Desperately Need Help

Submitted by Addicteed89 on
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Hello everybody,

I am a 22 year old student with a horrible sex life. I started wathcing porn at the age of 12 but back then it was just some pics or a plyboy magazine. After that until i was 18 i was watching dvds on my computer but it was nothing unusual or something that i ws doing every day. I just always liked porn. Back then i remember my erections were super hard and i could last as long as i wanted. In general i believe that i had way more sexual energy than my friends but i just wasn that good with girls. just some kissing or handjob etc. never sex. I went to hookers two or three times the first time just a blowjob at 16 i wasnt 100% hard maybe about 80% and i didnt ejaculate, the other time i had sex with again an 80% erection but i still didnt come. I believe that it was just performance anxiety. At the age of 18 i got a computer with a high speed connection and thats when all the bad things started. heavy porn use almost everyday from 18-19 many times a day until 4 months ago. I started having extreme anxiety without a reason didnt have alot of friends, smoking alot of weed and trying many other drugs, feeling all the time depressed, didnt like life, sometimes suicidal thoughts or just thoughts that i want to go away somewhere else. I didnt know what was causing all this staff i thought it was drugs and i never thought that masturbation could make me feel so bad. I lost many oportunities with girls that friends told me that were into me i lost friendships because i had friends who were going out looking for chiks and i didnt want because of my ''problem''. I wento to a prostitute another time and i ejaculate within 15 seconds from blowjob and i wasnt even semi hard. I remember that i could make myself ejaculate from porn within seconds with a semi hard if i wanted to. Then i tried to find what caused my premature ejaculation problem and i started googlin differemt sites. I found one site that suggested that i should cut masturbation emediately. I tried to stop it but it was difficult. At the same time i met a girl which was not exactly what you want for a relationship. But i said fak it its not that bad if you cant do it, ok embarassment etc but you have to do it sometime. I stopped masturbation and porn right after i found ybop. I was kind of avoiding sex with her because i knew that i couldnt perform. My reboot sucked the first two weeks were horrible almost crying for no reason feeling super depressed suicidal thougths and staff. In the first two weeks for a couple of times i took viagra because i was afraid that i wouldnt perform well she just gave me oral. i was about 75-80 % erect and i believe that it was just the pill. didnt ejaculate. I had 3-4 wet dreams i masturbated one or two times in the first two months just thinking of her and some dirty texting. i orgasmed from oral 3-4 times with her, All this in the first 2,5-3 months. In general i had days i was feelling very good like i was superman and other days where i felt horrible usualy after an o. After i told my girl what i was going through she understood me and told me that she will stay with me as long as i want she doesnt have problem with our sex. The trouth is that she had her issues and wanted to cheng her relationship with sex. She was easy with sex and haa had many many many partners before me.( i know because i asked). after 60-65 days with no porn at all i felt that i should try to have sex. Erections came up kind of easy but where always at 80% never really hard and i had premature ejaculatio issues.( I cant last more than 1-2 minutes) every time we are going to do it its always like that. The only good sign was 5 days ago where i had a 95% erection almost 100% out of nowhere and we had sex for like 5 minutes. It was way more healthy and natural than the other times but i dont know how it happened. maybe i was more relaxed idont know. 2 days ago was just as the others 80% erection and pe. I am at about 100-105 days without porn and i dont even want to see. i had 3-4 wet dreams m-o 2 times and orgasm with girlfriend a few times maybe about 10-15. I dont have morning woods maybe some but very weak and go in two minutes. Iknow that orgasm set me back but i cant tell her to not do anything for another month. She says that she loves me but i know that there is no way sh is going to stay with me with my horrible sex performance. I still have days where i dont feel good at all. I have to admit that i am doing way better no suicidal thoughts started activities met a lot of people in the last 3 months. I feel that i kind of start to live life again, but i believe that my reboot is taking tooooo dammnnnn longggg. What else can i do. I want to have a normal sex life. Sorry for the long post , sorry for my english.
oufffffffff i just said things that i had in me for a long time.
Please tell me what else i can do you have already helped me alot.

you've been doing great

You have been doing great. You have had some decent intercourse. And you've gotten away from porn. What an accomplishment.

