Long ten days since I have posted, but I have done a lot in that time. I read an interesting book by Joe Zychik that you can find here http://www.sexualcontrol.com/mpa/the-most-personal-first-48.pdf. It talks mostly about how you make your own choices and how through those choices you can end your addiction.
But in the past 10 days I have on and off again been off the wagon. On Wednesday I PMO twice to sensual straight porn but that only made me want to act out and go to Craigslist. The best remedy that I have when I have these urges is to be around people because usually if I spend a couple of hours with friends I can usually last the night when I happen to be alone thinking about being gay or straight or if I should try to force it now.
On Friday I went to see a psychiatrist who really doesnt understand all this stuff that we talk about on this site but he did get a point through to me which is CALM DOWN!!! I am so much in my head that my anxiety just feeds off it so fricken much. Also he gave me some medication which will calm me down and that is helping a lot.
So on Friday still I decided to calm down and try to make as much human contact with people as possible with hugs and to talk about my feelings with people more. It made me feel fantastic and even though I did PMO to straight porn later on, it was one of the best orgasms I have had because I felt so much emotion with it.
I dont know why but my greatest urge now is to go to Craigslist to see all the posts and this scares me more than going to porn and PMO. I go to the m4m and also the mw4m (which to me a find much more exciting because there is a girl) but I never email anything back because I dont want to force or do any of this. I actually masturbated today while looking at all the Craigslist postings and that made me started noticing guys today 100x moreso than yesterday because my brain was still trying to get that stimulation. So just now I redid all of my codes for my web filter, put a web filter on my phone, put the codes in an envelope and gave it to a friend so there is no way I can hack into porn or Craigslist myself now. I am also not trying to fight my thoughts anymore so that has also decreased my anxiety but for now it seems like I am becoming less and less interested in girls. I am just going to have to have faith in this process and that I go back to how I was before this so I can feel sexually attracted to girls again.