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Less than two weeks ago I stumbled onto Your Brain on Porn accidentally while on an Internet porn binge. Suddenly, my life's (disastrous) course since reaching puberty all made sense.The binge stopped the moment I watched the YouTube videos on porn addiction and I started a reboot that moment. So far, so good. Now, on to part two:

In my prior marriage I began to sense something wrong, something deeply rooted. My wife was a slender young woman, athletic and strong but relatively petite. I always felt that our intercourse was far too violent (and it was pretty tame stuff) to express the way I cherished her. I felt that the same old, mount, thrust, ejaculate was a sort of power statement, I the physically strong one of the pair "taking" my woman. By the last few years of my marriage I saw sex as a burdensome duty. We did it perhaps once a month, judiciously timed to avoid fertile days just in case the pill wasn't working. I longed for something else.

I used to ask her for cuddling but it seemed like a chore to her. She wanted to Git It On and I wondered what had happened to the tender love we used to have. The first few years of our marriage we always slept in contact with, at the very least, our feet in touching. Sometimes we would sleep in an embrace. In those days we were so close that it was beyond imagination. By the time that ten years had passed we were roommates with benefits once a month.

I also realized that I craved intromission and wanted to remain in that state as long as possible. I found that the female-superior missionary position was not satisfying because there was nothing to thrust against but for gentle intromission having my wife above me was glorious. Amazingly, I had stumbled upon a form of Karezza but didn't know that such a thing was ever done. I would have felt strange suggesting non-orgasmic sex to my wife. For all I knew it was against the law. :)

Reading through Cupid's Poisoned Arrow I am amazed and I'm only halfway through chapter one. THIS . . . is exactly what I want. I feel reconnected with part of myself that was left behind the first time I had an orgasm, self-induced BTW. Before that time I enjoyed having an erection and never gave thought to touching myself for pleasure. Just the fact that I was experiencing sexual stimulation from the erection was more than enough to keep me happy. After my first successful masturbatory orgasm it was like throwing a switch and my erection became an enemy that could ambush me at any time. It didn't matter what I was doing, if I felt aroused I would need to "relieve" the situation. I practiced this at work, in my car, in the bathroom, in bed . . . Good thing I wasn't an astronaut. :)

Anyhow, understanding the porn-dopamine cycle has been a revelation. I've managed resist the commands of that switch setting inside me that insists upon an orgasm whenever arousal happens. In fact, the switch is already showing signs of flipping back to its proper setting. But this isn't meant to be a post about porn addiction, it's about finding the second piece of the puzzle.

Many people today treat sex like an olympic sport, it's a wonder that they don't have judges seated at a table, flashing a score for their performance. Porn highlights this sort of thing, in part, because a movie of two people having missionary sex would not show much beyond a thrusting backside. Undoubtedly, this is a factor in the decline of happy marriages. I can't make any other part of my life operate the way things are in the movies, why should sex be an exception.

So now I find that the way I learned to have sex, almost 50 years ago, is not necessarily the best way. I also learned to simulate sex emulating a less than ideal model of sex. I had pleasure in my erections and no sense of guilt. I was never tormented in any way when I felt pleasure at arousal until I brought my hand into the bargain. Amazingly, over 40 years later I've found that both sex and M do not need to center on orgasm and I'm all for it.

Mankind has had many dark ages. Superstition and fear of a multitude of "gods" held people down for years. People made sacrifices to please these "gods" up to, and including, human sacrifices. In the Christian era some scientific discoveries were frowned upon by a church hierarchy than would brook no challenge to their ultimate authority. Once again, the price was dear, disease, filth and even death of innocent people was the rule for many years. I can't help but wonder if a sexual "dark age" is coming to an end. There would seem to be a polarized situation where some people are diving ever deeper into the failed sexual philosophies of the last few decades while others are seeing that the way of the past may not be all that good.

A world filled with bonding-oriented mating would look quite different, at least IMO. Durable marriage and sexual practices that reduce the frequency of conception sounds like a good start to me. Instead of the stair-step families we see in some places today people could devote more time to the fewer children they bear and extended families could provide nurturing and companionship for children. (It is of interest to me that in some cultures cousins are actually considered brothers and sisters.) I may not live to see it, but I'd love to know how things turn out.

What a beautiful post

Thanks for sharing your insights and witty observations.

Like you, I sense that humanity is on the verge of a major breakthrough in understanding sex.

The Internet porn phenomenon + the the increase in understanding about the soothing benefits of bonding - which could be applied to our intimate relationships, are showing us that the current sexology model badly needs revision. "There's no such thing as too much" "It's all good" and "All we need is more acceptance of our extreme behaviors" (which in many cases are being driven by escalation and ignorance of how the brain works) simply don't cut it.

Yet, the guilt and suppression model didn't work either. It's time to understand balance and imbalance and learn to steer for whatever we please without simplistic spin muddying the waters (from all political points of view).

