21 years old. My Story of Anxiety, Medication, and Change.

Submitted by moneybanks24 on
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Hey guys,

New to this, and lurked for a while but wanted to share my story.

I just turned 21 this summer. I may come from a slightly different background than most guys on here, but I'm in the same boat. I have what's called a nonverbal learning disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonverbal_learning_disorder). I'm pretty socially awkward at times and don't learn things intuitively like most people. Example: I complained to my mom when I was 3 that I didn't know how to play with other kids lol. Along with the NLD, I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder at age 9. I've been in and out of therapy and off and on antidepressants since then.

I started MO'ing when I was 6, after my parents showed me a book about the birds and the bees lol...that was my first experience with "porn". At 16, I discovered online chat rooms, compulsively seeking out partners to have cybersex with. When I first started, I could be on there for up to 12 hours in a day on weekends. On schoolnights, I'd get my homework done asap to head back to the room and MO in the chat room. I was doing this to hide from my obsessive thoughts and social situations that I found so unsettling. I felt more comfortable when I was isolated and PMO'd. I've been doing this to relieve stress ever since then.

Since 18, I've matriculated in 5 different schools. Through lots of ups and downs, I finally ended up at the one I wanted from day 1, a top 30 university. Last semester was my first, and life was good. I got a girlfriend for the first time, found a decent group of people to hang out with, and did well in school. I did all of this on a low dose of an SSRI. Despite all this, I was still looking at porn/going to chat rooms on a nightly basis.

This semester, I decided to move into my own studio apartment. I'm living by myself. I had this fantasy that this would be the easiest way to bring girls I meet online back without issues. I live in a city, so it can be hard to arrange meeting up with people, ESPECIALLY if funds are limited ($7 beers aren't easy on the wallet). The past 2 days, I've stayed in my place, only leaving for 1-2 hours/day. I've probably looked at porn/chatted for up to 20 hours in those 2 days.

I'm still with my girlfriend who I deeply care about but don't know if I love. I'm balking on whether or not to end it completely. Not sure if this is my PMO addiction or my true belief. So I'm waiting...

I've just had it at this point. I've really lost my drive to go out, socialize, follow my passion in music. I'm confused about where my life is going. I'm not confident and have this defeatist attitude that prevents me from pursuing things in fear of failure. One thing I do know: I want to eliminate this unhealthy coping mechanism I've developed. I want to regain my drive to experience life and better myself. It's time to really figure out what I want and pursue it, without being polluted by all these urges to PMO.

There's a lot in this post, I know. If you can find the time to read it and/or relate, I'd really appreciate any comments or support you guys have. I'll update this periodically. Hopefully, it'll keep me on track.


Have you started a reboot?

i would hold off having talks or making decisions to break up.  You are under the influence of a lot of 

orn related neurochemicals right now. So waiting is a good idea most likely. So glad you are here. 



First and foremost, I would like to welcome you in this community. I am one of the new members here as well, and that I am a P/M/O addict myself. And you are on the right community if you want to get on with your life without the P/M/O nagging at the back of your mind....

I would also like to congratulate you because you yourself finally took a conscious step to making yourself better. Admitting that you are an addict, and that you want a better life is already an effort....

About the breaking up with gf, I think that you should let time pass first before deciding. Most of the time, we make our decisions out of compulsion, the same way with our PMO.

DO NOT BE AFRAID to do things you want to do. Everything we do will either be success or failure, but how we react to the situation is the important thing. If we have success, it is normal we feel happy. But if we have failures, we almost always tend to be sad and beat ourselves up. Only a few of us see failures to be our motivation to do better. So when failure comes, it only means we can do better.

Take some activities too such as jogging or brisk walking,with deep breathing exercises. Oxygen in our brain makes us think clearer and more positive. It is also a good avenue to express here in Reuniting, without hesitation because our community here is of accepting nature.

Good luck and hoping we can help you out here.

Sounds like you've

made a lot of progress with a tough challenge. This is just the next one. But get prepared. Have you visited YBOP? Watched the videos? Read about Rebooting? Checked out the FAQs? Read the tips other guys have written up?



http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us (especially the relapse thread: I relapsed or am in danger of relapse. (EMERGENCY MEASURES) )


Before you will know if this will help you, you need several months of consistency. Get a porn blocker on your computer and phone. It helps. See COMPUTER.PAGE

Good luck. Here are two good support forums: