Hello guys, I find it necesarry to share my story with you, because I believe I am in a position where my life is completely in chaos and since I can't tell a soul about this, I thought I might get a bit comfort by writting this to you. On top of that, the leve of help I need is enormous so.... Yeah.
Alright, it all started about 2 years ago. Fairly confident fella going into the world of gymnasium (pretty much a mixture between Highschool and College I guess). 17 year old me was about to unleash hell and start living the life. I started dating this girl who I didn't really think was very pretty or smart but I just did it to try it out, because the last girlfriend I had was when I was around 12 or so. I ended up ditching her and just enjoyed life for a bit with partying and the normal teenage stuff. One day my friend introduced me to the arts of picking up women. I was hella excited about the whole thing because I pretty much suck at dealing with girls and I've had a huge depression because I was never able to date and have a relationship with the girls that I wanted to. I started studying it hard and found the whole subject of "becoming the strongest version of yourself" very much intriguin. Please, if you feel that the whole PUA thing is a disgrace, do not judge me for my intentions. All I wanted were one night stands and maybe eventually gain enough confidence to finally ask that pretty girl out that I had an eye for.
Anyway, suddenly it just hit me. Like an explosion. During my teens I sometimes masturbated to the thoughts of other guys. It wasn't just a one time thing, I would do it every once in a while. I never thought anything of it, and I could be in the mens locker room without any problems at all, because according to me, I was still straight. But after this whole "working on your confidence" thing I was just absolutely shattered. How could I run around and talk to girls when I had clearly masturbated to the same gender? If it had only been that, I guess I could live with it, because apparently it is very common for people to have same-sex thoughts every once in a while. But I also did it to gay porn.... This is where my picture just shatters. I'm freaking out because I don't want to be gay, I don't want to get a boner from looking at a penis. It's a penis for crying out loud!! How can I react like that to a penis? Now this freaking out has been going on and off for about a couple of years now. I find it that when I do something that occupies my time, like a big exam I forget all about the whole gay thing and for a while I go back to just being myself. But the thought creeps back soon enough and I end up sitting in frightened in a corner. It is especially hard for me, because I feel like I can't work on my confidence towards girls with my firned now because my brain is telling me that I am lying to myself. Apparently I am not into girls, since I get hard watching two guys sharing cocks. I've been reading a lot on yourbrainonporn and also the direct opposite with people coming out and how they started out with being into girls and then just went all in and came out of the closet. I find myself looking at gay porn to see if I get hard to it, and when I do I absolutely break down. I've masturbated 4 times today, each time trying to picture me with a male.
It didn't really work, so I ended up thinking about girls instead. But god damn it, if I can't get off to males how the hell can I get an erection?
I've tried rebooting a couple of times, each time I have failed. I ended up doing it to the thought of girls, so I guess that is always something. My point is that I have never gotten a boner when I went to the beach, for example. I have never even looked at a male body and thought "wow he is sexy" - I've been told to "observe" myself and see what kind of reactions I have when I am out and about. Not once have I caught myself in thinking "wow that guy is hot, I gotta go have sex with im", I have however with several girls. It is crazy, because I know that I like girls and yet I am sitting here getting turned on by two dudes having fun and I just don't know what to do. Do I sound bisexual? Because I really don't want to be that.
I'm afraid that I have developed anxiety towards anything that is man-related and I am at a point where I am close to just giving up. I'm going to attend this festival this summer, which I've been looking forward to, because I was hoping to meet a girl and have a good time. But now that thought seems like it is totally irrational. Since it is a festival, we're also going to take showers in shared rooms which means there is going to be a lot of naked guy action and I'm really really scared that my penis might just say fuck it and raise like a flag in the middle of the shower.
You see, it is like I am turned on by the gay sex and porn and yet I am not interested in a romantic relationship with a man. I just want to be with a girl, and most importantly I just want to go back to the old me. If he ever existed, because I've been doing it guys every once in a while throughout my teens.
I am still a virgin, so that might just be the reason for all of this, because I do not have anything to relate to, and that makes me freak out a little more. It's just that I turned 20 not so long ago and by now the puberty phase is over and all of the people who "experimented" or had same-sex encounters usually know by now that they are straight, but I'm still standing here like a freaking idiot with a huge burden on my shoulders. It's hard for me to show up and be happy in school because this is bothering me so much.
I don't know if any of this made any type of sense or if you can even help me. I just really need someone to talk to about this