HOCD and being ashamed

Submitted by smur1997 on
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I am 17 years old and suffer from OCD. I am straight in my mind and have never liked any guys, but every now and then I masturbate to the images of guys, even people I know in real life. I think masturbating to guys may make me feel like i am doing something wrong and that is why it is a turn on for me. Anyways, this is has been eating at me for a few months now as to why I sometimes masturbate to guys even though I classify myself as straight. I look it up online often and apparently these are common symptoms of HOCD. I lose sleep and cannot pay attention in school because I am constantly thinking about this. I only have one specific fantasy that I use for guys. I am very submissive to them and they force me to blow them. It turns me on because I get turned on by stronger girls and apparently even guys beating me up. I also feel ashamed of these fantasies because it makes me feel weak and unmanly that I did these things. I look at my future and cannot see myself marrying now because of being ashamed about this. I have lost direction in life because I feel like no matter what I do in life, this will always be in the back of my mind. I am becoming depressed in a way (but not suicidal) from this.

Please give any advice because I do not know what else to do.

Any kind of OCD can be miserable

You may even need meds.

Shame and attraction to the anxiety-producing also seem to drive HOCD. Watch this to understand what's going on in your stimulation-hungry brain: Adolescent Brain Meets Highspeed Internet Porn | Your Brain On Porn

You can read more about why here:

I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn. What's up? | Your Brain On Porn

Exposure Therapy for HOCD? | Your Brain On Porn


Remember, brains are plastic. You are always training your brain. Whatever you reinforce with sexual arousal becomes more "wired" into your brain with literal brain changes.

So steer for where you want to end up...not for what makes you hottest in the moment. In fact, less explosive stimulation is likely to keep your brain more sensitive to pleasure...and that will make your future sex life much more enjoyable and sustainable. Otherwise, you can end up stuck  on a treadmill of crazy fetishes...none of which will satisfy for long. 

Can You Trust Your Johnson? | Your Brain On Porn