Time stop dying and start living!!

Submitted by AnonGrad86 on
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Hi, guys. I decided to write another journal because the previous one i wrote was much too negative and hopefully, you will enjoy reading this one more. Well here goes.

Like most of the recovering addicts here, I have suffered from the usual symptoms of PMO addiction, so I'll keep my PMO addiction story short. First of all I'm 25 years old and have been masturbating to internet porn since I was 15. I first started masturbating to porn when I was 15 to a dial-up, 56K connection. I never stopped (I noticed it was just way too stimulating) and I would continue to masturbate at least once every day. This persisted throughout the rest of my highschool/university years. It was when my dad purchased high-speed broadband internet that my PMO use became much more frequent and escalated into more extreme genres (lesbian domination, anal)- I never found anything more extreme as arousing, so I probably wasn't that desensitized.

During my college/highschool years I was heavily socially isolated- nobody wanted to be my friend and everybody I tried to make friends with or spoke to thought I was 'weird' and avoided me like a plague. I also suffered from constant bullying and slander from other pupils. I have Asperger's Syndrome and as a result, have always struggled to make friends and socialise with people and due to the constant social isolation and rejection from people, I relied more and more on porn and masturbation to give me my sources of dopamine. I fell into a deep state of depression and extreme apathy (almost my default state) and became more and more addicted to video games (I have been playing video games excessively since I was 11) and internet porn. These were my two sources of dopamine for practically my entire highschool/college years. I also suffered from severe social anxiety (I was afraid to literally talk to anyone) as my college years progressed and when opportunities to socialise arose (due to university events), I avoided them like they were some kind of nuclear or radioactive testing site.

Anyway, unlike a lot of the other guys here recovering from PMO, I did not wire my brain to the real thing- my porn use continued up until I was 23, when I first lost my virginity to a girl I met at a university party, because I finally decided to start socialising, but I only think it happened because we were both really drunk- if I'd we'd both been sober she'd no doubt had thought I was a 'creep' and 'ran for the hills'. The sex was not good at first and I had ED- I had trouble getting an erection for the first week or so, but afterwards could get and keep and erection to have sex almost everyday with her. I did not have serious ED issues, but I did have delayed ejaculation and she loved the fact that I could go at it for almost half an hour without orgasming. But the sex, although satisfying for her, was not satisfying for me at all and felt like doing a mundane chore like dishes or sweeping/hoovering the floor. I also became particularly good at giving her oral pleasure and was apparently the first guy who managed to give her an orgasm, so I was proud of this.

After 2 months of seeing each other for sexual encounters, she became my girlfriend and we were 'in love' (for the first time in my life), or at least, that's what it seemed like- I felt on top of the world. We went on weekly dates, had romantic reunions as she had to go home for easter/summer/xmas, we bought each other gifts (for birthday's/xmas), spent romantic valentine's days/anniversaries together.

However, during all of this romancing, I was still masturbating and watching internet porn, both with and without her and she pretended for a while that it didn't bother her (that watching porn was perfectly normal), but I noticed that I would frequently lose interest in sex with her after porn/masturbation binges. After a while, she became very jealous and hurt thinking that she wasn't good enough for me and wondering why I had to turn to porn so much. So I agreed to stop. I tried and failed, tried and failed, but kept relapsing, and eventually she had enough. Our relationship ended after 2 and a half years because of the effects of my constant PMO- mood swings, depression, lack of desire to have sex with her and emotional unavailability, volatility (I would change my mind so much and she hated this). I hurt her so much and when we broke up, she said she did not want to contact me ever again. Truth is, I was much more hurt than she was as she seemed to get over our breakup rather quickly- she moved on after the first 2 weeks of not seeing/contacting each other, because she told me she fell 'out of love' with me long before our breakup, but neglected telling me due to fear of hurting me (she knew how emotionally unstable I was).

