I have spent the last 2 weeks relapsing. First it started light with just a little porn, then today I went full on and I feel like I am right back where I started. I had gone 60 days, with no porn or internet related sex, and was on a regular but very limiting masturbation schedule that was working well for me to keep focused. At first it was very hard, then it got easier, and I actually thought I was cured. I looked back at myself just a few months before and said that was the old me, this is the new me. It felt good. But then as time went on I wasn't getting the results I wanted. My libedo had not really returned and I was getting tired of waiting. Truth is I just lost interest in trying to stay clean. And sadly, the thing is that I really don't even care that much right now.
I kind of knew this would happen, at first I am determined and strong, then I get used to being clean and forget what it was like to be addicted, then I get careless and binge, and then it's like ohhh yeah, I remember what this feels like now. I get ashamed and say I will clean up because the shame is fresh in my mind.
I know it is not good for me, but I am just not as excited to try this as I was at first. When I first gave up internet sex I was really excited about how much I thought I would change, but then when I didn't see those changes, I kinda just started to think this whole addiction thing is kinda BS. I was half assing it. I would go a few days then be like ehh what's the use. I know deep down it is not, but I'm just not really sold on it. I was not really active on the forums, I think maybe I could use some support. It was hard going through this by myself and nobody to share successes and failures with. If anyone would like a one on one support buddy or just someone to talk to, hit me up on PM.