26 No P / 17 No PMO
Today was nice! I went out with the girl I'm seeing and my brother, and I told her that I had feelings for her. We had been seeing eachother casually, but she would occasionally go out on dates and such. She was always honest about - and told me that she just went out for coffee. So, I guess we were friends with benefits. Anyway, I'm starting to have real feelings for her, but I was afraid to tell her about. I thought she just wanted a thrill/attention from me. I was afraid if I told her that I liked her, she would just go away because I felt vulnerable for saying it. But I couldn't stand to hear about her seeing other guys. Anyway, I went out and told her how I felt - and she feels the same way! She told me that she really liked me and that she just assumed I was with her to just have fun. She said that I surprised her b/c she thought I had other girls I was seeing. I'm glad I did - it felt so nice to be honest. I hate keeping that stuff bundled up. We as guys are sometimes trying to avoid being the "nice" guy - the one who loses. I've always been afraid of being this guy. However, she and others told me that I'm not a push-over like that. So I learned a lesson. If I have feelings for a girl, I'm just going to tell her. Why hide it? Why play games? I don't care. I'd rather know for sure than be unsure. So this was huge. I also have started to understand what "connect" feels like.
So today, I saw her again - and I felt nervous - like how you feel when you're around someone who like. This is weird to me, because we've already been physical with eachother. But today I had a little thickness in my throat when I talked to her. I haven't had this feeling in a long time.
I've noticed that with women before, I would be afraid of getting too close to them. I don't know why. I had pre-conceived ideas about what the girl should look like, etc. And at the heart of it, I was afraid of it. But now, I don't feel that way. This girl isn't the most attractive girl I've been with, but I feel so attracted to her. I like the feeling. This might not even last very long, but I do enjoy feeling this way. Like the other day, I saw her and she wasn't wearing makeup. I still felt attracted to her though. I feel like sometimes it's not necessary. She wasn't wearing anything hot or tight, but I felt really turned on while next to her - when she smiled or laughed, etc. Again, this is a girl I've seen since I've started this reboot - and you could read how this has progressed. In the beginning I was in it for sex. But, since I already knew I couldn't keep it up to do it (and she was down for that), I put it off. But now, I want to be around her (and yes, have sex too). I was always afraid of being judged for not being with a hot girl (yes, this was shallow), but now I just don't care. I keep thinking "well, this is who I like right now, what's wrong with that?"
I noticed that I can hold eye contact much better - and that I'm more attentive to others around me. For example, I volunteered to help my family with cooking all the food for a birthday party. That's something I normally would never do. Everyone commented how they were shocked I was doing this. And I wanted to do it! I don't feel 100% yet socially speaking, but I'm starting to feel real improvements.
I was out with my brother today, and he commented how it's not normal for me to point out how hot girls around me are. I was walking in the store, and saw cute girls here and there - it was nice. Again, I don't feel like jumping on them and talking, but I feel more attracted to them now.
This morning I had some wood - I think it's about 75%. And I just think about the girl I'm seeing - how it would feel to have sex with her. But the fantasy wasn't about the thrusting - I kept thinking about touching and feeling.
Anyway, things are not 100% yet, but they're definately getting there. Weird, but just two days ag I was going through some hard stuff - and I even doubted this girl would even want to be with me. But now I feel I can be honest with myself emotionally. And I've also realized that I didn't know how to do that before. I'm actually learning what this means right now! And I'm starting to feel free.
I've also noticed that I get joy/happiness when I see my nieces - normally, I just ignore them, but now I feel happy for them being there - like their precious little smiles and stuff. I also went to coffee this afternoon with my mom and brother - I've never done with before. I was even hungover! But I enjoyed being there with them!