Can some of the women describe their hangover symptoms?

FamilyGuy's picture
Submitted by FamilyGuy on
Printer-friendly version

I have noted that a lot of men have commented on their symptoms (including me), but I have had a hard time cobbling together some of the symptoms of the women.

Anyone care to create a list of things you have experienced? And time frames would be interesting as well (I know Marnia has written that some of her issues arise near the end of the two week cycle).


My wife says "total bitch"-

My wife says "total bitch"- depressed, easily angered, selfish.

This is also pretty much how I feel. Prone to anger and depression with a childish grudge against life for not giving me something I want, but I don't know what that is.

I tootally relate to "childish grudge"

When I either: 1. have an orgasm or 2. get tense, roused up with no relaxation... I get angry like a child.

This morning we did not have enough time to have sex, and he was in a cuddly, sexy mood, so I ended up pressuring myself into letting him inside me after cuddling, even though that I knew I didn't want him to be inside- because for me to fully enjoy it, I need to be fully relaxed and know that I will have time to enjoy it... So even though I didn't have an orgasm, the resulting tension from non-relaxing PIV can even trigger reactions or frustrated symptoms or feelings for me. I know that this isn't true hangover (2 weeks), but I can still feel pretty awful throughout the day and it can build itself into the week if I do not do calm partner activities consistently.

This morning I even punched a wall because I was angry at myself for getting too heated up... and needing an outlet to express my anger. I also crouched on the floor and held my arms over my head while I told him that I felt frustrated and I was sorry for feeling angry.

The reason I did this is because normally I hold in the anger and I end up getting a huge headache, crying uncontrollably, and feeling a slight resentment the rest of the day, even when I try to lighten up, relax, massage my neck, do something productive, get my mind on something else pleasurable etc.

My reactions were so strong because I was so angry at myself. I have a history of allowing myself to go past what is comfortable to me as a way to please the other person and feeling the resulting tension in my body. Probably comes from a past history of lack of emotional and physical boundaries while growing up in my household Thankfully, my partner now truly cares about me and does not want me to be doing this anymore. He is willing to do whatever with me, so that we are not going past what I want to.

I have gotten a lot better with my partner at being honest, verbal about what I do and don't want to do during sex which will either help me not rouse or tense too much, or will help me achieve a calm connection with him.

For me, this is cuddling, holding each other's heads and bottoms, laying on top of eachother's chests or stomachs, scissors cuddling, me touching his penis in a relaxing, non arousing way, looking into each other's eyes,

Also, during the day, if I have gotten too aroused, I try doing different things throughout the day, like asking him to kiss me on the cheek, cuddling for a few minutes on top of eachother on the couch, wrapping my arms around his waist from behind and putting my head on his shoulder, giving or receiving a hug, or asking to look into his eyes. Being more proactive in the calming activities helps me to remember to stay calm and gentle during pre intercourse or intercourse itself.


as your nervous system really "gets it" that you're safe and loved, you won't react quite so strongly.

At that point, your partner will have earned a medal! Sounds like a lovely guy.

Haha :)

I think he already has. In my book, at least. It's pretty embarrassing for me that I get so emotional, but I keep reminding myself to simply be aware, observe, and make adjustments for what's needed.

You know

about Diana Richardsons' "feelings" and "emotions" concept right? Emotions relate to old wounds...even though it seems like a partner sometimes "causes" them. They need to be released outside of the relationship if at all possible. Excuse yourself and go punch a pillow or jump up and down for a bit, or whatever.

Feelings are sensations in the moment. Those you just experience.

Let me update the question

So I looked through the link, and made a list (below) of what I found.

I think I want to update the question a bit: What I became curious about is time frame for some of these. Occasionally, you will see people mention that X days/hours after, or "in the second week" or the like.....I am just curious if there is any additional opinion/experience to be added on WHEN some of these things happen.

Obviously, everyone is different, and some of these are very general and global....just curious if there is any consistency with people feeling things on a delayed basis.

