Submitted by longingforlight1 on
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Hello,

My partner and I try to have sex once a week and I have found this satisfying for the most part (I usually avoid orgasm and our intercourse is slow and relaxed). However, things sometimes come up where we are unable to partake in the act, usually on her end (i.e. migraine, too busy with school/work, not in the right mindset, etc.). When this happens I get feelings of frustration/distance/disappointment and she picks up on it and it becomes harmful for our relationship. It's painful because I feel needy and not in-control of my feelings. As best as I try to respect her wishes and channel that frustrated energy elsewhere, it doesn't work. We usually wind up having an upset. I've even been to multiple therapy sessions because of this issue.

Is there a way/methods other practitioners have discovered that work to mitigate these unpleasant feelings?

Thank you in advance!

I've been there, friend

Some things that help me:
* Don't masturbate, avoid orgasms. That seems to reduce cravings and makes dry spells more bearable.
* Naked cuddling for a few minutes, morning and night. I can be feeling angry or resentful, and if my wife snuggles up and puts a hand on my chest, without saying anything, the bad feelings evaporate instantly. It's amazing.
* A karezza-ish handjob (no orgasm) can partially substitute for real karezza. If my wife holds my penis or gently strokes or squeezes it, it can be soothing and satisfying.

Also,

do you automatically (mutual unspoken understanding) assume that you will find time the next day? Yes, life still happens, but if you're putting sex off for another week when something comes up, that's not ideal.

can you schedule sex more often?

I can't imagine only once a week these days. I would have sex every day if I could, but at least 4 times a week. Once a week seems very, very far away...

Our rule is pretty much we are having sex on the schedule unless someone is dying, or someone didn't sleep at all. But that rarely happens and we don't usually miss.

Answers

Thank you all for the responses!

@James Bonding: Thank you. Yes I do not masturbate, even before learning karezza my own experience showed me the negative consequences of this act. The naked cuddling sounds like a good idea, I will investigate. She does do karezza-ish hand jobs and yes I've found those can be satisfying, but obviously not to the same degree as intercourse.

@Marnia: We started agreeing to "tentative date nights" Friday - Sunday since we discovered if we set Friday as the only day and she got sick or something came up then it would cause me even greater disappointment. She does not prefer to have intercourse during the week as she wants to focus on school and work, and feels she can not "give her all" during that time (she wants to be able to put her full being into things when we have sex). So yes when sickness, fatigue, or conflicting schedules prevents any time on the weekend, then we wait a whole week. She does usually orgasm during intercourse so I'm sure the passion cycle is at work here in some aspect to prevent us from always coming together in intercourse.

@emerson Her libido is simply nowhere near that level. That would probably be too much for me as well. I would prefer more than once a week, but it's not a deal-breaker. She states that things like cuddling, spending time together doing hobbies, etc. fulfill that bonding need for her as much as sex in some aspects so it's not as big of a deal for her to miss weeks.

Hmmm....

Maybe tentative date night Friday (with rain checks if necessary on Saturday or Sunday) would yield better results. On the other days can you start your day with a snuggle that involves her holding your penis as part of the exchange? (Or  choose nighttime if you prefer.)

Would she pass on orgasm for a few weeks just to see if she notices any differences (and to see if you notice any decrease in schedule conflicts)?

Thanks!

Thank you for the suggestion Marnia, I will apply the advice in this thread and let you all know how it affects the situation. Karezza is a sensitive area for us as we definitely have different views in this area (although not to the point of being polarized). After a lot of hard (and often painful) work we have reached a relatively healthy place were she respects and tolerates my practice (for the most part).

I've tried to convince her to try karezza on numerous occasions but she is adamant in her view that orgasm should not be pursued or avoided, but rather just let it happen if it does (which it usually does for her). We are in love though so this is not pushing us apart (or at least that I'm conscious of). I honestly can not detect much of a difference in her behavior or moods in the weeks following intercourse (aside from the occasional migraine). Although the "separation virus" does seem to manifest through schedule conflicts.

Not a situation with a lot of clear answers, as I'm aware of. I really appreciated everyone sharing their thoughts though. This community is very inspiring!