Are we compatible with karezza?

Submitted by sh0rty5 on
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I am 14 days into my first attempt to rid my life of porn consumption. I am happily married to a wonderfully supportive woman (I'm 32, she's 28 - married nearly 2 years).

These recent weeks have been very enlightening for both of us, we've talked a lot about how we can work together to bring me out of my addiction and how she can help with urges. We've had sex (like... regular sex) a number of times in this period, as well. Love has really been in the air with Valentine's Day occurring recently and the increased intimacy involved with baring my soul about PMO addiction.

We both came across karezza separately while reading about NoFap, porn (PMO) addiction, and dopamine abuse. She mentioned it a few times as we've discussed our plan for the upcoming week. (Should we have sex? How often? Do I need to avoid orgasm during a NoFap reboot?) Anyway, suffice to say that we would like to give it a try. We love each other a lot, and we love to have sex with one another. If there is another level to this whole thing, let's experience it.

I haven't picked up the book yet, but I intend to. The introductory articles on indicate that we should start he Ecstatic Exchanges by going to bed together each night. The trouble is, that's not something we do very often today. She starts work an hour or so earlier than I do each day, and I arrive home 2-3 hours later than she does. We get our daughter to bed around 8, have 1 or 2 hours of alone time together. She's asleep by 10 (usually by 9, actually), and I'm up until midnight or 1am. I don't need as much sleep as she does, and I'm not a morning person. I often use the late hours to do school work (I'm still taking college courses), or manage our finances, or just decompress.

Anyway... this was a long-winded way to ask if we can follow the Ecstatic Exchanges without sharing a bedtime? Would it be bad for the experience if I were to leave bed and do homework after? It sounds terribly un-romantic of me, but there are very few hours in the day and so very much to do.

**TL;DR: I want to succeed at breaking my porn addiction, and I want to enhance the intimate relationship I have with my wife. We want to try karezza, but we don't share a bedtime. Can we make it work another way?**

of course you can

you can just go ahead and have non orgasmic sex.

You don't need the exchanges at all.

Or you can try them.

The rules don't apply because they don't send the Karezza Police to your house (at least they never have sent them to mine).

It would be really nice to spend time together as a couple naked preferably every day if you can,especially naked cuddling etc. And if you have intercourse to try not to come, by keeping it cooler and not too "dopamine driven."

The exchanges purpose is to give you and she something to do together while the orgasm dopamine type hormones wear off...but they are not strictly "necessary".

What is almost a necessity is figuring out how to spend time together like this as much as you can, every day.

Congratulations for taking this to the next level and kicking porn!

You and your partner are both

You and your partner are both on the same page... so I would say you are set for success! It is a personal journey and your own style of Karezza will evolve. I am not exactly a veteran, but my experience has been that, once you decide to lean into it, it will take you where you need to go. And... that experience has been without my wifes involvement.

When I first started, I thought a lot about style and technique, when and where, that sort of thing. In the beginning that is really all you have to visualize how this new approach will look. As you get further into it, those things simply fade into the background and are really irrelevant. It becomes much more about who you are rather than what you do.

And... like emerson pointed out, a little time together every day is the most important thing. Even a few minutes of hand holding or other light bonding will keep you pointed in the right direction.

You have an amazing road ahead of you, I say you dive right in and don't stress on the details.


Sounds like you're getting good advice from other forum members.

Just remember, this is your personal laboratory. If something's not working down the road, you can make a course-correction.

The tough part is learning not to get too close to The Edge of orgasm.

Slow but sure

I would take advantage of your "1 or 2 hours of alone time together" to do what Emerson suggests. Watching TV (or whatever you normally do) is unlikely to be as much fun as being naked with someone you love.

It took me years before I discovered orgasm was more of a mirage than an oasis. It kept appearing on my horizon, so I would run towards it, only to be fooled again. The key for me was to slow everything down to snail pace, and concentrate on not looking ahead to see what was coming. That way, the oasis came to be wherever I was. I find I still have to 'do' something, though, to keep my mind from wandering. I haven't reached the point of lying in ecstasy without movement. Luckily, my wife is very adaptable. She's enthusiastic, whatever we do, which is great.

Others who post here seem to have found passing on orgasm relatively easy.


If you can take time with her at her bedtime, I don't think it hurts anything if you get up and do your homework after she's asleep.
However, that might set you up for late night porn temptation?

I'm wondering if Marnia has any info on any relationship between breaking a porn addiction and circadian rhythms? Is it possible that some people "become" morning people when they're free of porn hangovers?


Haven't thought about that directly, but I've seen many guys find that getting up in the morning is way easier without porn in their lives. Here's one I was just looking at yesterday for another project:

Used to always wake up and feel just dead, not even really tired. I would be late for school almost every day. Now, I wake up about 5 min before my alarm, wide awake, ready for the day. It's so fucking awesome!!

It has been 30 days since my start. I am doing pretty well, non-hardmode [i.e., he has a girlfriend and has some sex] and so it is a bit easier. I noticed my sex drive is much lower than before. Before I had the urge to fap everyday (and did before I started nofap). I am now able to go a day or more without an urge. Feels good. This last week was important because my SO was unavailable due to sickness. I was able to focus on her more and help nurse her to health