I think I relapsed and I feel terrible that I did. I mean, I knew what I was doing and I couldn't stop, but anyways, I'll explain my whole story of why I decided to rebalance myself in the first place.
It all started in early May, me and my friend started to mess around in a sexual manner, but didn’t have sex because she wasn’t on the pill and I didn’t have a condom. Days later, we went at it again, but as she was giving me oral, she said I was flaccid, an erect flaccid, just like a couple of days before.
We still continued on and after she was done performing oral sex, we took a break because she had an appointment to go to. When she left, I ejaculated to what we were doing because I didn’t know when she was going to return. When she returned, within the hour of ejaculation, she straight up asked me if I wanted to have sex.
I had the condom this time, but decided against it as I later found out she was allergic to latex. So as we started messing around, I couldn’t get hard enough to penetrate her. I thought maybe it was because of ejaculation, but who knows.
Maybe it was a blessing in disguise not to have unprotected sex or maybe that is what deterred me, who knows? All I know is that after that, I felt that something had to be wrong with me.
This wasn’t the first time this has happened to me either, so I felt it was time to research why this happened yet again.
I began to visit sites like this one, yourbrainonporn.com, yourbrainrebalnced.com and found out that porn itself and masturbating constantly to it was the problem. I’ve been watching porn ever since I was a teenager and didn’t think of the repercussions it could have later on in life (boy, do I regret it now). Since that day, May 9th, I stopped looking at any sort of porn whatsoever and didn’t touch myself as I was thrown into a deep depression.
The good thing is that I never get any urges to look up videos or websites any longer and I am proud that it is so easy just to give up on something like that. I began keeping myself preoccupied, doing exercises, focusing on artwork, etc. I also started doing kegel and reverse kegel exercises to strengthen myself and help cure this problem.
Whenever I look at images on the internet of beautiful women they don’t turn me on instantly as before, but the one problem I found myself having is that whenever I think of my friend, I get an erection immediately because I think of the sexual acts we performed with one another.
I began edging once before today, but once I researched what I was doing messed with the process, I stopped.
I tried not thinking about her, but it’s hard not to. She was/is always on my mind, and when I think of her, it’s hard for me not to get erect.
So on day 35, today, I kept touching myself, edging myself and it led to ejaculation. It’s sad because I knew what I was doing and I kept going. The good thing was that it wasn’t because of porn, the bad is because I kept fantasizing and obviously with not masturbating for such a long time, it wasn’t going to take much.
I just feel so distraught and disappointed with myself. I am going to continue with this process, but wonder how I overcome such a situation. Was it right that I masturbated about a real girl who I’ve done things with?
I need as much tips and help that I can get. Thank you.