The key to recovery and being 100% "normal" is to do a lot of bonding. A lot of cuddling, snuggling, holding hands. What we call bonding behaviors. These reprogram the brain and fill your brain with good oxytocin which helps you feel better all around, and that will help you feel less anxious about everything including sex.

The key is that you are doing better over time. Every day won't be better. Some days will be worse, but in general, it seems you are heading in the right direction.

If you do a lot of bonding with your girlfriend, she won't want to leave you. She'll be very into you. And what you can always do, is give her an orgasm through oral and then have intercourse afterwards and if you don't last long, big deal. You don't want to have this pressure on yourself. The combination of bonding behaviors and taking the pressure off, this is magic.

Thanks for the quick reply

Thanks for the quick reply
Gotten awy from porn was very easy for me. As long as i found out that porn is the majorfactor causing my problem i stopped. As for the bonding cuddling snuggling holding hands things this is what i have been doing for almost every day with my girl we ve been together three + months and we had some kind of sex or oral etc just about 15-16 times. If you consider that we see each other almost every day thats very little.All the other time we are kissing and staff. I am not saying that i dont like it but it gets a bit boring some times and well what can i say i just want to have sex after or before that. I dont know what to do now should i try to have sex with her again any time soon or should i leave it for 10-15 days. As i wrote before she is a girl with high sex drive and shes been having sex tree years non stop. I find it very strange that she still stays with me probably she really likes me because i treat her good but no matter what some believe no matter how good you are in oral or being good and taking care for your girl if you are not good in bed or at least average she will dump you after a while. I dont think that i will be too sad if she breaks up with me or hooks up with another guy. I do have feelings for her but if it wasnt for my problem i wouldnt be with her for that long. Its like i dont want to break up with her sometimes at least not before i i am almost completely ok and some other times i just dont want to see her any more. If you take into consideration the ups and downs that a reboot has (mine were severe) i dont know how i still got my mind straight. In general i feel way better than 5 months ago thats for sure but i want my healthy erections back. I dont remember a single day where i didnt have a morning wood and now i dont remember when was the last time i had one. Bonding and kissing definately helped me but i want something more. I try not to think about this alot but it is easier said than done. I ve tryed so much these three months and i know what others experience when i read this forum because ive been through all this the hard way. I just feel sometimes that i am getting close but then i feel that i am again flatlining. I think tha my premature ejaculation thing is making things way worse because it would be good to have long sex even at least with an 75% erection but i know that it is caused by my addiction wich from what i understand is still playing tricks with my mind. I just dont know what else to do. Please any other suggestion ?
Thanls alot!!

Well thats a difficult

Well thats a difficult question. Maybe there are too many for somenone going through a reboot.
I started the reboot late february i didnt orgasm that month. On march i orgasmed about 2-3 times only with my girfriend and 1-2 wet dreams. On April and May until now (29) I had one wet dream 1 MO with fintasizing about my girl and about 10-15 orgasms with my girl from oral or intercourse. Are these too many? I always tried to not orgasm everyday. Now its been 3 days since my last o. I had a morning wood today about 60% and didnt last long. Should i try to stop orgasms for a long period?
My penis looks fuller and healthier now almost all the time but there are still a few times where it feels dead( you know like i ve been swimming in the sea). Should it try stop orgasms? I dont know if i am going throuth the chaser effect anymore. Maybe just some bad thoughts the next day but usually about me pe problem not my well being.

Please i want this to be over, I dont know what else to do.
Thanks alot for all your help and support. ybop has changed my life!!!!

Well apparently

YBOP hasn't changed your life quite enough yet. Wink

Yeah, it might be worth knocking off the orgasm for a couple of weeks. Snuggle as much as you can though. Skin to skin contact is great. Just tell her to keep her great foreplay skills to herself for a couple of weeks and see if you notice improvements.

pffffff. What i didnt want o

pffffff. What i didnt want o hear. Probably she is going to dump me but what can you do? I am just afraid that even if i stop for two more weeks the results might not be what i want but its ok. I am never going back to that porn masturbation habit.
Thanks for all i will post again if i see some imorovments!!!!

I agree with Marnia...

Tell your girlfriend what you want to do, ask if she is willing to support you with your plan.

