Can I have a normal life?

Submitted by ironworld on
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I'm 26, turning 27 on Thursday. Still a virgin. Miserable and depressed. When I was 17 I met a girl who I went out with for 3yrs but we never had sex. I'd get too nervous and wouldn't be erect enough and eventually lose it. I now know it was probably a bit of nerves, but mostly a PMO addiction.

Recently I've been kicking myself. I'd give anything to go back and try again without the porn. I've often wondered what my life would be like now. Girls I've encountered, relationships I could have had, but didn't (out of fear). It gets me REALLY down. My 20's has been a fairly boring experience - mainly sat in front of a computer screen. It feels like I've wasted my youth.

I even moved countries at 21, and thought perhaps I could start fresh. But in reality I just got stuck in the same routine. Now I'm scared, really scared, that I'll never find anyone. With ZERO sexual encounters under my belt I feel extremely nervous when I meet girls. Will I keep it up? Will I do it right? Will she be satisfied? But also, having sex will be a HUGE thing for me. Massive. And every extra year adds more pressure. If I could have sex right now it would turn my life around (for the better). How can you simply not get nervous about something so big?

I'm on day 11 of my reboot. So far I've done fairly well with very little cravings. My libido is pretty much none existent at this stage. I'm hardly ever horny, if ever. But tbh, I only used to get horny thinking about PMO.

What's worse is I can't really "test" once I get to the other end. Unless this reboot helps my nerves, they'll be no way I can pick up girls at the club. I guess I could pay for it (legal here) but I think I'd be just as nervous tbh. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to end up alone forever. Going out is tough for me, because of my anxiety, drinking actually makes me feel sick and also interferes with other bodily functions. I would even get nerves and ED in my dreams when having sexual encounters - though I haven't had one of these in a long time. I've actually had a few dreams where I've had successful sex, though as I've never had it, I guess it was just a "best guess" as to how it felt. I even tried hypnotherapy to try and get over it, but I'm pretty sure it did nothing.

I long to be 17 again - where I actively hunted girls, where I felt confident about myself, could go out have a laugh, be the life of a party. Now I feel like a nobody :( Left behind because I couldn't perform.

Sorry to dump something so heavy on everyone. Chin up I guess! I just hope this reboot will help me return to my old social self and help repress my anxiety. I'm actually quietly hopeful, even though my post may sound completely negative.

hey I've been there

I want to assure you that you will have a very sexually successful life. This will pass, my friend.

I did not have successful intercourse with a woman until age 24. I got good at giving girls oral sex but after awhile they wanted intercourse and I just couldn't perform. I went to a hypnotherapist too. My new girlfriend was patient and understanding and things went really well after I finally did it. And that was many years ago now and we have a wonderful life. I have had a very sexually successful time since then. Everything's been great and recently got a whole lot better.

And I never realized my problems were due to porn until recently. I used porn since I was 12 or 13.

You don't have to drink to get girls either. You will become a lot more social and leave your shell as you avoid PMO. The key is to avoid PMO and avoid fantasizing about girls. And get out and socialize as much as you can.

Are you taking classes? A dance class is a nice idea. Put yourself in positions of socializing with both men and women as this is very positive during this time. And make sure you are working out. It's all very helpful.

Ups and Downs

Hi emerson. Thank you for your response. I think abstaining from PMO is really starting to affect my mood. Today I have been up and down like a yo-yo. My original post was obviously a low point. Right now I'm feeling ok.

I'm confident that you are right. I'm inherently lazy so it's hard for me to get into new routines. I have already planned to start working out - though I cannot afford a gym membership I am going to grab a cheap bench and work out at home.

I'm refraining from reading my original post as it will probably get me down again. I was lying in bed earlier and had a bit of a flash back to my old relationship. I felt sort of warm and comfortable. I think, or hope, that I'll be fine :)

ironworld wrote:

[quote=ironworld]I'm inherently lazy so it's hard for me to get into new routines. [/quote]


You might want to change this self talk to "I used to be lazy. It was hard for me to get into new routines but I'm working on it."

