Hi, guys. I decided to write another journal because the previous one i wrote was much too negative and hopefully, you will enjoy reading this one more. Well here goes.
Like most of the recovering addicts here, I have suffered from the usual symptoms of PMO addiction, so I'll keep my PMO addiction story short. First of all I'm 25 years old and have been masturbating to internet porn since I was 15. I first started masturbating to porn when I was 15 to a dial-up, 56K connection. I never stopped (I noticed it was just way too stimulating) and I would continue to masturbate at least once every day. This persisted throughout the rest of my highschool/university years. It was when my dad purchased high-speed broadband internet that my PMO use became much more frequent and escalated into more extreme genres (lesbian domination, anal)- I never found anything more extreme as arousing, so I probably wasn't that desensitized.
During my college/highschool years I was heavily socially isolated- nobody wanted to be my friend and everybody I tried to make friends with or spoke to thought I was 'weird' and avoided me like a plague. I also suffered from constant bullying and slander from other pupils. I have Asperger's Syndrome and as a result, have always struggled to make friends and socialise with people and due to the constant social isolation and rejection from people, I relied more and more on porn and masturbation to give me my sources of dopamine. I fell into a deep state of depression and extreme apathy (almost my default state) and became more and more addicted to video games (I have been playing video games excessively since I was 11) and internet porn. These were my two sources of dopamine for practically my entire highschool/college years. I also suffered from severe social anxiety (I was afraid to literally talk to anyone) as my college years progressed and when opportunities to socialise arose (due to university events), I avoided them like they were some kind of nuclear or radioactive testing site.
Anyway, unlike a lot of the other guys here recovering from PMO, I did not wire my brain to the real thing- my porn use continued up until I was 23, when I first lost my virginity to a girl I met at a university party, because I finally decided to start socialising, but I only think it happened because we were both really drunk- if I'd we'd both been sober she'd no doubt had thought I was a 'creep' and 'ran for the hills'. The sex was not good at first and I had ED- I had trouble getting an erection for the first week or so, but afterwards could get and keep and erection to have sex almost everyday with her. I did not have serious ED issues, but I did have delayed ejaculation and she loved the fact that I could go at it for almost half an hour without orgasming. But the sex, although satisfying for her, was not satisfying for me at all and felt like doing a mundane chore like dishes or sweeping/hoovering the floor. I also became particularly good at giving her oral pleasure and was apparently the first guy who managed to give her an orgasm, so I was proud of this.
After 2 months of seeing each other for sexual encounters, she became my girlfriend and we were 'in love' (for the first time in my life), or at least, that's what it seemed like- I felt on top of the world. We went on weekly dates, had romantic reunions as she had to go home for easter/summer/xmas, we bought each other gifts (for birthday's/xmas), spent romantic valentine's days/anniversaries together.
However, during all of this romancing, I was still masturbating and watching internet porn, both with and without her and she pretended for a while that it didn't bother her (that watching porn was perfectly normal), but I noticed that I would frequently lose interest in sex with her after porn/masturbation binges. After a while, she became very jealous and hurt thinking that she wasn't good enough for me and wondering why I had to turn to porn so much. So I agreed to stop. I tried and failed, tried and failed, but kept relapsing, and eventually she had enough. Our relationship ended after 2 and a half years because of the effects of my constant PMO- mood swings, depression, lack of desire to have sex with her and emotional unavailability, volatility (I would change my mind so much and she hated this). I hurt her so much and when we broke up, she said she did not want to contact me ever again. Truth is, I was much more hurt than she was as she seemed to get over our breakup rather quickly- she moved on after the first 2 weeks of not seeing/contacting each other, because she told me she fell 'out of love' with me long before our breakup, but neglected telling me due to fear of hurting me (she knew how emotionally unstable I was).
The effects of the breakup on me were excruciatingly painful: I was crying every day for almost two weeks. On the first week, I decided I was going to take my own life, and almost did- I overdosed on 1200MG of fluoxetine (because I was on antidepressants after the breakup) in my bathroom, but my parents found me and called the ambulance and I was rushed to hospital. I suffered from a seizure and two cardiac arrests in hospital, so I could have died if not for my parents discovering me shortly after I ingested the pills, but I sincerely wished at the time that they hadn't and that my pain would be gone forever.
Anyway, after recovering from my overdose, I contacted her a month later and she said she did not want to remain in contact or get back together again, EVER. This also hurt me again, so I fell into another state of depression and binged on porn again, feeling worthless, unlovable and lonely in general as I STILL have no real friends- I have never really managed to make or keep any for as long as Iv'e been alive.
In addition to the Asperger's Syndrome (clinically diagnosed) and depression, I believe I have also suffered from other mental disorders, including OCD/ADD (I have always had poor memory/attention span and been impulsive/obsessive), social anxiety (always struggled to make friends and socialise) and have had an avoidant personality (I have avoided people, events, opportunities all my life). But, these are probably also symptoms of PMO addiction as others on YBOP have reported.
I have also long been insecure about my body, because I am tall (6 ft) and extremely skinny (I weigh only 140 lbs), this may be another reason why I have doubted my masculinity over the years, have avoided women and binged on PMO for so long- I felt like women wouldn't be attracted to or want to be with a guy who is skinnier than them- they want to feel secure and protected and not self-conscious when they go out with their man. I have tried to gain muscle over the years as well, but I am extremely hard gainer (ectomorph), so I have never really succeeded, but I gave up after 2 months of hard workouts with no noticeable difference to my physique. I am hoping I can change this one day, even if I have to eat an extreme amount of calories daily. I also have an eating disorder- I eat when I feel hungry, but this is usually not often- my appetite in general is poor.
I also don't have a job and Iv'e been applying constantly since I graduated in 2010- I have a Master's degree in Computing and IT (about the only positive thing in my life right now). Since I tried to quit last week (I lasted 6 days), I have binged on PMO since. I am determined to beat this addiction and hopefully, finally create a better future for myself.
Because I don't have a job, a partner (the worst) or any friends, recovering from PMO will inevitably be much more difficult for me than some of the other guys here, who have more positive stuff going for them, but I have hope that I WILL succeed. I WILL NOT let my breakup/PMO addiction continue to ruin my life and rob me of my manliness/sexuality any longer. I sincerely look forward to the empathy, support and encouragement from you guys and hope you enjoyed my story.