You might be surprised... you say that she has a high sex drive (perhaps based on your knowledge that she was very sexually active for three years). But maybe she is getting tired of lots of meaningless sex and is happy to have _less_ sex now. Maybe she has started to suspect that sex isn't what keeps relationships together. A woman on this forum (Zia?) observed that her relationships always went great until sex entered the picture. Maybe your girlfriend likes Y-O-U, not just your penis. Maybe she likes hanging out with you, not just having sex with you.

Ask her if she would be interested in sleeping with you, without sex on the agenda. Just cuddling and sleeping together can be pretty darn nice. With sex not on the agenda, you can just relax and enjoy yourselves. See http://www.reuniting.info/node/7970

About the PE, it may be that you are moving too much. Ask your girlfriend if, the next time you decide to have sex, you can try a slower, gentler kind of sex, where you don't try to give her an orgasm, and you won't try to have an orgasm yourself. That's called karezza, and some of us on this forum actually prefer it over conventional sex (where orgasm is the goal).

Good luck, hope you and your girlfriend have a wonderful time together!

Thanks for the advice,

Thanks for the advice,
I have discussed with her about my reboot and she says that she understans me. She told me what you wrote that she is tired of meaningless sex and she now finaly tries to understand that sex doesnt mean relationship as she thought all this time something that made her depressed because all the guys she was with dumped her, or treated her like shit. She also told me that she doesnt care about my sexthing and she can wait as long as i want.
I am not sure if she trully believes what she says but i kind of trust her. Now on my pe thing the times we had sex when i was doing the start stop method because i didnt want to finish she told me that she was bothered by it and she prefered that it was better for her to last 1 minute rather than 5 minutes with this start and stop, she also told me thaat she likes hard sex etc etc and thats is something that i cant give her at the moment. She tells me that she likes sleeping with me cuddling with me the most and she doesnt care about sex, but sometimes i see that she needs it so much nomatter what she says to me. We both live with our parents so we dont have a place to stay and be comfortable naked. in parks or at a friends house or outside in general you can never feel that much relaxed.Anyway i havent seen porn for 100+ days the cravings are way down maybe even non existant most of the time. Being withfriends and meating new people every day helped me the most. I will stay away from orgasms for 10 more days right now its been 4-5 days since my last orgasm and i will try the next time not to move move too much during sex.
I feel more and more that i am almost there to the end of my complete reboot and i am just happy.
Thank you all for you support and interest!!!!

You're lucky to have such a

supportive girlfriend. I bet the two of you can come up with other ways of producing orgasm in her if you really put your minds to it.

Also, keepin mind that she may have less need for "hard sex" as she has less of it. Her sensitivity may be changing. Hard sex is like extreme porn in some ways. It can desensitize the person to normal sex and it becomes a downward spiral. Is she using a vibrator? That can also drive a need for more intense stimulation. For more: Vibrators and Other Pleasures: When 'Moderation' Fails

It really does sound like you're getting near the finish line. Just be patient and allow your body/brain to finish adjusting.

 

Things are kind of

Things are kind of complicated or i make themw complicated. I know that i am lucky to have a supportive girlgriend, but my concern is that she might have other guys to have sex with and then she comes to me for the snuggling and kissing. I havent seen or suspect anything its just bad thoughts coming from her past wich is full of degrading stories( she was a complete slut) i dont want to talk for her like this but its true. The truth is that i understood that from the beggining of our relationship and i tried not to have feelnigs for her but that didnt happen. I love her and i have very strong emotions for her because she is the first person i am that closed to.

When i give her oral she loves it but she tells me that after that she wants to have sex. She is not using a vibrator. As for the hard sex i will try to be normal with her and only if i see that she is dissapoinetd i will go for the hard staff( if i havent already finished).I cant say that i am using her for my reboot i really like her its just kind weird all these thoughts in my mind. I will just continue with focus on my reboot and i will have sex with her only if i feel 90-100% erect.

I just hope that i will be almost completely cured within the next month and post somewhere my reboot for other users to read(at ybop) to give them hope.

