Got to over 100 days orgasm free but back in the thick of addiction

Submitted by lovelace on
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I posted a while ago about trying to reach 90 days being orgasm free. I managed to get to over 100 days and life was great. My energy was fantastic and my moods much much better.

However my partner and I were talking about having another baby, and I started having orgasms during sex. We're not really trying full speed ahead for a baby but thought we'd just not 'be careful', and if she became pregnant then that would be great.

Since then we've thought it through again and put 'trying' on hold, but I'm now right back in my addictive patterns. It only took a couple of orgasms and all the urges to look at porn returned with gusto. I managed to reach two weeks without orgasm last week, but I had 'hot' sex with my partner and had a orgasm again. Today I looked and masturbated to porn and feel right back in it.

I've read 'Cupid's Poisoned Arrow' and agree with the content 100%. However my partner doesn't buy into it much, or isn't really bothered with it. She likes her orgasms a lot and actually appears much more affectionate and closer after we've made love. So after much observation it seems she is genuinely not particularly affected by orgasm. However for me it's a major major problem due to my many years of sexual addiction. I need to stop without doubt.

Therefore my conclusion is that I need much longer than 100 days to reboot, and a lot of inner work as well. My partner is open to the Ecstatic Exchanges (as long as she has her orgasms at least once a week (approximately)) but I will have to take a very strong lead.

I must make it clear that my partner is a loving and wonderful woman. She's just not into the Karezza way of thinking, and she really is not the problem. Even after orgasm she's loving, tolerant and kind.

In essence though, and overall, I'm not getting a huge amount of support in my quest to be orgasm free. Even my therapist who I'm seeing to address childhood issues that led to the addiction, and is normally very good, said my approach to be orgasm free seemed twisted. Which was a tad discouraging.
Therefore I wanted to post to hopefully hear some feedback, and potential encouragement, if possible.

Tomorrow: Day 1

Many thanks,
Lovelace

I think you'd benefit from

reading some of Virgil's posts. Here is one of them:

http://www.reuniting.info/node/4125

He says his wife isn't affected by orgasm either. On the other hand, some women definitely are...as new research has shown:An epidemiological survey of post-coital psychological symptoms in a UK population sample of female twins.

(Links are acting weird today due to site construction.)

Your therapist can't help saying the concept is "twisted." That's how s/he was trained. No researchers were even thinking  of looking into to this when s/he was in school. And almost none have even since then. In fact, without any science to back it up, they were taught that there can never be any such thing as too much orgasm, and that if someone has an issue it's not neurochemical but psychological. Nonsense.

There are historical reasons for this oversight: The Wages of Sexual-Addiction Politics.  If your therapist is open to learning something new: The Passion Cycle

Have you read the chaser article? Do You Need A Chaser After Sex?

Let us know how you get on.

PS I find orgasm has more of an affect down the road, even during the second week. Not right away.

If your partner continues to

If your partner continues to have orgasms and doesn't feel affected now, just make sure you keep what you've both learned in the back of your mind, and bring it out if she does start to lose interest with sex or get irritated, needy, clingy, whatever in the future, especially after you have a baby together. I say that from experience in hopes of preventing more parents from losing that precious bond that makes parenting that much easier.

I'm on this journey and

my wife is having an occasional orgasm. But I'm not. She's pretty open to Karezza and is trying not to orgasm. But it's an interesting and wonderful journey. I think it's amazing even if she has her orgasms. It's still incredible. Of course you'll have to ejaculate if you want to make a baby.

I am keeping a journal and I am seeing if orgasms really make a difference for my wife. So far the jury is still out but I have noticed effects right after.

I want to learn this subject inside out..

This may be my perfectionist streak coming to the fore but this whole subject fascinates me, and I'd like to learn it thoroughly.

Thank you for all your replies, that has really helped me.

Marnia - your conviction is inspiring. Ever since I used to read Taoists texts as a teenager I knew there is something in not having an orgasm (but still being engaged sexually). After years of sex addiction, I believe in Karezza and it's power to heal absolutely.
I've started reading Gary's site again YBOP and for some reason it appeals to me much more than it used to. I think previously I read sections about guys going from porn users to pick up artists (or at least that's how it appeared), and it put me off somewhat. However I'm going through the material again and it's great stuff.
Currently I pay around $50 per month using a program called Candeo. The people there are very nice but I'm thinking I can get everything I need from Gary's site (if I navigate it well, sometimes all that information can get overwhelming).
On Candeo they talk about FRC - Face it, Replace it, Connect. I wonder if Gary has read about this and has an opinion on it? I'll ask him directly but thought I'd mention here as it doesn't seem to come up as a way to overcome porn urges. Which for me is encouraging as it often feels very formulaic.

Anyway, thanks again everyone, I'll check in again.

Our view is that guys

will make their own choices after they recover. That's beyond our purview, and we don't judge their choices - although some choices make us scratch our heads more than others. wink  We've tried to include a range of rebooting accounts for that reason.

We figure the guys at this site will choose if they wish to experiment with karezza or not.

I've heard about it - a lot

I see candeo all over the place. The guy who runs Feed the Right Wolf website got his start there. I have no opinion on it as I know nothing about their program. I really have no opinion on any method. My philosophy is "do what works".

Damn

After 90 days, I don't think I could ever imagine relapsing. I'd hang myself if I had to go through 90 days of no sex again.

I agree,

thanks Marnia and Gary - "do what works" and whatever guys choose to do afterwards is of course up to them. Candeo is good, however it's also inspiring to know that guys have broken free in various ways. There are many paths to the same destination (of which I am of course paraphrasing).

Justice - don't hang yourself. You'll never recover then Wink Seriously though, whatever it takes - though I wasn't abstaining from sex, just orgasm.
And in the grand scheme of things, even without sex, 90 days is nada.