The effects of the breakup on me were excruciatingly painful: I was crying every day for almost two weeks. On the first week, I decided I was going to take my own life, and almost did- I overdosed on 1200MG of fluoxetine (because I was on antidepressants after the breakup) in my bathroom, but my parents found me and called the ambulance and I was rushed to hospital. I suffered from a seizure and two cardiac arrests in hospital, so I could have died if not for my parents discovering me shortly after I ingested the pills, but I sincerely wished at the time that they hadn't and that my pain would be gone forever.

Anyway, after recovering from my overdose, I contacted her a month later and she said she did not want to remain in contact or get back together again, EVER. This also hurt me again, so I fell into another state of depression and binged on porn again, feeling worthless, unlovable and lonely in general as I STILL have no real friends- I have never really managed to make or keep any for as long as Iv'e been alive.

In addition to the Asperger's Syndrome (clinically diagnosed) and depression, I believe I have also suffered from other mental disorders, including OCD/ADD (I have always had poor memory/attention span and been impulsive/obsessive), social anxiety (always struggled to make friends and socialise) and have had an avoidant personality (I have avoided people, events, opportunities all my life). But, these are probably also symptoms of PMO addiction as others on YBOP have reported.

I have also long been insecure about my body, because I am tall (6 ft) and extremely skinny (I weigh only 140 lbs), this may be another reason why I have doubted my masculinity over the years, have avoided women and binged on PMO for so long- I felt like women wouldn't be attracted to or want to be with a guy who is skinnier than them- they want to feel secure and protected and not self-conscious when they go out with their man. I have tried to gain muscle over the years as well, but I am extremely hard gainer (ectomorph), so I have never really succeeded, but I gave up after 2 months of hard workouts with no noticeable difference to my physique. I am hoping I can change this one day, even if I have to eat an extreme amount of calories daily. I also have an eating disorder- I eat when I feel hungry, but this is usually not often- my appetite in general is poor.

I also don't have a job and Iv'e been applying constantly since I graduated in 2010- I have a Master's degree in Computing and IT (about the only positive thing in my life right now). Since I tried to quit last week (I lasted 6 days), I have binged on PMO since. I am determined to beat this addiction and hopefully, finally create a better future for myself.

Because I don't have a job, a partner (the worst) or any friends, recovering from PMO will inevitably be much more difficult for me than some of the other guys here, who have more positive stuff going for them, but I have hope that I WILL succeed. I WILL NOT let my breakup/PMO addiction continue to ruin my life and rob me of my manliness/sexuality any longer. I sincerely look forward to the empathy, support and encouragement from you guys and hope you enjoyed my story.

I have also decided to list

I have also decided to list 15 reasons why I want to quit and they are as follows:

1. I want my natural libido back
2. I want to make friends and socialise (I currently have none)
3. I want to have sex with real women, and hopefully, have future relationships with them (I am not ready for one for a long time yet)
4. I want to make my future online web business a success (I believe I have the skills/intelligence that is necessary)
5. I want my depression to disappear (this has plagued me for way too long)
6. I want to resensitize my brain and gain pleasure from other, more natural sources: walking in nature, socialising, food, travelling, drawing, dancing, playing guitar, martial arts (I used to enjoy doing these in the past)
7. I want to enjoy my life and live it to the fullest (instead of being addicted to PMO and video games like I have for so long)
8. I want to gain more self-confidence
9. I want to reclaim my natural charm and seductions skills with women
10. I want to take genuine interest in others and have others reciprocate it
11. I want to have more energy to do physical activities like hit the gym, martial arts training
12. I want to end this constant fog in my brain
13. I want my memory to improve- I want to be able to recall names, events, dates etc (all of which I have struggled remembering)
14. I want my concentration to improve (I used to play chess often, which requires serious levels of focus) and my career as a software developor will benefit with improved focus
15. I want to feel good naturally, without having to surrender to PMO in order to do so

welcome!

Things can be messed up for a bit and then get straightened out. For many guys, they begin getting better habits when they quit porn. But the way to quit porn is to find other habits to replace porn and the job porn does in your life.

