Now I know alot of people have varying experiences in terms of intensity of self esteem issues.
That is what I am going to post about here since it is the strongest way I have been impacted by the lack of this discipline described on here. That said it is possible that I understand it better than some with similar problems.
As a good faith gesture I am going to mention this once, for the past 10 or so years I have used pornography to varying degrees ultimately culminating in a very low sex drive and an extremelly low self esteem.
In the past I have been told I have been handsome and all this, but I can't conceptualize that I am attractive to anyone of the opposite sex. Big surprise then really that it has been difficult for me to maintain relationships for very long.
I have been struggling with this habit for almost as long as I have had it. I would say for 7 or 8 years I have been trying to stop. And before that when I just consoled myself with magazines I always threw them away. Once I started buying videos I always threw them away too, I think I bought one or two. That is the insidious thing about internet pornography, it is always there.
Yes I could use a filter but I want to quit for good once I am done I want to be done. I know there are some small ways in which some media is getting a healthier spin, but so far as I am concerned, if I ever want to put this behind me, I need to do it now. A couple years ago I made alot of progress and abstained from viewing any materials for 3 or 4 months. Since then it is an on again off again pattern, often I go for a month or so and then relapse for a few days and so on and so forth. So that is the main story.
The good news is that I have seen first hand how beautiful solo karrezza can be and the last three flings I have had that is basiclly what I was doing when we got close, but those women didn't seem to understand or appreciate my perspective, well maybe one of them did.
So there it is, I have posted on a porn recovery site for over six months and made minimal progress there. I have decided to come over here and try this instead. And do the reading. All that stuff.
When it comes to personal habits I have changed a few that are difficult but this is the most difficult of all being a person who is mostly motivated by love. So with that said I am not going to do aggressive tracking of my counts, or any sort of involved technique besides maybe adhering to a daily personal journal.
But otherwise I will just try to motivate myself on the real reason I want to quit. I fell in love once. I won't ever deserve her, I am too much of a loser, but I can do the things I need to do to get over this idea that she was "the one", and most importantly that no woman would ever want me.
And the main way I am going to do that is by licking my porn habit ( archaic slangwise), and the other way is by conserving my energy.
I think you all know what I mean by that. It is about to be winter where I live and I plan on holding on through the winter, for the first time in my adult life.
I am not sure I even want to do much sexual practice right now.
After all maybe I should be learning how to be a lover with someone who loves me, maybe I can wait.
It might help me to form a clear psychic boundary between myself and online porn, because at this point my body probably associates me touching myself with all the porn I have watched. Maybe it would be kinder to allow for a period of transition.
Just some thoughts.