New to recovery

Submitted by Deadpool1978 on
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Hi I'm 33 years old and married for just over a year. While my wife and I went on our honeymoon just over a year ago we tried having sex. I remained abstinent up until I was married (Although growing up having girlfriends I did other things i.e. heavy petting, oral) and so did she. So when we finally did it, it was needless to say awkward and clumsy. What I had noticed though is that I could get it up but as soon as I tried to penetrate I would go down. If I did penetrate I wouldn't last long. For the past year this is something that I have been struggling with. My wife (God bless her) has been VERY patient and understanding. But we always thought that this was normal and it just take a while to "Get it right"

But something in me said something wasn't right. Advice that I had gotten from friends was that I was just anxious, and I needed to relax. That could be part of it but it still wasn't helping me. At this point in our marriage I was becoming discouraged. Sex was something that I couldn't do and wondered if I ever could. I was afraid that I would never be able to have children. My doctor suggested that I take some meds i.e. cialis or Viagra but I really don't want to.

Then I stumbled onto yourbrainonporn.com And it all made sense to me. A lot of these behaviors described me to a tee. Since I wanted to remain abstinent till marriage I used PMO as my outlet. And had no idea what I was doing to my brain. I feel that all those years of PMO have lead to my problems in my marriage. I have been using porn steadily since I was a teenager. But now I really want to kick the habit. Not for me really but for my beautiful wife who deserves so much more in the bedroom than I can currently give her. I shared with my wife all the research that I had done regarding porn and the brain and my problem with porn. To my surprise her response was "of course you've had a problem, you're a guy after all". And we laughed. I apologized to her for my use of porn even in our marriage, she said it was ok. I also told her of my plan to try a reboot and see if that would fix my problem in the bedroom, but this means that we couldn't have sex for 2 months maybe longer. She is 100% on board and supporting me thorough this process.

So I started my reboot 2 weeks ago and I was doing pretty good. I experience the "dead dick" feeling. I have read that this is natural so I wasn't worried. It was on day 15 (yesterday) that my cravings were really strong, and I gave in. I felt terrible. So I have a few questions:

1. I noticed my erection was not hard at all, maybe 60%-70% full. Is that normal?
2. I also didn't use a "death grip". I was able to get off with 2 fingers and a thumb. What might this mean if anything
3. I masturbated to a home made shower scene with an ex partner. It wasn't sex, just video of her showering. Does this count as porn? Porn being fantasy, but this was a real person in my life (Sorry I may be trying to justify myself)
4. I'm afraid that this whole experience will now set me back to day 1. Will it?

Thanks in advance. Glad I found this site, it might save my marriage.

Hi Deadpool1978, and welcome.

Hi Deadpool1978, and welcome.

Glad to see you have decided to stop, and reboot :) i hope here you'll find the help and support you need. Also, seeing you gave in, i bet you're more then ever seeing that it isn't something easy, that it really is an addiction which is bad for all of us. You're lucky you have a wife, and a so understanding one at that... it will help you recover a lot i think because at some point, when you rebooted, you can practice the things which we were really ment to be doing Wink

About your questions... i think that your erection not being hard can be normal after some time of abstaining. Dont worry, it won't stay that way. I myself (also your age and with a gf) stopped PMO for 5 months now, and at some point i started to have normal, lasting erections with my gf.
The 'death grip' was something i never had heard of before coming to this site either. For me it didn't make a difference.
I do think that the video counts as porn/ fantasy. In my opinion, the hardest thing to get rid of while rebooting, was the fantasy... it wasn't something i could just shut off. The video, while you were doing MO, counted as fantasy i think, especially if you already used it before to PMO to?
Will it set you back to day 1? i don't think so. You already learned from those last 2 weeks, and your brain must have gotten some, if not alot, changes.

If i were you, i would do a reboot for at least 3 months, not 2... 3 months of not PMO-ing. At some point, if you feel ready to it, you might want to try Karezza (lots to read abotu that on this site).