THANK YOU AGAIN SOOOO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR HELP!!!!!
I will never stop to thank you. My life is going way better now on everything.I love you all !!!!!! :) :)

People do change, you know

Sometimes the best way to learn is the hard way, and she may have learned she'd prefer relationship to casual sex.

Anyway, it's great you're enjoying each other so much, even if things aren't quite perfect yet.  *fingers crossed*

Thanks for the heart!

I have an update.

I have an update.
I abstained from mo and sex for extra 15-16 days. Two days ago i tried to masturbate i edged and lost it( still have pe even at masturbating).The next day i woke up feeling very anxious probably because i had exams but i was extremely anxious. After the exams where i failed i told my girl to come to my house because i was alone and i was astill varey anxious. She gave me head.it was just like all the other time kind of weak erection like 70-80 %.
Later we talked she told me that she doesnt like me talking about my problem she doesnt care that much about the problem but she hates it when i talk about it. We went out saw some friends and she came back at my house to sleep. During the night while we were cuddling i started having an erection which was almost 100 %. We went to do it even thow she was on her period while she was on top of me i started losing erection after 2-3 minutes and we changed to doggie where i lasted 1-2 minutes. I dont know if there is any progress. It was almost like the first time we spent a night in a house together (day 75). Very few improvements.
Right now i dont know if it is my stress that causes ed or i am still hooked on masturbqation. I havent seen porn for about 120 days and i dont even care or want to see. I MO 2-3 times all this time. It is just that i get anxious about ed and pe. It is very hard for me not to think about it.I think that i am almost done wtih my reboot and now my concers are about sex performance. i dont know what to say it was a weird day. i talked alot with her telling that i love her ,looking at her eyes, she said the same... Damn women can make you feel many things.
I dont know what to do my mood still has some ups and downs i am more relaxed, but i am not done with my problem yet my reboot is taking tooo long. I will never edge or masturbate again. I wll orgasm only with my girl. Do you have any other suggestions that might help me with my problem??

well sure I do!

Most important suggestions are these:

Learn to appreciate that it's all a process

There isn't any destination here.

There is no "you're there now you've arrived and you're done."

And it took you a long time for your brain to get messed up with porn and masturbation and now it will take time to get straightened out.

Rebooting is great, and there is also rewiring. And you're doing fine with that, sounds to me. I mean, you are having sex. What if you had never had sex before, and you had two minutes of intercourse? You might be happy, right? The issue now is your mind. It is telling you "you should be further along by now" and that isn't true.

You are making progress. It is always a bit of up a bit of down and more up than down overall. And that's what you are describing.

Start aiming more to bonding behaviors

The more cuddling and snuggling and hand holding and eye gazing you do, without goals, the more oxytocin builds up and the less goal focused you'll be. You'll become more relaxed. And that will make the whole performance game less important. And when it's less important, you perform better. Paradox, but true.

And do bonding as much as you can, for at least three weeks, every day if possible, for at least half an hour, an hour is better.

Stop measuring and monitoring and testing

Get off the "measure your erection is it 82.5% no it's 74.3% and it should be 23.4% harder than last time" trip. Just focus on NON performance. 

Focus on relaxing your perineum during sex

Move your focus to RELAXING your perineum. This is the muscles you exercise with kegels and probalby some others. Meditate on this area for a few days, get to know it. When you are having sex, focus your attention there. Let your penis do whatever it wants to do, you focus your mind there and relax that area.

Relaxing this area will help you with PE and everything else. It will let you bring pleasure up into your body from just your genitals. It will give your mind something valuable to do while your body does what it knows how to do and doesn't need your mind to do.

Trust your penis - it knows best

What if you weren't supposed to have an erection at x time? What if your penis ALWAYS knows best?

Well it does. Whatever it is, get comfortable with that. Be cool with that.

Your girlfriend hates for you to stress out over your penis. She's not stressing out. You are. So stop it. Trust your penis. Be really comfortable with it whatever it is doing.

You and she can look at it together and marvel at its independence. One thing's for sure in this world: no man controls his penis. Any more than a man controls his thoughts. The penis does what it does, and you and she can just watch and marvel and be cool with whatever.

That is what makes sex really fun and will in the long run make it a non-issue for you.

