So I am at 110 days no P. I was no MO until I masturbated at day 80, day 90, day 100 and day 109, all without P of course. The problem is, I am still in a flatline I think. I don't know. I am 23. I have had 3 girlfriends who I have had sex with in the past. I have had plenty of sex, but ED has always been sporatic. I guess some might say it is performance anxiety, but I have had a TON of sex in my life, I know what I am doing when I do get going, so I don't know why I don't care for it now, I hardly even think about it. I haven't had sex in 2 years now, which is why I began the reboot, to get the ball rolling again. I feel like this reboot has made me even more confused with what I want, and this lack of sex drive is driving me nuts. I hardly feel like a man. I rarely get erections, if I do MO, it takes forever to get hard. I haven't had a natural rock hard erection since my P days. Sometimes I just stop at half mast because I feel like an idiot. I have no problems getting girls, but what is the point if I can't even get hard on my own? I am good looking, I am in great shape, I workout 6 or so hours a week, I am competitive and I am a great athlete. I am smart, I have no problems speaking in front of people, even thousands of people, taking the lead in any group, and setting and attaining goals. Other than my sexuality, my life is fantastic. I can make out with girls and get frisky but I always feel like i'm just going through the motions. I just feel like it's a what guys do. Things just don't start flowing, not like when I was a teenager. I remember making out with girls in high school for hours at a time and not getting bored. Going down on my girlfriends and enjoying every second of it, not anymore. I am not really sexually attracted to the girls I meet and flirt with, any girl at that. I have no confidence in my dick. I am certainly not gay, I always watched straight porn and I love the female body. Now that it has been 110 days I don't miss the porn, I never did, I just wonder what the hell is going on. I almost want to watch P without the MO, just to see if my sexual juices are still routed. I want to feel horny, whether or not it is with a real girl is beginning to not matter.
My only thought is that I started with P from the beginning. Maybe I seriously do not have a handle on my sexual-ness. Maybe my sexuality is still porn based, in which case how do I change it? My whole outlook on sex is depressing right now. Do I just wait it out? Does this reboot take years?
I have partied pretty hard these last 3 or so years, mostly i think to keep my mind off of my inadequacies. About 6 months ago I stopped binge drinking, smoking weed, and took most of the partying away from my life. I even moved 400 miles away from my old life last year to start fresh and get away from a life I no longer liked.
During my reboot I had a few super horny days, maybe 3 or 4, that's it. It was a good opportunity to get to know myself and reconnect with the things I really liked to do, but now I miss women and sex and my libido. Life is pretty dull without sex, I mean it's pretty much the only biological reason we are here...