My boyfriend and I started our karezza adventure a year ago, and I am frustrated because *I* still feel like an amateur. I thought that it would be harder for him, and somehow it's been harder for me. I am the one who has a problem with getting over-heated, having accidental orgasms, etc. He is going on two months now since his last orgasm, and me... I'm going on one day. I always get close to two weeks without an orgasm or a little over it (the most I went was a month and a half... and what a blissful month and a half it was!) but then I fall short and disappoint myself once again. I want so badly to be at that blissful state of mental/emotional/relational stability that comes with karezza!
I. am. so. frustrated.
The most recent fall off was last night. We were a few days into "rebooting"... no kissing.. sleeping in underwear.. you get it. He fell asleep while I stayed awake reading (Bust magazine... I think I should avoid it from now on... they have an erotic written piece every month...) and I got to feeling uncontrollably horny. I woke him up and.. well.. it ended in an orgasm. But not one of those "I'm GOING FOR IT!" orgasms... but an "OH NO! I am too close! Oh shit... fuck.." Luckily I don't feel as shitty after an accidental orgasm... but I still don't feel good.
I feel frustrated. I feel uncontrollable. I feel disappointed in myself. I feel like my heart is battling my body... and my body likes to convince my mind to be on it's team a lot, which sends me back into the loss of control-frustration-disappointment cycle.
I know where I am making mistakes most of the time, but for some reason, I keep making these same mistakes. Or WE keep making these mistakes. For instance, oral sex.. I love it so much.. it's so hard to give up. And the way that we have sex isn't "slow" enough like I have read from others, but I love the sex that we have (physically) but have been recently feeling that it is lacking (emotionally). Also, I fail at rebooting completely.
I don't know what I'm looking for here, sharing this. I guess I'm venting, but I'm also reaching out for help. I don't know what that help is... but maybe some advice, maybe some "I've been there and I overcame it"... I don't know. Help, that's for sure. I don't know how to move past the frustration and disappointment into discipline and peace.
We are starting the reboot process over again. I am so afraid to fail again.