Well for now this is my opinion :) stay strong,

Parcival

don't beat your self up

You are not starting from day 1 but the idea is so that you can get away from pictures and your hand giving you an orgasm. Keep trucking and it will come back. It really will! Cuddle with your wife alot. She knows you have issues so don't put pressure on yourself. She sounds very nice and understanding and you have a whole lifetime together. Good Luck and use cold water for cravings!

start daily bonding behaviors with your wife

you are very lucky to have such a loving wife. Spend 30 minutes in the  morning and 30 minutes or more in the evening snugglng and cuddling and so forth. This makes it far easier not to PMO. And just get back on the horse and continue. You can try Karezza with her also as long as you don't ejaculate and it can be very healthy for you. You don't need a strong erection or any erection to do that. Read up here on soft entry.

You'll do this, you just have to set your mind to doing it and everyone has an occasional hiccup, no big deal.

emerson wrote:

[quote=emerson]you are very lucky to have such a loving wife. Spend 30 minutes in the  morning and 30 minutes or more in the evening snugglng and cuddling and so forth. This makes it far easier not to PMO. And just get back on the horse and continue. You can try Karezza with her also as long as you don't ejaculate and it can be very healthy for you. You don't need a strong erection or any erection to do that. Read up here on soft entry.You'll do this, you just have to set your mind to doing it and everyone has an occasional hiccup, no big deal.[/quote]

Your wife sounds awesome - good advice right here!

Your libido and erections

will not recover in a linear way...if you're like most guys. So try not to worry about the day to day ups and downs.

What can you do to prevent relapses? Can you block porn on your computer? Ideas here: COMPUTER.PAGE

Here's information on bonding behaviors, in case you want more ideas (so you can make them fun): http://www.reuniting.info/resources/exchange_of_the_day

You may also find this worth reading: http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-stimuli-must-i-avoid-during-my-reboot-di...

Welcome! Keep us posted on your progress. I'm sure there are many men who have made the same, perfectly logical decision...and are now getting burned by it. Some brains are just very sensitive and wire up to synthetic sexual cues really thoroughly.

Oh man

I knew that this was going to be hard and this past week really showed how hard it would be. I have realized one thing about myself. Porn is not that hard to give up (for me anyway) but it's the fantasy and masturbation that is EXTREMELY difficult. January 23rd is when I started my recovery. And for two weeks I had no PMO whatsoever. But this past week I feel like I lost all my progress! I MO'd 4 times this week. But I am still off the porn. I still feel like I'm in a losing battle though. The first time that I had an orgasm after going for 2 weeks without one, the orgasm was super intense. My last orgasm feels like it's gone back to where I was when I was using porn, not as intense and weak. This is why I feel like I am going backwards. It's quite discouraging.

Update

This has really been a struggle for me to say the least. Although I am trying to look at the glass half full instead of half empty. I've been struggling with M and O this past week even as I type this I am struggling with it. But it's been just over 3 weeks of not looking at porn. And even in that I am seeing an improvement. I have since taken the advice of others here and my wife has remarked that I have been more attentive to the "details". By that she means, we are making out more, cuddling more and basically going back to how we were when we were first dating. I have also noticed that I am more emotionally attatched to my wife. It's a very good feeling. Cuddling in bed has often lead to touching though (No intercourse or ejaculation). I am hoping this doesn't hinder my progress. Does it? In the times that we have done some heavy petting, I noticed that by default, I am concentrating more on the physical sensations and the fantasy is SLOWLY fading. What I find is that fantasy still rears its ugly head for a few seconds and I have to consciously make sure that doesn't happen. I am hopeful that someday fantasy will no longer play a part in our love making as I am already seeing changes in myself. I have also noticed that by relaxing and being more concerned about bonding with my wife that my penis just tends to do things on it's own. The moment that I start thinking about my performance it goes down. So I am definately seeing the correlations between the mind and the body. When I concentrate on the bonding and not the erection I find that my erection stays longer, sometimes it stays around even after we are done fooling around.

So I guess this has been a very eye opening week for me. Now if I could only get this PMO monkey off my back....

Should I be fooling around with my wife? Or should I abstain from sexual activity altogether?

Question

I have read that people who are recovering experience flu like symptoms as withdrawl symptoms. But most people I have read about experience the flu after X amount of day of no PMO. Last night the flu hit me like a ton of bricks BUT I've only gone about 4 weeks of no porn. I have struggled on and off with the M and O. So I guess my question is, am I still experiencing withdrawl even if its just the Porn that I have stopped using?