my reboot

Submitted by meowmeow on
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I'm currently 28 yrs old. I have masturbated since I remember. I seriously have a memory of telling my 2 years younger brother 'If you can't sleep, grind on the bed and think of naked ladies, it feels good'. I think I was six at the time. Don't know were had I seen a 'naked lady' before, but the image was there, for sure.

So, as what to say: I musturbated before I could come, and without any pornographic material. I used to fantasize a lot, spending hours at that. I always would instinctively 'edge'.

At 16, worried that I have no interest in real girls, I decided to stop masturbating. I lasted 4 months without orgasm, but I did not feel any good results, actually. Here is my theory why: although I did not come for the entirety of the four months, after some weeks I resumed firts fantasizing and the edging. I fantasized while lying on my bed, and that led automatically to grinding on it. After months of constant stimulation I could bear it no longer and came.

Fast forward. I moved to another city for my studies. I lived alone for the first time in my life, thank to lucky inheritance of a flat. I had dial-up internet, and I used the available limit during first week

of each month - on porn. I spent whole days masturbating, on porn when I could, on fantasy, when I couldn't.

Sometimes I would try to at least my 16yrs-old selfs feat, but it never went far. One change happened: I learned about non-ejaculatory orgasms and bad results of ejaculation as preached by Mantak Chia. I edged even more since. Also, I have practiced solo whole-body orgasms. They do feel much better then the squirting ones, with no sleepiness after etc.

Later, when I got into relationship with girls, I still resorted to porn for additional stimulation. I wasn't hiding it. Actually, everybody in my social circle at the time did it - girls included. They still do, probably.

The negative effects I attribute (but maybe there were other factors to them) to my masturbatory habits include:
- social anxiety
- disinterest in girls
- feelings of loneliness
- lack of drive to achieve
- passivity
- 'over-spiritualisation'
- late loss of virginity
- possibly more.

There are two things that sting the most... One girl recently told me: 'You know, back at college, all of my girl-friends had hots for you'. I did not notice any of that. I was so hooked on the shiny screen.

The second is counting the amount of time I spent on masturbation. If put together, it amounts to years of masturbation - and I have nothing to show for it.

current reboot:

Fast forward again to this year. While trying to learn more about testosterone, I find Bam. It's true what they say: knowledge is power. Armed with it, I decided to go on a no porn, no fap, no fantasy reboot. This was 21 days ago.

What happened?

I haven't watched porn since, but two days ago I relapsed with masturbation and fantasy. How it happened was that I was reading 'No more Mr. Nice Guy', recommended on this site. The author mentions 'healthy

masturbation' - that is masturbation while fully immersed in the here and now - no screen, no fantasy.I decided to give it a try. Mistake. It was boring and unsatisfying, and before I knew it, I was fantasizing. Edged some, and came.

Other circumstances are that I had sex once during this period, without any problems.

Positive effects I experienced during this reboot:
a) phisical
- deeper voice
- less backne
b) with girls:
- girls notice me (or did I simply start noticing them noticing me?)
- less desperate to meet and fuck them, but at the same time less aloof to them (aloofnes pbbly was my shield)
- I love girls! Even looking at them fills me with some kind of sweetness I only felt before when in love.
- got one night stand in a very relaxed way, without any contrived scheming to 'pick her up'
c) emotional
- mood improvements (not euphoria, though it happened one morning, but more like gradual rise of the bottom of my emotional range, not getting so sad as before)
- much less fear
- healthy aggression: don't thread on me!
d) social in general
- I actually made new friends during this 21 days - went out and connected with guys. This never happened
- I am now much more chatty, speaking with strangers etc.
e) awareness
- quitting porn made me realise what other things I am addicted to. Take a brick out of the wall, the wall crumbles. I'm looking forward to banning all other dopamine-abusing stimuli form my life. Already did with sweets, next goes alcohol, coffee, carbohydrates in general.

What next:
Now, I feel really proud of my self. I proved that porn has no power over myself, I do not need it! I am also happy to recognize how slippery the slope is (no 'healthy masturbation' for me, thank you), and that I am more hooked on fantasy then porn.

I will be counting the days again, in the format: 19+(the new count).