Below is a list of whatHere is what I gleaned from the link Marnia provided (as stated, it is pretty obvious which are from the women).

  • pout and rant and have fits
  • more critical
  • picked fights with people I loved
  • blame my partner for some slight.
  • feel no attraction to him at all
  • done and over it [sex] for a while.
  • takes my sexual side away from me
  • flu-like symptoms/feeling sick
  • weepiness
  • depressed because the delicious sexual tension was broken
  • woke up a bit more depressed
  • a little angry
  • a little "edgy"
  • strong desire to push him (my partner) away
  • felt really separate and distant from my partner
  • want to be left alone
  • feel alone and misunderstood
  • feeling of "lack" (what a great description for that "woe is me" attitude)
  • feeling like I needed to be nurtured and held.
  • felt like I didn’t have much to give
  • more emotionally unstable
  • my yoni felt dense, as if I needed another release (orgasm).
  • felt like pushing and pulling at the same time, rather than connecting and playing and laughing.
  • hormones went through the roof.
  • had a rough menstrual cycle
  • altogether felt uncomfortable for two weeks.
  • issues getting comfortable with being touched
  • lover actually looked dehydrated and deflated and less alive after we had sex
  • my legs drag as I walked
  • [No]bounce in my step
  • thinking wasn't clear anymore
  • (Male observation) 5 days [after she] wanted to fight about everything
  • ~12 hours after the deed, I begin to feel a hollow pit growing in my stomach

working on men...

lShould have men done later curious to compare.
Incidentally my favorite pair of items from this list are "want to be alone" and "feel lonely" :)


Actually, I was just looking at the list again, and you are right. The breadth of the list is huge....every negative thing you can think of! :)

A lot of the "male" comments were fairly consistent with each other (i.e. not as much breadth of symptoms...generally speaking...YMMV). Men probably experience a lot of these things, but there seems like a few major things that stick out consistently for men....need to review the lists again.

i'm experimenting

with this with my wife. I have generally considered myself a "moody" person, prone to bouts of mild depression and anxiety. I am REALLY interested to see how going O-free affects these "personality traits."

My impression is that women

maybe (slightly) more prone to projection then men. If neurochemical "ripples" tarnish perception, then projections will show up all over the place and be "perceived" in all kinds of situations/emotional states. Keep in mind that drugs that alter neurotransmitter levels in the  reward circuitry are used to treat a wide variety of mental/emotional disorders. And the thesis of our book is that passion can cause "ripples" in neurotransmitter levels in the reward circuitry.

Also, my guess is that the ripples implicate some of the neurochemicals already fluctuating during our monthly cycle. Therefore, it will be tough to separate the effects, as the post-O ones may amplify the monthly ones, etc. Interestingly, I've heard a number of women report that karezza eased their PMS and even menstrual cramps.

But sample sizes are still too small to say much with certainty.

have fun with it

There are certainly some unpleasant symptoms that pop up, like the neediness, cravings, distancing behavior, and apprehension of touch, etc. These can be disconcerting to experience, for both partners. For instance, I am frustrated with myself when I feel needy, because I'm faced with unfulfilled desire and it makes me feel weak. On the other hand my wife can feel annoyed with my touches/advances and at the same time feel guilty because she has been taught that "men have needs" and she feels a certain wifely duty to fill them. Obviously these kinds of things can drive couples apart.

Now we have learned that many of these feelings could be hormonal and not actual reflections of character flaws, conflicting expectations, or a strained relationship. This has made it safer to talk about these feelings & symptoms. And we are finding that giving voice to our feelings and naming them, they are having less power over us. We are actually laughing a lot as we describe what is going on. Just a month ago there would have been hurt feelings and miscommunication as unspoken expectations weren't met. Now, we talk through it and have fun with it.

Talking and laughing about our symptoms together seems to take most of their destructive power away. I would encourage anyone dealing with post-O hangover symptoms to open up and be vulnerable, share what you feel, and don't take it all so seriously. It's interesting and humorous to see how our neurological mechanisms toss us around - once you can step outside of it and see it for what it is, it stops having power over you.

