Somehow I stumbled onto the topic of karezza, and immediately liked the idea. I've read several books, and then finally bought Marnia's book Cupid's Poison Arrow. Without the science involved, although it further supports the idea, I have accepted that karezza is probably a necessity for a long term relationship to remain stable.
I'm here because I'm looking for some advice, some knowledge, or wisdom from anyone who may be able to shed light on my issue.
You see, i'm a 23 year old male. and i've been married to my wife for nearly three years.
After typing that out and reading it, I kinda feel like I'm out of place here, but anyhoo...
I have been a very sexually charged individual, for what feels like all of my life. Before puberty, and even now.
I personally don't believe that there is, or should be any distinction between sex and love. I believe sex is the expression of love between two romantic partners, much like a smile is an expression of happiness, or a hug and expression of trust. it's a language, a statement.
it's something that's obviously very important to me, that I would like to be active and involved in up until I expire.
I don't think it's as important to my wife. I can't blame her for that either, because I know how it was ruined for her in her past, but I also know that even before that incident, she was just never interested in that kind of expression at all.
Well I love my wife, and I'm not going to ever do anything to dishonor, or harm her regardless of my personal satisfaction or needs. She's been very patient, and open minded when it comes to me and this quirk that I have. But our sex life has dramatically tapered off since we first began our relationship, and especially since I had to leave for the Army and she had our child on her own, while I was away.
Our life is pretty busy now, so we hardly have time for our personal amusement, let alone entertaining each other.
Intimacy has become infrequent, the quality has tapered down, and it generally gives rise to more unhappy feelings than ones of contentedness and love. It seems as though it's become a function, or a chore that we must engage in to keep insanity from entering our relationship.
From my point of view. I see myself struggling, fighting my desires every minute every day, trying to stay away from all of the PMO I can get involved in when no one is looking. Then i see her, she looks at a few things here and there online (if you know what I mean) but for the most part she looks completely unaffected, as though the decrease in intimacy and sex hardly affect her, and that she has to "try harder/work at it" for my sake.
and that bothers me.
When we were first together, no one could turn my head, or grab my attention, but now I find myself with lingering gazes despite my best intentions, i've become more flirtatious in my conversations, more reckless, looking for that "novel mate" and I'm scared because I don't want to be "that guy" but I can feel the potential in myself to be that way. To make matters worse, my wife "stumbled" onto an email thread I had with an ex, in which I said things that weren't racy, but very inappropriate for a married man to say.
My wife said that she wouldn't hold me back, that she was grateful for the time we did have together, and our son, and that was that.
She has forgiven me for that, and we have had talks about the decreasing romance and intimacy in our relationship.
So when I stumbled onto Marnia's book, it was really a god send.
or so I thought...
We could maybe re-ignite, and then through a little bit of planning and dedicating ourselves to making these exchanges, we could sate our needs, without quenching the love too.
My wife tears through 1200 page books, in a day, or a few days depending on how intrigued she is. and she can remember the most minute details from them as well.
but she's not making any progress with this one. and when I try to talk to her about it I don't sense any genuine interest from her then either, more like a resigned, "here we go, again"
This is a wonderful woman I'm with, I truly love and appreciate every minute I'm with her, but I don't feel like there's anything I can do to control my nature. I've tried the whole "let the body have it's regular release to ease frustration" and the started my porn obsession. I've tried fasting, exercise, dieting. The only reason my sex drive has decreased as much as it has is probably more out of emotional and physical frustration and hopelessness than anything else.
We go out as often as possible, I try to spoil her as much as I can, I do try and engage in all of those minute things a husband can do to show his woman he appreciates her, but nothing changes.
Maybe I just hurt her, or I bore her now, and she just doesn't want to be the one to initiate the break up.
She says she doesn't plan on going anywhere ever.
I feel less like a man who supports, protects and provides for his family now, and more like an awkward teenager filled with angst.
What do you think?