If you are lonely, unhappy, anxious, upset, and have nothing to do, you will be tempted to relapse into porn.

So I would suggest using your skills and self-introspection to identify five activies you can do that do not involve computers or staying at home.

Ballroom dancing and dance in general (dance lessons) is awesome for many reasons. So is biking (join a biking club.) So is hiking (join a hiking club). Working out in the gym is very good, especially if you can take a class that has women in it also.

The idea is that you want to be out of the house most of the time.

And what do you think the reason is that you haven't landed a job with a degree like that?

Glad you are here!

 

Hi, emerson. Firstly, thank

Hi, emerson. Firstly, thank you for your quick response.
As for replacing porn with more constructive habits, I totally agree. I also practise dancing (mostly indoors), not ballroom or salsa, more funkstyle/hip hop/street- the class has 'tons' of women in it, but I am not ready to pursue any, as of yet until I am closer towards my goal. I also go to martial arts training 4 days a week and the gym 3 times a week, so I am getting out. My main problem is not having any friends to hang out with, and not having a job makes it difficult to have the money to attend more social events where money is required and where making friends would be easier- I aim to get this social issue (lack of friends) in my life sorted out ASAP.

As for not getting a job with my degree, it could be due to my lack of confidence (which I have definitely improved with meditation/self-help tapes/books), motivation and social skills (also the reason why I have difficulty making friends), thus failing face-to-face job interviews, plus the fact that it is very competitive where I live and the current economic recession does not help, especially in the field of IT. However, like I mentioned in my journal post, I am working on my own software/web projects and online business to tide me by- I do actually get clients/work now and again, but it is not consistent, like a full-time job would be, but I honestly believe I can build up my own business and become an IT entrepreneur as I have the belief, skills and intelligence to do so. So I will continue down this pathway until I make it a success.

Again, thanks for your support and advice.

We hear stories like yours all the time

and we also often hear amazing recoveries. You sound like an excellent candidate.

It gets easier, but you need to be as consistent as possible. Have you checked out YBOP? http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

Lots of helpful resources there.

You also need support, so get as much as possible. These two forums are good:

YOURBRAINREBALANCED.COM

REDDIT.NoFap

Are you familiar with the RED X? The Cold water technique? You have to be ready for the tricks your addicted brain will play on you.

I'm really glad you're making the effort. You've actually come a long way already. Give yourself some credit.

*big hug*

Hi, Marnia

Hi, Marnia.

Yes, Iv'e read practically every rebooting account on YBOP, watched all the videos, read all the articles that Gary has written. I am very familiar with all the neurological concepts, about addiction pathways, desensitization (numbed pleasure response), lack of dopamine, hypofrontality etc. Iv'e also read 'The Brain that changes itself' by Norman Doidge and your own book 'Cupid's Poisoned Arrow'. I wish to offer my sincere gratitude for all the support and words of wisdom both you and Gary have shared with us, poor, struggling individuals who wish to break free from this terrible, life-destroying addiction that prevents us from living the lives we truly desire.

Unfortunately I believe I have a more addictive personality than other recovering addicts, because it is very difficult for me to go longer than a week without relapsing- not matter what else I do during the process; be it meditation, outdoor activities or socialising. I still inevitably end up relapsing and I WANT to beat this addiction once and for all- it has truly ruined my life.

I also posted a topic on the forum 6 months ago, when I was still with my ex (we broke up 2 months ago). It is here 25 years old, male and struggling. Unfortunately, I was unable to overcome my PMO addiction and we broke up because of it, but I was much more hurt than she was (I had never felt so much pain in my entire life), probably due to the fact that I lost my virginity to her and this created an intense emotional attachment to her (almost like the PMO), which I am now slowly overcoming.

What I really need advice on is the best possible ways to deal with this addiction- I tried with my ex partner (with karezza and abstinence), and unfortunately (much to my sincere regret), it didn't work out. I have tried and tried with repeated failures and relapses to overcome this addiction that has ruined my life- I managed to successfully abstain for at most 2 weeks (with my ex) before relapsing, binging and feeling terrible, depressed and worthless all over again. And after we broke up, I relapsed again, feeling worthless, miserable, unlovable and literally worse than Iv'e ever felt in my entire life.

