Started porn at age 12, 20 years ago. Began with very graphic magazine that I got my hands on and then jumped to internet porn really quickly. Was mostly lesbian porn until that stopped working and then shifted to group/gay/etc. Continued that for a long time, although my frequency was never too bad and I never binged. Depending on whether or not I was with a girl, the most would be once a day.
Around college (2003) I stumbled on shemale porn and got addicted to that. I always hated watching gay porn because I was never attracted to guys and had girlfriends, but something about the taboo nature of male genitals excited me. It would permeate my dreams and masturbation session.
Naturally due to the usage of such graphic material, I developed some ED issues. They started off mildly (could not finish), then transitioned to difficulty maintaining erection and then even getting an erection became impossible. I of course made no correlation to the porn, but I did worry about the shemale/gay thing. So I developed some serious HOCD in the past 5 years, really doubting myself. The thing that confused me most is that I look at girls, get attracted to girls and fall in love with girls. So I could never square my emotional desire for them along with my physical attraction to their bodies with this odd need for male genitals.
Few months ago:
About 2.5 months ago I started seeing someone and decided to quit porn during the dating process. I never knew about addiction, just something I did by accident. We got intimate quickly and of course my stuff didnt work very well. I could get early arousal, but it would fade. Once the early arousal faded, even if she would reach for it, the combination of fear and lack of reboot resulted in flaccidity. We did have successful intercourse, but it ended with me going soft. The sensation and the feeling just wasnt strong enough to sustain.
We broke up about 5 weeks ago, I just hope it was not because of the sex problems - she claimed it was not. I went back to porn for a few sessions, just out of frustration. Exactly at the same time I discovered YPOB.
On April 15th, I read everything on the subject and realized that I had some serious symptoms:
- No morning wood (occurred to me that I did not have it for many months)
- Testicular pain
- Anxiety in my stomach (butterflies)
So although I have been rebooting for 2.5 months, I guess there were interruptions. I still count this as about 75 days, the following observations over the past few weeks:
- morning wood is back, seems to be getting stronger and lasting longer
- Anxiety is completely gone, this is utterly incredible. I thought it was a personal/character thing. Guess not!?
- Wet dreams. Many, weird ones. Mostly straight. Early ones were graphic, very porn-like, recent ones are more normal. One was gay oriented ( I think ).
- Very poor sleep. Wake up a few times a night, toss and turn and go to the bathroom 2 or 3 times (MOre on that below)
I met another girl a few weeks back. We are getting very serious, I like her very very much. My attraction to her face and body is just through the roof. However when making out and grinding together, my penis is rather MIA. Randomly it would pop up, get excited and go away.
Few days ago, as I was going down on her - penis was inactive, although I enjoyed myself thoroughly. When she reached for it, it was soft :( I panicked and explained that I have these kinds of issues and she seemed understanding.
I also went to a urologist a few days ago for the testicular pain and he said I have prostatitis. He said that may explain the nocturnia, testicle pain and erections fading. I am on antibiotics now.
My question for you:
- Even though I started watching gay porn super young, is this still HOCD I am battling? I just assumed that if it was appealing to me in my teens then it is more real?
- Given the improvements that I have experienced, am I still rebooting? The fact that my ED currently is just as bad as it was years ago, is worrying to me. I would at least expect *some* improvement!
- Best way to handle this with a new partner?
- Can the prostatitis be complicating matters here?
Thanks so much!