Okay, I've got a weird problem - one which isn't really a problem. I think most wannabe Karezza men would kill to be in my shoes. Heck, I'd kill to stay in my shoes! But first I guess I'll describe my situation:
I'm 26 years old and was (technically I am still) married to a woman. Now, ours wasn't exactly the typical love story. I always had trouble meeting women. I was anxious like nobody's business. I couldn't hold eye contact worth anything, couldn't look a woman in the eye and it was impossible to me to hold a conversation. However, I was determined I would get a girlfriend. Objectively, I kept telling myself, there was no reason I couldn't get a girlfriend. I was good-looking - or so I thought, slim - though not sportsy, smart, semi-witty and I didn't have any problems. After all, I didn't smoke or drink or did anything else really unhealthy, which in my eyes meant I should theoretically be quite the catch.
Yet all those things didn't help my confidence. But I decided I didn't care. I asked a girl out I'd been pining over for half a year. I got put on hold. Soon after that I had to run to the toilet and vomit, I was so nervous. A week later, she turned me down for good. It was my first experience with rejection. Instead of getting depressed, it made me proud. I had done something this hard and the girl hadn't been disgusted, just trying to let me down easy - even though having me wait a week was actually worse torture, she didn't know that. But hey, maybe it meant she'd really been considering me, at least!
I grew a bit bolder when university started, asking out more and more girls. I got a bit better at it. I even wrote someone a semi-love poem for creative writing class. But still I was collecting rejections. I tried internet dating and after a long time, I met my first girlfriend, who was wonderful. But after some weeks, she said we weren't working out and told me it wasn't because of my ED. I didn't really care about my ED back then, after all, I did manage to get it up at some point and I thought it was just about practice - the first few times we tried to have sex I just put it off as anxiety side-effect. I ignored the fact that I hadn't really been feeling anxious at all. In any case, I don't think ED was the cause for this relationship ending.
A week after breaking up with this girl, I met the woman who became my wife. It was a bit underwhelming, I didn't feel the emotional fireworks I usually felt with women. But I told myself that love takes many forms. And we had a lot in common and conversations were good! Sex was also good and we had a lot of it!
In the five years that followed, I slowly spiralled into a codependent relationship with her. She treated me like utter garbage, I moved in with her despite this being a bad idea, she asked me to marry her, I took her name, I did the whole housework, was going to university next to this and she kept hassling me about still getting a job on the side. She was abusive as can be, without ever getting physically violent. Still, I stayed with her and went along, thinking I was still happy to have someone, at least, since "getting a girl" had been so tough for me. I thought all relationships would turn out like this in the end, after all, honeymoon periods don't last forever.
But in the end I broke down and decided to divorce from her. I finally realized that a relationship didn't have to be like this and that I wasn't her slave.
I got a lot better when I started staying away from her. I went to our TCM doctor. I told her about various things bothering me, lack of energy, etc. and she gave me some herbal medicine. When she later asked me about the effects of that medicine, I told her I had a lot more sexual energy. When she asked what I did to deal with this energy, I told her proudly I was masturbating a lot, sometimes to pornography.
She told me that this was bad and a loss of energy and that I shouldn't masturbate so often. So I went home and masturbated.
The next day I masturbated again. The day after that, I searched on the internet a bit and found that, indeed, TCM thinks masturbation is bad. Since what the doctor had told me had always been right on the mark for me, I decided to give that a go as well. I mean, it didn't cost me anything, did it?
A while later, I discovered nofap. My eyes opened.
Four days later, my life had changed. Yes, just four days! My social anxiety wasn't just better, it was completely gone. I walked straight, was full of energy, looked everyone in the eye, women loved me, the works! Name your nofap benefit - I had it! A completely new world opened up for me! Water tasted sweet, healthy food tasted great, exercising felt like fun instead of a chore, course work became easy and fun, talking ot people became something I wanted instead of something I was forced to. I took up Yoga and Karate classes.
I was then approached by the girl who's now my girlfriend.
By that time, I'd already decided I never wanted to orgasm again. I'd happened upon Karezza and I'd found Marnia's book CPA. My pickup line for this girl was pretty much that I'd given up porn and masturbation. Yes, I'd grown that confident. That got us talking about sex pretty quickly, which was great.
She told me she wasn't a great prize in bed. She said sex always hurt her. She said she never orgasmd from intercourse, that she was self conscious about her body and that she didn't really like it all that much. With every word she spoke, I grew more and more excited. *jackpot* I thought to myself. A woman who'd never really orgasmd except sometimes rarely and when she did she didn't like it as much? A woman turned off by regular sex? She was perfect!
Our first night was magical. I had ED, but I was so charged with sexual energy from my nofap journey that every single touch by me was magical to her. After 24 hours in bed with me, she decided to break up with her then-boyfriend - despite me not getting it up.
Soon, my dick came alive as well and joined in on the fun. The first time we had sex it still hurt her, but then it was okay. Our first Karezza session was kind of underwhelming. Our second one was a bit better, our third a bit better. She was no longer experiencing any pain and seemed really excited about it, though she was still skeptical about the whole orgasm-less sex thing.
Then our fourth night happened and all doubts either of us had vanished completely. She was straddling me and we were going at it when suddenly "something" happened. I don't know how to describe this, but it was as if a switch had suddenly been turned on. We were moaning and screaming and everything was perfect. I don't know how long this went on because we lost all track of time, but it was the most amazing sex either of us had ever had.
We haven't had this exact feeling again yet, but I'm sure it'll probably return.
What I'm here to complain about now, though, is the night before last. I was giving her oral sex and I made her come. It happened really quickly, didn't even take more than a minute. I'd never made her come before. It wasn't a big orgasm, but I can't say I didn't know what I was doing. I could've stopped it but I didn't.
She didn't ask for me to stop or anything like that, but she told me after that sex after that didn't feel as good to her anymore and the next day she still told me she felt a lot less during contact with me than she usually did - though we still cuddled and it was still great.
Now I'm sitting here and I feel utterly rotten about having "stolen" this energy from her. I know this is silly, mistakes like this happen and I know I should just laugh it off. I know that if I had an orgasm at some point and be back to old brain fog and anxietyville for the next two weeks, I'd simply smile my way through and think nothing more of it, but having done this to her just makes me feel really bad? Any tips on how to get over this hangup? It just seems to me like I took so much from her just for the tiny gratification of seeing her orgasm (which, I must admit, was a huge turn-on. I got very close to the edge after seeing that and then having sex, though I was barely able to contain myself in the end, luckily)
Am I stupid for putting such importance on this? After all, making girls orgasm seems to be the life goal of most men and here I am complaining about it. What's the deal?