need help with relationship sex after pmo addiction

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Submitted by alice on
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Im not exactly sure if this is the right place to post but here goes.
I am the partner of a recovering pmo addict, it has been about 8 months since the shocking discovery and this has been the hardest time of my life (lacking the hard lol).
We are both young, early twenties and I have a very high sex drive, we have been experiencing a bit of ed which he explains is anxiety.
That is very hard for me to believe as this whole ordeal has really smashed any confidence I had into tiny pieces of poo.
It would take an incredibly long time to explain the whole thing so im just going to ask for some advice on repair.
How do I help him get over the anxiety, he says its because he knows how bad I feel and he starts thinking and it just goes down.
I think its because im unattractive and boring (yes i'm a woman) as his only past relationship was incredibly dirty including his porn use and in that relationship he wasnt going down all the time.
Every time it happens its like im being shot right in the confidence, I know that I shouldn't feel this way but i'm just so depressed, I just wish I could be good enough.
Should we not be having sex?
I thought it may be a good idea for us to go a month without and we went two weeks, I just enjoy pleasing him and being close but if no sex for a while will help us I will do it.
I have read countless articles and forums but I cant see a cure, I just want to have a fun and healthy sex life with him.
Im too scared to wear sexy lingerie or even go down on him because im worried ill scare him and he'll get worried.

This is common, and it can be overcome

Being a recovering porn addict myself, my wife and I have gone though something very similar and come out the other side. What you are facing is not easy, but I hope you choose to look at it as an opportunity. Let me explain.

ED problems are extremely rare in young men except when they are related to excessive use of porn. From everything I have read, and from personal experience, quitting the porn and masturbation heals the ED. It can take some time, but it will work. Have a look at and watch the videos (together). You'll learn a lot.

I quit porn over a year ago. Our sex life has improved to the point where it's now better than when we first got together (over 20 years ago). I never imagined it could be so good. I think that without having gone through the addiction and subsequent recovery (with all of the research and learning I did as a result), we would be putting up with an ordinary, hum-drum married sex life as many couples do.

That's the opportunity.

Has he completely quit porn? If so, his ED should resolve with enough time. As for the anxiety, I can also speak from personal experience that I had that problem too. I found it helpful for a while to focus less on the erection and penetration, and more on just bonding with my wife and exchanging loving touch in a very relaxed way, with no performance expectations. Once we did that for a while, my anxiety went away and I was back to normal.

Think about joining this forum

You can help by not putting sexual performance pressure on him to try to validate your sexiness. See Boyfriend Quitting Porn? 5 Tips | Your Brain On Porn Get him well, and he can make it all up to you later.  Biggrin

Also think about this approach to sex in the meantime, as it may speed his healing: Karezza is for addicts (too)

Good luck. You are not competing with porn. Porn has temporarily messed up his brain. Don't mix these two issues up.

He has completely stopped, he

He has completely stopped, he think it was a lot easier for him to stop because he had me. That could be a good or bad thing as he has still been having orgasms the whole time.
Its difficult for us to try karezza, we tried once and it didn't work at all.. on his part.
He also didn't have ed until I found out about his problem, it started about a month after and is getting less but its a real pain when it does happen.
Thankyou for your advice.

What about trying again

with virtually no movement the first few times? Just treat it as a mutual mediation. This book even recommends something called "soft entry." Tantric Sex For Men.RICHARDSON Cutting back on orgasm can really help speed the rewiring, and if he has already made some progress it should get easier to take a time out.

Also, some guys who never had ED with porn experience a flatline with ED during recovery. There are major neurochemical shifts during recovery from any addiction, and they can show up lots of ways. I mention this because it's possible he never has had "performance anxiety" except in a superficial form related to the unnerving process of recovery.

Have you also read this article? Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause A Hangover? | Your Brain On Porn

Even without the porn challenge, human sexuality is more complicated than we thought.

Yeah, I think we should try a

Yeah, I think we should try a brewk from orgasm for a while.
Yes I've read that one, he doesn't have issues like that. I think we are lucky that he has sorted himself out at a young age where he only had this addiction for a short time and didn't too anything TOO out of the ordinary.
Before we were together he was in a long term sexual relationship where there were no issues as far ad ed unless he was ridiculously intoxicated.

I can see why that would be unnerving

for you both.

But I've been listening to men recover for ~8 years. The older ones had often used porn for years with no ED. Then the tube sites showed up and they had ED issues, and delayed ejaculation issues creep in. Since we don't use porn, it was several years before the guys figured out what had changed...based on what we were sharing about how brain plasticity works.

Did you read these?

Are Porn Tube Sites Causing Erectile Dysfunction? | Your Brain On Porn

Young Porn Users Need Longer To Recover Their Mojo | Your Brain On Porn

As previously stated, ive

As previously stated, ive read a lot of articles and forums, have already read the ones attatched.
He visited this site and yourbrainonporn himself and ended up crying because he had realized what he had done to our relationship.

Hi alice,

Hi alice,

I'm full of hope for you two. It seems like you care about each other an awful lot and are communicating well.

I think key to helping him shed his anxiety is for you to be playful, loving, and unconcerned about whether or not he has an erection. Seriously, you can still show a lot of love and have a great time without one. The soft entry idea is a great one, among other things.

But I understand how him having an erection is deeply tied to whether we as women feel desirable enough. But that's just socio-cultural conditioning. It's ok to base your worth on other things and measure his love for you in other ways.

I feel like the erection is just an "indicator light." Sometimes bulbs or fuses burn out and that causes an indicator light to malfunction. If you know it's just a burned out bulb, you stop worrying that there's something deeper wrong with your car.

It sounds like there's nothing wrong with his love for you; for heaven's sake he's crying over damage in the relationship. He gave up porn. WOW. You are on the right road. Your relationship is heading toward new vistas. Don't worry about the indicator light. Don't take temporary erection problems to heart, and let him know it's all a fun romp to you.

Something that's helped us lately is to set aside some times for naked snuggling -- nothing more expected. The close, bonding contact is so nurturing for both of us, and in your case I bet for him to know there's no pressure to perform would be a great gift.

Best to you!