I stopped my severe porn addiction and in a few months time, after some typical withdrawal syptoms hell opened up for me.
I felt anxious being transformed and losing all feelings i know. Completely disconnected with my life. My addiction was always directed to women in general but also very specific fetishes. Also acting out some of my fetish fantasies.
After a few months of abstinence i lost all sexual intrest in women/girlfriend incl. fetish feelings and got erections for guys. Never have a complete erection but there's only response for guys it feels like in the future it will. My identity, as a man/father has changed and every step i take and every thought seems different from before. I feel like different unknown person. There are some good effects of quiting porn but they stand in the shadow of my shocking transformation. My future en my past seemed to be rewritten and i must start all over again. This is very very scary i feel things i never have dreamt of feeling
The last few weeks it all goes very fast. I'm completely obsessed, mental checking and spent every minute and looking at fora's like these for answers. I have lot of (H)OCD symtoms but i also have erection for men and masturbate thinking of men (mostly men i know, male friends, i never felt this way before). Porn addiction is gone altought i check everyday for gay and straight porn what it does to me. But masturbating in front of a screen doesn't arouse me that much anymore. with mental checking my feelings are not only of lust but also becoming emtional and romantic. It feels like two wires have been switched. The chick bouncing on my cock and the girl i take to the cinema are guys now in my mind. at first i thought it's a joke but it won't go away and becomes stronger every day.
My BIGGEST question
Am i complete messed up by years of porn use combined with cold-turkey and did i slip in a severe form of HOCD ? It is taking very long to get back to the old me then.
Or have i been gay all along and the hetro arousal pathways, carved in my brain for decades, overrulled my true orientation and are coming to the surface. A 360 degree turn that pushed me to the brink of madness.
Love to hear some of your opinions read my history below for more info. Don't spare me cause i'm n hell already and feel like there's no way back.
I discovered sex and porn very early on in life and ever since masturbated a lot. I became very sexual. Masterbating and edging to girls and women on TV, magazines and fantasies. If i had nothing to jerk of to i drwa a women myself. loved women. When i was teenager i went to the film Licence to Kill (James Bond) and was so in love and aroused by the two bond girls. I very exciting feeling. From then on playboys and penthouse became my friends. Later on my fantasies became broader and mature women also gave me a thrill. Big breast and butts, my god how much did i loved that. I 've had a few girlfriends and i loved the fact that they were curvy. I usually had problems with sex the first few times but then when thing got going i flourished and loved it. I did not only see women as objects of lust but the precence of a women made feel very nice and behave like a true man. I found it very difficult when a relationship ended and that really got me down.
After a one breakup i had a periode of absence of hetro-feelings and fear of becoming gay. I don't know how long but it dissapeared but it was very traumatic saw a therapist for it. Internet came along and things started picking up quick. Before i knew my addiction was huge. Porn gave me relief for that stress of life and became a way of life. Looking back i see that i organised my life around porn. It cost me lost of money and stress and a waste of talent and changes. To relief this stress more porn and that became a visous circle. It was then when i developed some fetish feelings for big women (BBW) and acted them out. The more women the better this lasted for at least a decade. I decided to quit because a wanted go forward in life. I don't know if my fetish started wearing off first or i decided to quit first but the end result is that i'm totally confused and all of my histroy is gone like it's never been there.