This is my personal diary about my PMO recovery.
In a nutshell: I noticed heavy ED and low self-confidence, and decided to fight back by starting the recovery. I’ll first be introducing myself, with my background, and then I’ll keep track of my progress by making a summary of the events each week.
I am 28 years old, so writing a personal diary doesn’t come natural to me; if anything, it makes me feel like a teen to some extent! But I now know that this is necessary. Writing this simply makes the recovery even more “real” to me. It is like a personal statement of intent.
Also, I intended to publish this when I am over, but reading accounts and stories of people in the same situation make me want to publish my story so far, right here right now on reuniting.
This post will give some background about me, my mindset and how I came to posting here. The two next posts will be about my first two weeks of PMO recovery (as of this writing, I am at day 16). Don't be surprised by the date on the blog post (you'll basically see 2 weeks posted on the same day), it's just that I stored my stories in a local document but decided to post all at once here; in the upcoming weeks I'll directly post here without delay.
You may have noticed already, English is not my mother tongue; you’ll have to pardon me for any mistakes ; the reason I post here is quite simply because I could not find any real info about PMO in my own language (French). I understand English very well though, so yourbrainonporn.com has been a real gold mine to me, I really want to thank the authors, and for reuninting.info too. And I mean *really*; this is invaluable.
Let’s see where this will all lead !
Some background info (be warned, huge text below!)
This marks the start of my PMO recovery (20th Jan, 2012)
This is pretty awkward for me… a few days ago, I didn’t know anything about porn addiction, nor did I think such a thing actually existed; after all, one needs to masturbate, it’s just human nature…or so I thought. Well it is, but not for me, since I got into obsessive territory nearly four years ago. It is now causing massive damage to my life, and I am just starting to realize it. I want to change this.
Let me tell you my story.
After a relationship which made me really doubt myself – the girl didn’t attract me but she was absolutely fond of me at the time -, I developed ED, and consequently HOCD.
Even before that relationship, I think I was using porn quite heavily; once I got broadband in fact, not so much before (these were better days, no wonder). So when it came to the real thing with her, it was pretty disappointing both for me and for her (massive erections in the preliminaries but flatline afterwards). I just didn’t feel it as I would have expected. Basically, I accepted her advances because I already was trying to escape my porn routine, and couldn’t get the girls I really wanted (overly shy at the time).
I did blame myself a lot, and went even further in my PMO in order to compensate. Being the over reflecting type of guy, I ruminated more and more, consolidating ED, needing even more extreme porn. I wondered why just like every guy out there I couldn’t get a rock hard erection to all the girls (after all the common image is that men can just bang every girl they see, according to the American Pie stereotypes; I very naively thought I had to be like this too).
Then, the thought that I could be homosexual became latent, changing my behavior, making me uncertain. Could I be one of those guys that just come out on later stages? Strangely, even in childhood, I was emotionally and sexually attracted to women. During puberty I remember getting totally horny when seeing the classroom girls wear skirts, or showing some cleavage. Seeing them in sport class was one of my favourite moments. During my studies I was no better, catching lots of girls if not with the eye at least with something else. But now, this forced sex with this one girl felt wrong, felt like…indeed, forced. I ignored the problem, thinking it would solve itself, or that I would come out eventually.
What is interesting, or depressing if you will, is that it is very related to PMO. I just did not know that. Ever since the situation described above, my porn obsession has escalated to levels I consider harmful; I got into watching bondage and stuff far worse; shocking stuff, I didn’t recognize myself. In the real life, while I was developing this behavior, I still really fell for some girls, the kind of girls you give 9 on a scale of 10 to put it simply (I became over selective, only craving for the best of the best), but it was as if I’d lost all my self-confidence. Needless to say, it didn’t lead to anything, just me getting really bad, feeling unwanted; I was just aiming too high with a confidence so low. I feared that by engaging into anything close with less attractive girls, the ones I could “have”, I could only disappoint; emotionally, sexually, it was a nightmare for me, it still is.
I tried to stop PMO, but got into a depressive state in the end. When I felt sad, I tried to lift my spirits with porn. I don’t even have a collection on my hard drive, I don’t need too! Just go into Private mode, Google things up, open 12 tabs, find the perfect video and orgasm. So easy, so destructive in my special case.
My luck lies in the fact that I have friends. I am not too much of an open social guy, but enough for me to have real friends I can trust.
This January 2012, I went skiing with some friends. They actually made me notice my depressive state, since they saw me during one week night and day and understood what was happening; I knew about it without admitting it, but this really set my alarms on fire. I knew I was deeply reacting wrong to just about anything. Still, I didn’t connect the dots between depression, HOCD (I didn’t know this had a label, let alone that it existed) and porn addiction.
When I came back from this holiday week, I felt rested and motived by my friends’ remarks. And I love sport, really, so I was in an optimal state. Didn’t masturbate either during that week, which by my standards is record stuff. However, once I was alone in my place, I felt that urge to masturbate. I had a totally awesome 20 minutes, it was incredibly good. But that day, I did it three more times; the day afterwards were just about the same, with me losing my erections even more each time, needing more of the stuff, and so forth.
The ugly routine was back.
Then, I saw an article on psychologytoday, linking to mybrainonporn.com.
That is when I connected the dots. Let me tell you, it was scary; the problems, symptoms and everything looked like a carbon copy of me. There was no mistake, it all made sense. PMO, HOCD, ED, the depression, everything here under my nose for what has literally been years. I am thankful for these online resources, for my friends, but also really angry. I have wasted so much time, so much potential for happiness has gone to waste.
Now, I am firmly convinced that I can recover from it all. It’s not like I have a choice, really. Long story short, I hereby decide to try one month without PMO, maybe even two or three if need be. This is the only way out. Let’s start.