Eliminate anything with permanence in it and your subconscious won't hear that reinforced over and over will become better and better at it, just practice!

Like Looking into a Mirror

Wow, Ironworld. I could have written this myself.

I am in exactly the same boat. 28 year-old inherently lazy virgin that has wasted his youth in front of a computer screen and feels left behind. That about sums me up to a tee. I do suffer from anxiety in social situations, but maybe not as much as you. I can talk to women and become quite the charmer when I'm in the mood, but unfortunately I tend to run out of things to say rather quickly.

It feels like the years of PMO have rotted my brain and I can't seem to retain information or memories. My mind just goes completely blank. If you have checked out, there are many reboot accounts that report alleviated anxiety as one of the major identifiable improvements made during reboot. So there is a strong chance of this working for us. I'm banking on it anyway :)

Try to stay away from the computer. I know this is easier said than done in today's world, believe me. My job as a freelance artist practically forces me to sit in front of a computer every day AT HOME ON MY OWN!!! That is why I am seriously considering a career change. If your job dictates that you sit in front of one all day, do NOT go on the computer when you get home. Get all your personal emails checked and various other tasks done on your lunch break so that your home is a media free environment. Try not to watch TV for trigger images or babechat channels. I am personally trying to read more. It quietens the mind and triggers healthy brain activity.

Oh, and if you can't afford a gym membership, how about getting into kettlebell training? I bought one on ebay and I'm going to start following this DVD training program: It is inexpensive compared to monthly gym membership, takes up next to no room in the house, and is supposedly much more effective at muscle group and overall conditional training than traditional weights are. See what you think, but regardless of what you choose, any exercise is highly beneficial as Emerson states. I went through my longest PMO-free stretch when going to the gym a couple of years back, and I felt a lot less depressed and anxious to boot. It also seemed like people all around me were responding much more positively to me, which was really bizarre sensation, but a very welcome one.

One more thing. It is completely pointless beating yourself up about a wasted youth. I used to have these thoughts, but once I got a taste of life with less PMO, I no longer cared. When old people look back on their life, they don't remember massive stretches of conjoined time when they were blissfully happy. They remember those really potent special moments - particular days, or events or experiences that touched them profoundly. When we get PMO free, and we will god-damn-it, we just need to meet one special person we connect with on a higher level, and that moment will render all the years leading up to it irrelevant.

So chin up, work out, and start to realise that the world is not devoid of all pleasurable gems, it just the way your faulty brain is currently perceiving it. The more time you spend in the world without pixels, the sharper the resolution becomes. Good luck sir.

Feeling good

Guys, I really really appreciate your feedback. Everything is helpful. My flatmate today told me that he wish he had my looks - small things like that help boost my self confidence - and these posts are very helpful with motivation.

Emerson, I'm certainly changing my ways. I've ordered a workout bench and weights (way cheaper than joining a gym!) and I've decided to get back into making music. Music being one of the only things that stops me returning to playing videogames and PMO.

I'm feeling great today. I had a few glasses of wine, but that was because I felt good, not because I wanted to feel good. I had a dream last night where I met a hot blonde - we made out and I was rock hard with no fear/anxiety - yes it was a dream, but I didn't know that at the time, and I find my dreams are a good reflection of my feelings in the real world. Regardless, it was a small boost to my confidence and I'll take everything I can get.

Back2Reality - I guess it's of no surprise that I do work in IT. That's probably part of the problem, being a male dominated field and spending most of my day in front of the computer. I also have my music - again in front of the computer. And a new business venture - again in front of the computer. I can't really change career, but I do plan on finding some evening social clubs that I might enjoy. I'm pretty good at self control, so I'm quite confident I won't relapse.

Honestly, I feel great right now. Probably the best I've felt in a year or more. I hope it gets better! I mean it's only day 13, but I do understand it's not linear - tomorrow might suck, but it's my birthday so I'll try to stay positive.