DE during intercourse?

Submitted by frusting on
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Hi everyone,

So it has been about 2 months now (60 days of no PM). The only O was with a new woman. I posted here recently about being frustrated and several of you suggested to take sex off the table, so we did, but then it happened anyway. Performance is certainly improving, at least compared to previous relationships.

However the following things appear to happen:

1) I can achieve full erection when she stimulates, especially while we kiss. Takes about 10-15 seconds.
2) Intercourse can be good, but then I usually fade - the fade can happen between 30 seconds or 4-5 minutes.
3) Certain positions do not provide much feeling and the fade happens faster
4) Very difficult to achieve orgasm through orgasm, happened a few times and was great, but otherwise it fades before that.
5) She wants me to finish and she can easily achieve that using her hand and kissing (about 2 minutes).

My questions:

Is this part of recovery?
Is this a phase?
I realize many of you see no reason to ejaculate during sex, but I want to be the one controlling that aspect. Once in a while I would like to do it and in fact would far prefer to fight it rather than wishing it to happen. That is to say, if I feel it happening, then I can switch positions to delay it - rather then get upset about it fading.
Have I lost sensitivity over all these years? If so, then why does her hand work so well?
Any insight, helpful here!

yeah you lost sensitivity

this is pretty common.

And it comes back. It can become extraordinary. 

A hand isn't the same as a vagina. A hand is what us guys are often more used to and it can have greater friction and force than a vagina does.

If this were me, I'd quite manual stimulation and let things take their course. That is, I wouldn't go for an orgasm. I'd help her reach her orgasms and be patient about mine. If you avoid masturbation, and porn, and especially if you do a lot of cuddling and skin on skin contact with her, over time you'll recover more sensitivity than you ever dreamed possible. 


This is one time when pushing for something, such as orgasm, isn't helpful. What really helps is to feel your love for her, and have as much cuddling and sexual intercourse as possible, completely not going for an orgasm. After awhile you'll see how much more sensitive you get and this whole issue will be behind you forever.




Read your update, sounds extremely intriguing - as if you took the whole love making thing to a completely new level, a level that even our non-addict counterparts have not achieved.

So it sounds like the way you experience what you experience is through Karezza, something marnia recommends and something I am finding difficult to explain/introduce/convince my partner of. I brought the term up to the best of my ability and she seemed confused and perplexed by it.

Another day we have intercourse and I finished OK, so it is a bit over the place.

Should I not allow her to manually stimulate any longer? If I can't achieve an erection without it, should I simply not move forward?

I would love more information on how to proceed, specifically:

- How to introduce this topic
- How to become more knowledgeable on the matter (should I get Cupid's poisoned arrow?)
- Anything else?

there's a ton on this site

On the sidebar, Karezza Korner. Marnia's hard work has really paid off.  Read the entire section, it's gold!

So I'll keep my answer brief.

No I wouldn't have her stimulate you manually or with her mouth if you don't have an erection spontaneously. If you just decide that you'll do a lot of cuddling, give her oral sex perhaps, and just hang out with her naked and close as much as possible, and you aren't masturbating or viewing porn, your penis will begin having erections on its own which is far better.

As for introducing it, I would tell her that this is what you are going to do, and she should feel free to have all the orgasms she can have and you can help her enjoy. If you stick to this and don't orgasm, it will make your sensitivity come back faster and increase your feelings for her.


So this is going to be a

So this is going to be a really silly question and I can't believe I am asking it, but:

We are supposed to get spontaneous erections that are 100% hard and ready for sex, just by being naked with each other or thinking of having sex? I would like to caveat this: I am usually 50-60% hard from kissing alone, she just gets me all the way with about 10 seconds of gentle tugging.

My porn started before any sexual interaction and I literally have no idea what my own damn penis is supposed to be doing. I know that being PMO free for 2 months has made my life easier, but I also know that I fade a lot and have experienced frustrating moments.

Lots of people always ask: when do I get better or what are the signs.

That strikes me as THE sign. When you can lie next to someone you love and just form an erection and maintain it. That is incredible.....

it's a great question

after awhile, you will get completely hard spontaneously with no stimulation, 99% of the time. Yep. That's how the willie is supposed to work, lol.

Now, if you get 50% or 60% hard from kissing, that is a great sign if she wants sex. Lube it up, pop it in, and it will become fully erect chances are. This is a variation of "soft entry". You don't need a raging boner to enter a woman and it will get fully hard once you are inside.

And spontaneous erections are THE sign of recovery.

Note though that there has to be sex on the table for a full erection. Otherwise why have one?  Semis are very common when cuddling or fully clothed if you are kissing or whatever...but they aren't full on erections because your brain knows that sex isn't gonna happen.

Well that would be quite

Well that would be quite something! Would love to experience that.

I feel like that is what we have been largely doing, although she gets me fully hard (lubed) and in it goes. The problem of course is that the expectation is to orgasm, in both cases. What is especially difficult is that she can orgasm only in ONE position and only ONE orgasm - her on top, which creates problems because when on top I lose it.

I would absolutely adore it if she could orgasm from any position, but everytime I bring it up - she tells me it is downright impossible and that everything has been tried (previous partners). I am not going to give up, this one is really special - but I can't very well convince her to try stuff that I myself don't understand while having all these erection problems.

This may sound like an even sillier question,

but would she consider several weeks of sex with no orgasm as the goal...just to free you both up from performance driven sex? Here's a whole (short) book devoted to this concept: Tantric Sex For Men.

Ours is good for this concept too. It's more science based. (Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships).

You could do it just for fun, and then see if it makes a difference by trying conventional sex again at the end.