I have an update( about7

I have an update( about7 months in the reboot)

Well i wish i could start saying that i am completely cured but NOPE.
I am still with my girfriend we had some very nice together but not all the time.I dont know where to start from.
As for porn and addiction i diddnt watch any until 3 weeks ago where i started watching almost every day without masturbating, but it definately it wasnt good. I am not going to watch porn again even if i feel completely cured.
I am going through different phases all this time. Sex feelings friends but in a different way from when i started. The good thing is that i completely forgot about some things that bothered me during the reboot like chaser effect and some others i had completely forgoten. I never masturbated during all this time. I was not thinking about libido which sometimes was high someothers didnt exist i stopped thinking about how i was feeling everyday.Somedays i was ok some others not that good but i think thats normal.
One bad thing that i stopped doing is being very social and meeting new people but that was because i was spending alot fo time with my girl and didnt feel the need to meet new people but i think that thats wrong.
One other bad thing is that i relied on the pills to have sex. I was using viagra and levitra and i had some very good sex alot of times other times i finished fast. Without the pill i had some sex with good erection but didnt last long. I see that without the sex i am able to have sex but not alot of times or with very good erection.

In general i am being way better than the days where i was masturbating way way better. I still have many problems with sex erection pe my girlfriend bla bla, right now that i am writing i am i would say in a bad mood, but bad moods and feeling like shit nowadays feels way better than what it felt the last years or even at the start of the reboot. I think that i should stop taking pills or just not almost every time that i am having sex. Something that i have notice is that when i feel good sex is way better and the times that i am not that much in the mood sex is probably going to be bad even with pills. I would like some extra advice if you want to tell me anything that is going to help me more. I dont know if i am ever going to fully reboot i believe that as time goes by i am being better overall. I think that because i was so addicted for 5 years and was always masturbating prone i am having some of the tuffest reboot. I am not advising peple to take pills i know that it is rediculous a 22 year old healthy man to take viagra to have sex but from not having any at least i have some very good sex with tese pills.
I dont know if i helped anyone i just wanted to tell you where i am at after all those months. Please guys stop masturbating if you want to make your sex life better, Mine got from non existant to at least having some and sometimes great sex. i still believe that finding ybop was one of the best days of my life and changed alot of things positive. Stay strong always stay positive get out make new friends have new hobbies STOP M and your life is going to be better in a few months.
PEACE TO ALL!!!!

Well her i am again. pfffffff

Well her i am again. pfffffff.
Its been one year plus since i last posted something. Things actually improved a lot and i think thats why i stopped posting here.I kept taking pills when having sex but not as often as i used to. I am still with my girlfriend and things are going quite good.
Now as for my addiction after lots of months from abstaining from porn and masturbating i started watching again. At first i was just watching without masturbating but then i relapsed. I believe that that happened because i went with my girlfriend on vacation on August and had succesful sex 7 times in 6 days without taking pills or whatever and also having very good erections overall.I think that these last months i was normal at having sex just couldnt do it alot of times in a day and more than a few times i had also pe problems.But i was not thinking much about how good or bad the sex is going to be iwas just having sex. That made me think that i was completely cured and maybe i was, im not sure.
So i started watching porn and the last month i started also masturbating. The result is that i had again problems with sex after lots of months i became lazy again i dont want to go out that much, i have bad mood for no reason etc etc. Well we all know where this comes from.
Sorry for my english.
What i want to do know is try to post here regularly so that i cant give an extra motivation to my self to stop this addiction. I kinda feel that i stopped my addiction in the past, you know i won this ''war'', but know i a m facing the same problems. I know that i can win again.
Well thats all for me now. Its 4/11/2013 and to me is day 1 again. I believe that it will not take me again 8-9 months to see big improvements but i know i need some time. The only sexual release is going to be with my girl.

Thank you all for reading and your help so far. cheers!!!!!! :)

It's funny

You guys are so desperate to fix your dicks that you would sell your souls...and then after they recover...you kill them again.

Do you understand now that you are "allergic" to internet porn? If your brain made you impotent from watching it once it will again...eventually...every time. There's no free lunch. You're never "cured" in the sense that you will be impervious to its harmful effects.

Wonder how many times you'll have to repeat this to "get it?"