The good news is that if we humans figure this out this time...the Internet will swiftly make the revised model available worldwide. THAT would indeed an exciting development!

Looking forward to hearing about your further explorations. If you like, you can start your own blog here by clicking on "Members' Blogs" in the lefthand margin and then "My Blog." You could then copy this post there or link to it.

Thanks to you as well . . .

The information you present here is helping people to live better lives. Gary's rebooting information gave me the tools to turn my life around. This site has shown me that my entire viewpoint regarding sexual desire has, indeed, been 180 degrees out of sync with reality. Truthfully, for the first time in memory the whole thig makes sense, and I have a very long memory.

I always thought that sex was a dirty trick played upon us. A drive that linked us, inextricably, to our lowest instincts. Finding the existence of another path to freedom from sexual frustration is a gift.

What I find the most amazing is that this process is not moralistic in its tone. It comes from common sense and a desire to be at our best. I happen to believe in a Higher Power but also believe that this Power is logical and not governed by emotion. Karezza makes sense to my point of view. (I need to point out here that I am not religious in the slightest. I believe in God but I don't think that he concentrates his attention on people based upon their participation in organized religion.) The thing is, whether from a believer's point of view or a more humanistic point of view, a gentle practice like Karezza appeals to the highest nature of mankind, not the lowest. It makes me want to use my time in better pursuits and I'm confident that this will only help in my quest for a happy future.

Nearing the end of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow I couldn't help but laugh. In chapter 10, under the heading Subtle Harmony it talks about career opportunities coming unexpectedly. Since changing my point of view I have had two inquiries from prospective employers, both offering better pay and room for advancement. In any event, I'm not complaining.

Thanks for helping me find this way of thinking and I will indeed start a blog.


I totally resonate with this. (And congratulations on the job offers! How cool.) Quite honestly, the ideas on this site weren't mine. I was simply fascinated by how humans had rediscovered the same basic concepts over and over...and yet no one told us!


so great to have you here. I am really thrilled.

I agree with you that this can produce amazing harmony and happiness in a relationship, good for everyone.

So where are you at with regard to sex with your wife? I'm a little confused as to what you are or aren't doing with regard to Karezza.

For the moment . . .

For the moment I'm doing without. :) My marriage collapsed years ago and I came away bitter and angry. That's the bad news. The good news is that I've started forging a relationship with someone else and it's going well. We are not intimate at this point but I intend to bring up the subject of Karezza when/if the relationship progresses to that stage. Based upon things we have discussed in the past, I believe that she will probably be receptive to the idea.

Probably more important is the fact that my outlook on matters has changed since becoming aware of Karezza. Not seeking orgasm doesn't require a partner, or any sexual activity whatsoever. For over forty years my life was lived from orgasm to orgasm whether alone or with a mate. It was not a happy way to live, at least not for me. Learning about Karezza has changed my entire outlook towards sex. That's why I call it the second piece of the puzzle.

Over at Your Brain Rebalanced there are a lot of people working to reboot their brain. I get the sense that for many of them it comes down to a race; can I hold out long enough to recover and then have a normal sex life. I've been in that very situation before myself. Knowing that orgasm is not necessary for sexual satisfaction is an amazing revelation. I'm not running from an insatiable orgasm desire that will always win out in the end. The (my?) monkey is off of my back. I still feel desire but now I know that it's possible to say NO to it and make good on my word.

Yes, it's like going

through a time warp, or unplugging from the Matrix or first.

I had that reaction myself when I read my first book about Daoist lovemaking...written by two men.

It's great to explore the options, wherever one chooses to end up.


Welcome to reuniting. I enjoyed your thoughtful life reflections.

I too found that Marnia and Garys material brought a significant paradigm shift into my life, triggering a process that 6 months on is still on unfolding. You can put a sentence together well enough, so why not start a blog here. Click "members blogs" in the sidebar. Then my blog.

What is your current relationship status?

Youre in for a joy ride. Look forward to hearing more.

My current relationship

My current relationship status is probably best stated as "hopeful". I am in the early stages of a relationship and hopeful that it develops into something lasting and fulfilling for both of us. We have a great deal in common and a great friendship has developed. I feel that I can speak very freely to her and she seems to feel the same towards me. We have spoken more openly about sexual matters than I ever did with a spouse. I feel that she is very much the sort of person I need in my life but I'm not sure that she's quite at that point yet. She's cautious and I'm OK with that.

Anyhow, we are not yet sexually intimate so bringing up Karezza would be a bit presumptuous at this point in time. I do intend to broach the subject when and if the time is right.

Speaking from my experience,

Speaking from my experience, my partner brought up karezza very early on when I initially broached the topic of sexuality. I had never heard of it before, but I was very intrigued by the practice and the fact that he had a different view on sex made him all the more interesting to me. I can see that my response might not typical of others, but you never know if this woman might feel the same as you do. Good luck.