Checking In

Submitted by UM Rev on
Printer-friendly version

Hi everybody,
Even though I've been "lurking" on the Reuniting site off and on, t's been a very long time since I posted anything. Life, in general, gets hectic. But, just because I've been away doesn't mean that life has been bad. On the contrary, it's really been great. So, it's time for a review and an update.

My wife and I had been married for 28 years, and we both had almost resigned ourselves to the likelihood that we would just "exist" for the rest of our lives together. But then, what happened in the middle of July of last year I can only describe as a miracle. It was a combination of our deciding that life was too short to just exist and that we had better work on having an authentic marriage, or we would consider the option of divorce. Ironically, it was the mention of "divorce" that saved our marriage. Long ago we had vowed to never even say that word. We thought that would be a good thing to do. My wife had been divorced previously, and the thought of going through that again was too painful. So, it wasn't an option for us. The problem? Believing that option to be an impossibility only meant that we gradually began taking each other for granted, and it seemed we were both going to be locked in our own prison of sorts. And we were both miserable. Thankfully, over the succeeding weeks and months I came to the realization that keeping our marriage vows meant far more than just "sticking it out and enduring each other." Our marriage vows included words like honor, comfort, and cherish, and if we were honest with each other we had to admit that even though we had not succumbed to adultery, we were nevertheless unfaithful in keeping all of our marriage vows. I wasn't even close to cherishing my wife! So when the option of divorce was finally voiced, we woke up.

Just prior to this, I had been doing research. I was getting desperate. I wanted so much for my spouse to love me, to care for me, and also, frankly, to be aroused and turned on by me. I searched after articles, blogs, online magazines, ebooks --- literally millions of resources out there, all with helpful hints about about how to give her the best, most wowingest, most mind-blowingest orgasms. It was during this quest that I happened to come across this blog. I read the description of the book by Marnia, called "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow." As you all know, this blog and book had a decidedly different slant than most anything else out there. From here I connected with Diana Richardson's books. These women approach the subject in different ways, but they still have the same general philosophy. Both Diana and Marnia spoke about our culture that is simultaneously sex-crazed and yet also very much intimacy-deprived. That seemed so counter-intuitive, but it was and is true. We are a culture focused on the "Big 'O'," hoping that will make us feel alive, when what we really need is someone to love, to honor, to comfort, to CHERISH us, from the top of our heads to the tips of our toes. This was loving in the fullest sense. It was so unlike porn. It was refreshing.

Long story short: our relationship was renewed. I looked at the material, bought the books, and asked my spouse to join me. After a really rough start, a spark was finally ignited. We began bonding. We held hands again, and it didn't feel contrived. We sat on the sofa together. Our kisses made us feel alive. Long, slow, awesome, kisses. Our lips could stay together for such a long time. We tried some of the bonding exercises. Touching each other like this helped to open our hearts once again to each other. Practically overnight, we became a married couple, and not just two single people living under the same roof. AND, speaking of roofs -- our love-making went right through it! Before, on those few times we were "intimate," it was all about the goal -- me pleasuring her and then finishing myself, all in a span of about 10 minutes, after which we cleaned up and I rolled over and fell asleep (sound familiar?). But as we read Marnia and Diane, we both learned to slow down. We learned to enjoy each other. I became less goal-oriented. I didn't think we could ever make love for two hours. That was laughable before, but it became reality. We both felt so ALIVE. We set appointments, regular times together. A couple of times last year we stayed in a hotel for a couple of days. And, my wife became even more attractive, definitely in my own eyes, but I am also convinced she literally and truly became more beautiful.

Oh, yeah, we mostly failed at Karezza too, at least in the beginning. Our love-making was transformed, for sure, but the two of us were also in this awesome renewed honeymoon state! I was love-sick to the max. Needy, clingy, the works. Plus, just sitting next to her brought about a continual flow of "Cowper's fluid." It was simultaneously a great feeling, and yet a very helpless, immature, young teenage boy feeling. I was a mess, LOL. Thankfully, I have finally settled down and feel much more balanced and sane. I still get carried away at times, but I am much better. I no longer spill over just by sitting next to her, and that love-sickness has subsided. At the same time, our deep love for each other has continued.

Besides this, our lives have changed in other ways. Without giving away too much identity, I am being given much more responsibility, which includes a move to another community more to my spouse's liking. I never would have thought that this opportunity would ever be made available to me. I don't know, but I am thinking that our renewed relationship has given us more confidence and wholeness, and has become evident to others. This move will allow my wife to retire, which I expect will be a boon to both of us in many ways. Her job is very physically, emotionally and mentally tiring. I am hoping this will be a refreshing change for her, and for me as well.

If you've stuck with me through all of this, thank you for reading. To some of you I realize this is mostly a re-run. However, it's been good to take the time to reflect and to think back to where we were, and where we are now. Life isn't always perfect. It always brings with it many ups and downs, mountains and valleys. I am just thankful, very thankful, for this gift of new beginnings and opportunities, and Iook forward to what the end of Spring, the beginning of Summer and the succeeding years will bring.

Happy Karezza-ing!

i was wondering how you were doing

So are you doing Karezza in any form these days?

And what you said about your increasing career choices and unexpected boons, that is exactly what I find happens now in my life too. It's as if the universe is opening up more and more to me and giving me constant prosperity that was always much harder before when I felt a sexual lack.

How wonderful is it to feel this way about our spouses? Who would have dreamed this was possible? After several decades. WOW!

Congratulations and thank you for coming back here to let us know how it's going. I'm thrilled for you.


Since you were last here, Diana came out with a new film called "Slow Sex." It's a good resource because it's generic. No mention of tantra, etc. If you would like to view my copy, let me know. I'm thinking of ways you might share this concept with others when you feel it's appropriate. It features lots of real couples talking about their sex lives in wholesome ways. Only the first few minutes of the film make the point about our hypersexualized environment today.

You can see the trailer and reviews from forum members here: "Slow Sex" Film

That film was on my mind

when I posted! I have been able to acquire a copy and it is extremely well done. Wow, I don't know if I could actually show even that, as tasteful as it is. Maybe by the time I am 90 I will get up the nerve. LOL

I think in this new location

It may work! We shall see. I did really enjoy the video. Someone new to the concept may still go "huh?" So your book or article may also be needed.

And Emerson, We can usually go every other, or at the most 2 Karezza followed by an "O." I used to call them "oops,". But now it's just "go with the flow."