The main problem is, I need access to a computer/the internet to work on my future income- I am in the process of setting up my online business and working on my own web/software projects. I also listen to music and read lots of e-books/websites, such as here, YBOP, reddit and yourbrainrebalanced. Not only that, but having no friends, no job and practically nothing else to keep me busy makes it difficult not to relapse.

As I have stated I have no friends, and have trouble making and keeping them, probably due to my avoidant personality. I have tried to make friends in the past, but have never succeeded in attracting people to me (wanting to be around me)- It's like I need to always initiate contact with everyone and this leaves me thinking that no-one is interested in me. I have never had anyone send me a text, call me or send me a facebook message (I recently quit facebook because seeing my ex having fun on there all the time with her friends/family was making me even more depressed) and this has left me feeling unlikable, unwanted and generally worthless to the rest of the world, causing me to relapse and binge even more on porn, video games, alcohol and all the other unhealthy substances that our brains were not designed to handle.

I believe that not having any social contact or friends makes this addiction much more difficult to overcome, but I will continue to rely on the wisdom, support and inspiring comments from yourself and others.

I also broke out in tears from reading my previous forum post back in January, because I thought it was the start of something new for me and my ex- I really loved her, but porn ultimately robbed me of the true expression of love I could give her, and I seriously regret hurting her like this and hope one day she will find it in her heart to forgive me and I hope that she will find the man who can give her what I couldn't because of my PMO addiction and related mental-problems.

Thanks again for the advice and support and look forward to hearing from you again.

I understand your frustration

and it sounds like you need more support. What about a 12-Step program? You are likely to meet best friends for life in such an open, yet private group. Isolation is not good for you right now. You're a tribal primate. Preved

Also, I didn't see exercise in that list of yours. Vigorous exercise is a godsend for many guys who recover. Builds self-esteem, regulates mood, and wears them out enough that relapse isn't as likely. Plus, going to a gym connects you with the human race. If it's too expensive right now, start running...and making eye contact with everyone you pass.

Here's a post about this which another forum member just put up yesterday about training without a gym: http://www.reuniting.info/comment/78801#comment-78801

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy?  A lot of guys find it helpful. http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy

It won't always be this tough, and the fact that you haven't found the right key just means there will be unexpected gifts from the right key when you find it.

*big hug*

Hi, Marnia. I do engage in

Hi, Marnia. I do engage in exercise (if you read my reply to emerson). I currently cannot afford a 12-step program so that is not an option for me.

I have also read No More Mr. Nice Guy alongside The Way of the Superior Man. Both were definitely insightful and enlightening- they definitely helped me see the possible causes of my addiction- my low masculine self-image and constant rejections from girls and people in general all my life.

Thanks again for the support, I sincerely appreciate it. It's good to know some people care that I exist or that I have problems, even if its just a select group of people on the internet, like yourselves.

I also think some one of the

I also think some one of the main reasons that I have relied on PMO for so long is because Iv'e long been afraid of intimacy and being hurt, because Iv'e been hurt in the past and it was too painful (I'm more sensitive to breakups/rejections than a lot of guys), thus I avoided pursuing real women and used PMO as my substitute for real intimacy/sexual pleasure and to avoid the potential pain of breakups.

This is a tough planet for relationships

I was one of the bold ones who took the bruises and kept going...but I finally got tired of the pain too. Wink

Why not explore another approach to relationships? Things don't have to be so crazy. Tantric Sex For Men.RICHARDSON

Yes, I know you're exercising, but if you're trying to stop relapsing, you may need to do more exercise. Something that really wears you out...and hopefully offers a high, such as running. Not as a permanent thing. Just to get you over the vulnerable period.

Structured socializing, such as dance class, can be very good for those who are re-entering the human orbit.

*big hug*