For me its a feeling of

For me its a feeling of edginess, lack of polar charge, taking things more personally, feeling more impatient and critical, reacting more defensively. I'm sure its different for every woman.

bad week

The past 5 days have been awful, my wife has basically not wanted me to touch her in any intimate way at all. Hugs & kisses have been short & business-like etc. Prior to our mutual O's last week it was like we were horny teenagers madly in love, lingering kisses, long hugs, playful gropes here and there when the kids weren't looking, middle-of-the-night make out sessions. All gone!

I know I said have fun with it and talk about it, but I admit that can get pretty difficult when one partner just really loses all interest, and you're left to struggle with it alone. She says she feels like she has "nothing to give." And thanks to my hangover I feel needy and depressed, so that even cuddling doesn't feel like enough - I want more. So my neediness drives her away further (my solution has been to muster up my willpower and give as much space as I can, find other things to do, friends to spend time with etc. while she recovers).

Is there much evidence regarding women experiencing the Coolidge effect? My wife has never been a "cuddler" after sex - she's been more likely to jump out of bed and leave than me. No basking in the afterglow for us.

I've not been able to mix

karezza with conventional sex without getting all confused about why someone was grumpy and "who's at fault." It's just easier for us to stay with those delicious feelings.

But every couple has to make their own experiments and figure out what works best for them.

Day after hangover

So, I like others have noticed a very disruptive behaviour in myself after orgasm.

I now imagine that it may have interfered with all or most of my relationships with people and that intermixed with alcoholism in my early years (sober over 25 years) served as 'reason' for others to simply abandon the relationship, either mentally or physically or both.

- during menopause I became rageful and angry and resentful of everything going on around me.
- felt out of control
- felt grief and sadness
- in denial of responsibility and blamed others for the above actions and feelings

It usually only lasted a day or two as far as I can tell, possibly more because I almost always even though I don't have a partner wind up in a battle with someone, pride seems to stay with me right into day 2 & 3 until I can journal it out through writing about it and seeing that indeed some of my thoughts are misperceptions only, others are mishandled behaviour in dealing with actual situations that need to be dealt with. Discernment of such is clearly affected by the after affects of orgasm.

Thanks for sharing

your experience. Neuroendocrine swings can really get ugly fast. It's hard to stay detached when your whole being is charged with edgy feelings just "looking" for something or someone to project themselves onto, eh? Have you had a chance to try bonding behaviors as a way of coping?

I am not a woman, but...

I have been with my wife for over 15 years. I think her hormones work totally differently from me, plus the added factors of pregnancy and child rearing are present. For a long time, she had very little sex drive, especially when we had infants. Orgasms haven't always come easily for a lot of reasons and I have been loath to discourage them when her mood is up. She interest tends to with her cycle and not with orgasms.

She doesn't

She doesn't go for it all the time. She can go loooong periods without orgasm. Much longer than me. And when she is in to it, she doesn't seem to have the diminishing returns I have, or any kind of refractory period. Also, I think there are a lot more influences on her hormones than whether she has had an orgasm, where for me it is one of the dominant things.

For me it's lethargy and lack

For me it's lethargy and lack of motivation and less mental sharpness.
I can't write or be creative. I say can't, I mean motivate myself to be as I'm self employed so do not have the same pressures of working in an office or deadline type environment.

I am not actively attracted to my partner or other men in the refractory period and get the antisocial feeling that I get pre-period or when overstimulated. To explain, I love socializing but am very intense and after a period of time I need to be alone again to recover, it drains me. Normally I feel compelled to socialize and have a very very high libido, I actively desire to be around and interact with people I like as well as men I am attracted to. Post orgasm I desire very strongly to be left alone and to stay by myself on my laptop, or with a book.

I am someone who cuddles after sex for the emotional benefits and to please him, but it's really a drop for me. I lose interest, I don't want to cuddle I want him to get away from me and to be left alone,I want my own headspace and bodyspace.