Hey, everyone. I am a 23 year old male. Sorry for the extremely long post, but I want to fill in as many details as possible. The main information is at the bottom of the post. The top part is just my story in case you want to know more history.
Here's a somewhat brief version of my story (Yes, it's still pretty long. Sorry.): I started masturbating when I was about 4 years old. I "learned how" when I was at a doctor's appointment for something and the nurse was checking my genitals. As she was checking, I had an orgasm (dry, obviously). Later, I decided to try it myself at home, and I have been doing it ever since. I mean, 3-5 times per day for my entire life.
When I was 11, I discovered porn, and realized that it gave me similar feelings to how I felt when I masturbated. I explored quickly and eventually landed on gay porn. It turned me on a lot more because it was "wrong," "taboo," and "weird." At this time, I didn't exactly know what "gay" meant. I grew up in a pretty sheltering home, so the concept didn't come across to me until a friend in 8th grade asked me, "are you gay?" jokingly. I laughed, but it sat in my head and I started realizing that I watch gay porn, so it might be true.
Here's the difficult part: I remember in elementary school (ages 7-10ish) I "really" wanted to be friends with some particular people (boys) in my classes. Looking back, I'm thinking that these were actually a "crushes" that I had on other boys. I never saw it as that at the time because boys were supposed to like girls in my mind. Interestingly, later, in 8th grade (age 12-13), I had a very strong crush on a girl in one of my classes, and I remember thinking about things like wanting to hold her hand, kiss her, hug her, etc. These are things that I never wanted to do with any of the "boy crushes" I had in elementary school. Throughout this period, I continued watching gay porn and masturbating 3-5 times per day.
In high school, things somewhat went downhill as I lost my crush for this girl (she turned out to be pretty mean) and started realizing that I found other guys sexually attractive. This continued throughout college, but I was always on the down-low about all of this because it never felt right.
During and after college, so far I have hooked up with about 12 guys from various hook-up sites and apps, and I have hooked up with only one girl. For about half of those encounters (including the encounter with a girl, but I was drunk at the time), I could not stay hard enough to actually engage in sex. This caused me to look into the reasons behind it all, and I realized that it was probably due to masturbating and watching porn. In only one of the encounters did I actually feel a sense of satisfaction afterwards; the one with the girl... and I never even climaxed. This might be due to the fact that my friends all knew that this happened and it was "losing my virginity." So there was a sense of accomplishment. In the other encounters, I lost interest in sex for about a week afterwards.
Okay, that's my story up to about a month ago. I want to explain where I stand on everything right now:
I have been single all of my life due to shyness. I also don't have the face of a model. I do NOT want to be in a homosexual relationship with another man. When it comes to men, I want one of two things: platonic friendship or sex. Once I have sex with a man, I rarely want to do it again with him, but I have returned on 2 occasions. Nothing more than that. I do not find any of my male friends sexually attractive. Once I get to know a guy on a personal level, I lose any attraction for him.
I want a loving relationship with a woman. It is a huge aspiration for me to have a wife, kids, and grow old with her. I want to kiss her, I want to hold her hand, I want to be there for her and love her. With other men, I want only to make out if it is sexual and escalating to sex.
The problem is that I am not very attracted to women sexually. I can see a naked woman on the internet and think, "oh look, a naked woman. Everyone has seen that before." But I get very sexually excited by men, and it scares me. It always has.
My thinking is that I have associated the male body with sex. I have not associated the female body with anything other than "female body," but I WANT to associate it with sex. Girls just don't turn me on as much as guys do in real life or on the computer screen. Unfortunately, I have been unable to maintain a PMO-free lifestyle for longer than 14 days due to absolutely atrocious withdrawal (borderline suicidal) and urges to view porn. It is something that has been with me my entire life, and I want it to stop.
I'm not totally sure what my question is after writing all of this, actually. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has been in or has seen a similar situation and come out of it. Has anyone with HOCD actually had sex with other men and had strong sexual attractions for men and not so much for women? Were they able to come out of it? Have I destroyed my sexuality and will never be able to find a girl who I am attracted to? I don't know what the outcome will be for me, but I am looking for encouragement to help me get past 14 days.