waking up or something. If I were you, I would hold off on ejaculating until about Day 150 (unless you feel better sooner), do some of the energy flow/genital awareness exercises, then start trying to actively rewire the brain through sex. I really felt my brain engaging once I actually started doing the act. For instance, the first time I entered the girl I was probably about 80% erect and doubt I could have gotten it harder. But by the third session, I was rock hard before entry. I kind of think that the 90 day talk is a bit optimistic in general and I think the mindset of "just leave it alone and you'll be back to normal" is the wrong mentality. I think you might have reset the brain to neutral in 90 days (longer for me), and have to take an active role in healing yourself. But you're on the right track and you have a big number of days behind you. I really think that if you hold off for another month or so and do the energy flow/penis awareness stuff, you'll be ready to start re-wiring.

No medications or drugs, I

No medications or drugs, I take a multivitamin and a B vitamin supplement. I think I will try what "recovering" is talking about with the penis energy flow stuff. It's worth a try. Just writing this all down seems to have helped wrap my mind around the whole situation. I think I was trained with porn, and now that I am off the porn, I need to re-train to reality. I am not opposed to the idea that this could take a couple more months to fully recover, but since I am not going back to P, I feel like I should be slowly incorporating M and O into my life and try to connect those feelings and thought with real people/potential partners. I don't think my penis is broken, I just think my mind needs to get a healthy handle on sex.

Are there ways to get yourself turned on? Because the whole idea of solo M w/out P seems/feels kinda foreign to me... I cannot get into it. I mean I get sexual surges every once in a while during M, but they fade after a few minutes and don't usually come back. P was good at keeping the surges coming, I was always a quick video/scene switcher. Hopefully I just need to re-learn how to keep steady excitement for longer, and not get bored quickly. Maybe those surges are not real libido, in which case I need to find my real libido. Either way something just feels off.

I find that I have a libido

I find that I have a libido but no desire to masturbate. I'm not sure when or if I will get on some sort of masturbation schedule. Frankly, I would like all my ejaculations from this point forward to be the product of sex. Porn really acted as a substitute for my sexual life for a few years and I figure I've Med enough. I want the real thing! :) Though I do want to be more comfortable with the idea of masturbating- I find myself kind of shying away from the idea right now like the mind does from some sort of trauma.

Marnia wrote:

[quote=Marnia]may help you realize what's going on in your brain. Brains re-wire differently.Why Do I Find Porn More Exciting Than A Partner?[/quote]
Great article. Just what I needed to read I think. I guess I'll just keep on chuggin along. When I put this into perspective, it really hasn't been that long. I went through just about every withdrawal symptom and I am past the worst part. The article talks about dopamine hits and I think just before my reboot I dug myself into a deeper hole when I started preferring to PMO after/while smoking weed. It numbed my mind and body and made the sessions last longer and caused me to need to watch some pretty disturbing things just to get off. The dopamine hits I felt right as I finished were just about the most intense feelings I have ever felt, and I did it a lot, probably causing a bunch of receptors to be numbed. I can now see how this reboot may take me a bit more time to re-grow those receptors. I don't think my addiction was always this bad, in fact the escalation to worse genres wasn't until about a couple years ago when I subscribed to a paysite that introduced me to a whole new world of hi-def, intense content.

On the bright side, I have better relationships since beginning this reboot. With my family, friends, and girls. I am a lot more loving and caring, and I try to be nice and genuine and HONEST to people. I can see now that my PMO days gave me a sense of superiority towards, I mean how could it not? I held the keys to the most emotional high I could possibly experience, no one could compete with me and my PMO... No one.

I just hope that I can gain control of my penis soon. I would like to be in control of my erections and sexual experiences, as now (and in the past) my sex life is/was determined by the randomness of my erections, the only place I had control was during PMO.

On a side note, my roommate has a closet door with a collage of porn pin up pictures. When I first started my reboot I had to consciously try to not look at them, it was difficult to do. It was all I thought about when I was in his room. Now, sometimes my eyes cross past them, but then are just pieces of paper to me. If I happen to walk into a situation where porn is present (i'm in college) I ignore it without any difficulty. I know that porn doesn't have the grasp on me that it once did, I don't crave it, I just don't crave anything sexual. I just wish the girl I am seeing could spark some dopamine in my brain, but sadly as of now she doesn't. In time I guess

robinhood23 wrote:


I just hope that I can gain control of my penis soon. I would like to be in control of my erections and sexual experiences, as now (and in the past) my sex life is/was determined by the randomness of my erections, the only place I had control was during PMO.


Glad your recovery is going well. Maybe your roommate can remove those pix? Dunno.

I was going to say, guys don't have control over their penises. That's my experience. Erections happen and if we are not trying to imagine we are in control, it's a lot easier. We have no control. I think it's a lot healthier to realize this, as it's the truth. You can't force your erections, that's for sure. When I understand this, it is quite liberating because I realize it's no longer anything to control and therefore worry about. It isn't my responsibility. Then it happens or it doesn't. And I've recently discovered that even if it doesn't happen at first, or at all, it's fine, and I can bring my partner pleasure whether it's flaccid or erect. This sort of attitude tends to be very good for my sexual performance and very relaxing.